Feeling very down

gravybones

I know how you are feeling I was in the same boat as you for years and years during my marriage, no friends no family, stuck in all day every day and understand how soul destroying it is and how badly it can affect you and eat away at your confidence, I work part time now although still have no real social circle at least I get out, I've been told to 'get' a support network of friends, I don't think people who have one of those realise how lucky they are and you can't 'get' one just like that! One thing I've learned and just wanted to say though is please don't give up things because other people want you to, it may make things slightly easier at the time but it isn't the way to help other people with their own problems.
Sending you a hug, pm if you fancy a chat x

mumslave

pinkcloudnine wrote: »

Thank you for all your lovely replies, made me cry even more! I would like to do some further education, I am a nurse & enjoy my work but studying isn't really practical as DH always needs help with paperwork etc. Also if I were studying in the eve he would defo not be happy. When he had a bout of depression a few years ago, [has one every 2-3yrs] he gave me an ultimatium, give up the job I was in at the time or that would be it for us. He said I had changed too much,too confident, argumentative[ I think I had found some confidence] I gave up the best job I had ever had which I really enjoyed.So now I don't talk about my work, its just something I do when he's not at home. studying would make him feel as if I want something more than him[ I do, but not in the way he thinks, a friend for girlly natters etc]. Have tried asking people round but they are all too busy etc.

Pinkcloud nine, dare I suggest you are depressed because of your OH? Just take the time to read what you have written. He MADE you give up a job, because he didnt like the fact you became a confident person? He used your love for him against you? Tell me, you have raised three children, supported this man through bouts of depression...when exactly do you think its going to be your turn to do what you want and have them all support you? Because thats the way it should work. I would suggest you get back out there, working...doing whatever it is you want to do the most, and become that confident person again...I suspect now that your kids are flying the nest, you may find, with your new found confidence and happiness, there is a certain dead weight that has been holding you back all these years.

Sorry if that offends. I wish you well. xxx

*zippy*

Pink I have to say I find it upsetting to read your post too, is he controlling in other ways and how would he feel if you started meeting up with people?

Regarding people saying they are busy, don't let that put you off, I had someone around for a cuppa and for a year afterwards every time I saw them they said "I must have you around for that cuppa, but i'm so busy" :rotfl: Just move on, they aren't the right person looking for friendship so try something else.

mumslave

Could I just ask one more thing, if you arent too mad at me for my post. Did his bouts of depression happen to coincide with you perhaps making a new friend, or something new happening in your life that took the attention off him?

margaretclare

pinkcloudnine wrote: »

Thank you for all your lovely replies, made me cry even more! I would like to do some further education, I am a nurse & enjoy my work but studying isn't really practical as DH always needs help with paperwork etc. Also if I were studying in the eve he would defo not be happy. When he had a bout of depression a few years ago, [has one every 2-3yrs] he gave me an ultimatum, give up the job I was in at the time or that would be it for us. He said I had changed too much,too confident, argumentative[ I think I had found some confidence] I gave up the best job I had ever had which I really enjoyed.So now I don't talk about my work, its just something I do when he's not at home. studying would make him feel as if I want something more than him[ I do, but not in the way he thinks, a friend for girlly natters etc]. Have tried asking people round but they are all too busy etc.

I have highlighted part of your post because I think that is the problem. How can your nearest-and-dearest say 'you are too confident'? And how can he, if he loves you, make this demand: give up the best job you ever had, which you enjoyed, or that would be it for you both?

This really is the root of the problem - it's far more than just having someone round for a coffee.

DH and I were talking only yesterday, and I said how I noticed that women who'd been in a marriage or partnership for a long period of years seemed to be very short on self-esteem and self-confidence. I noticed it with the other older women who go to adult beginners' swimming with me. They just do not have the 'I can do it' attitude, they doubt their abilities even though they've paid for a course of lessons with an extremely good teacher who is equally-good whether she's teaching the pre-schoolers or us wrinklies.

I could not live with any man who made such outrageous demands on me. If any man ever said 'give up....or that will be it for us' I would have been likely to say 'So be it, if that's how you feel bye-bye'.

grastgirl

My OH gets bouts of depression, which he says having me around helps with, yet he selflessly let me take a job that kept me away from him during the week for four months, then let me do it for another 5 months with two days notice. I was really worried about his mental health, but he said that he knew how much having a job and being around my work friends meant to me.

If he won't let you start doing something for yourself soon, I think he might drive you away.

claireac

Your reply set alarm bells ringing for me too I'm afraid!

I have been in exactly that situation, except there was a lot violence too. It all got worse as I got more confident. I was working for my parents and doing really well, and he absolutely hated it. Company paid for me to a 2yr p/t college course and he couldn't have been more unsupportive if he tried, in fact he tried to sabotage it. I walked out on him, and we've been divorced for 7yrs now.

How do you feel about it?? I think this is the root of your problems I'm afraid.

euronorris

I have to agree with the others. His attitude towards you being an individual is concerning. You are entitled to have a job, interest and friends outside of him. In fact, it's really essential for a healthy relationship.

I would be inclined to get back into the things I love, and if the ultimatum comes again, just say 'OK then, off you go'. I don't think he would actually follow through on it though, as the threat seems to be based on his own insecurities.

Another thing that stuck out to me is the below:

pinkcloudnine wrote: »

All I want is some company sometimes, people never want to be friends with me unless thay can have someting to feel superior to me about.

Where is the 'superior' part coming from? Has this been your experience, or is he there, whispering in your ear that so and so thinks they're better than you? Or, is this how you think they feel? Not necessarily the case maybe?

I only ask because my Mum can be very sensitive to other people sometimes, belieiving that they think they are better than her when they don't. She's, honestly, just a bit insecure herself and I have to remind her how wonderful she is.

Hugs xx

hcurrier

It's that time of year. Your body needs Vitamin D. Send me a note and I'll tell you how to get some of the best there is.

gabyjane

Hi hun *hugs* i see where you are coming from and it can't be nice..i guess you feel some sort of resentment to your hubby after he made you make a huge decision to your job or him, not really fair imo and i'm sure this may be adding to your unhappyness.
Can you sit down with him and explain how you feel and would like to poss be like you were?

As for friends well i think a lot of us are guilty for feeling like you. I have a good handful of friends and aquaintances and tbh i very rarely see any of them..like somone else said if it is someone who says 'ooh must have you round' etc and it goes on then whats the point..not really friends imo. I have 2 very good friends who i feel i can call on if i need help with something..anything so very trusted etc BUT one of them has changed career (we sued to work together) and we have drifted apart..over the last year going from spending time with each other every day we now never see each other (on the school run journey waving to each other!)..if we ring each other it is never a good time so on time goes. Friend 2 is fab and although she is pretty unrelaibale for things she is always there..she is dd's best friends mum so we see quite a lot due to them but she always rings, texts once a day etc so i know she is a good friend. Unfortunatly we are all guilty of not making enough of an effort..me included!

I would firstly sit down with dh and speak to him and see how that goes..also if you have an interest in something see if you can do an eveing cless or something...me personally i just dont have the confidence to walk into somewhere which is sad but true..one of my problems really. I wish my sister lived a bit nearer as we used to go to the gym which was fun..maybe something like that?

Anyway hope your feeling a bit better today x