SAHM preparing for divorce, suspect husband is cheating

Samanthamum

I suspect my husband may be cheating. Our sex life has almost stopped and my husband admitted last week loves me but only thinks of me as a friend. he is on a fitness drive at the moment and is taking more care over his hair/clothes.

I have never worked due to the fact my husbands job is long unsociable hours and I suffer from anxiety. At the moment I am job hunting, but having no luck. I have no income of my own, only the child benefit and a tiny amount of tax credits.

Our child is in secondary school. I have very little family support, no friends and only leave the house for a few hours a week to shop etc.

I know I need to be strong and get myself in a better position. I have opened a bank account and am putting a few pounds a week in there. Job hunting is also a priority as is losing weight and trying to leave the house more.

Has anyone else been in a similar position and what kind of things do I need to be thinking of in case my husband leaves? I am very very hurt, but trying to be practical.

joflo_2

I would look around for perhaps volunteer work. Charity shops help confidence in dealing with people. When you feel ready for it, go for a walk and walk a little farther each time, it helps with leaving the house and being out, also with loosing weight. If you have any local shops, a walk there and back to get milk or weekday shopping can be a motivator also.

You are being strong in looking at what you can do, take it one step at a time and keep a record of goals met to help boost your self esteem.

Perhaps ask at the school if they have any parent volunteers or PTA that would like help, I have found it a great confidence booster and have made many friends that way.

All these I have done in order to get out more and talk to people, I take it a day at a time and try not to over think things.

Best Wishes

Jo

pigpen

Mine did this last year.. he ended up leaving 3 months after the affair started.. she dumped him the week he left *smug laughter*

I think before you get yourself totally worked up over this you need proof that he is actually having this affair.. you are not certain.. he may just be doing the mid-life crisis thing.. lose weight, make self pretty.. then it becomes.. 'oh look I get attention'.. then they either grow up or not.. mine didn't... at least mine can't drive so didn't get a new car and get us in more debt.

I would ask him.. you need to know one way or the other if he is having an affair or if it is just your own insecurities at the moment. You need to air your feelings and see what he says.. it could well be his fear of getting older.

Saving as a separate issue is always a good thing.. it can always be spent on a holiday or something new for the house..

Please.. don't throw away your marriage based on a suspicion!!!!

mummy_Jay

It sounds like first you need to work on you and building up your confidence.

So how about joining an exercise or dance class, this will help get you fitter and get you interacting more with people
or volunteer work, it will get you interacting with people but will also help with the CV for job hunting.

Other than that and not having been in the position myself, it sounds like you have your head in gear and are doing what you can.

Samanthamum

pigpen wrote: »

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Please.. don't throw away your marriage based on a suspicion!!!!

It isnt just the fact that he may be having an affair, it is the fact that he "only thinks of me as a friend". I was devastated by this and would have walked away already if I had the emotional and financial means too.

Also little things like comparing me to 19yr old women on TV, saying no man would want me etc. This has all just started recently and I refuse to be put down by a man. I am so upset I have allowed myself to be this vunerable.

Samanthamum

joflo wrote: »

I would look around for perhaps volunteer work. Charity shops help confidence in dealing with people. When you feel ready for it, go for a walk and walk a little farther each time, it helps with leaving the house and being out, also with loosing weight. If you have any local shops, a walk there and back to get milk or weekday shopping can be a motivator also.

You are being strong in looking at what you can do, take it one step at a time and keep a record of goals met to help boost your self esteem.

Perhaps ask at the school if they have any parent volunteers or PTA that would like help, I have found it a great confidence booster and have made many friends that way.

All these I have done in order to get out more and talk to people, I take it a day at a time and try not to over think things.

Best Wishes

Jo

I have been trying to do a little walk everyday and it is helping. Thanks :-)

I do want to volunteer, but he says I cant as it is a waste of time. I was thinking of joining a slimming club or similar.

pigpen

Samanthamum wrote: »

It isnt just the fact that he may be having an affair, it is the fact that he "only thinks of me as a friend". I was devastated by this and would have walked away already if I had the emotional and financial means too.

Also little things like comparing me to 19yr old women on TV, saying no man would want me etc. This has all just started recently and I refuse to be put down by a man.

I wouldn't stand there and be openly insulted either.. and you aren't a 19 year old woman (Assuming you didn't have your child before you were 5 anyway ) so why would you look like one.. I hope you told him no 19 year old woman would want him either so he should be glad you aren't!!! That is also part of him stroking his own ego.. him feeling 'special' and powerful by making others feel low..

I think many long term relationships become more like friendships... you lose the passion and lust and as life becomes mundane and routine you develop a deeper bond of friendship and mutual respect.. if you don't have those once the passion has gone it is a loss.

He cannot dictate to you whether you volunteer or not.. tell him to bog off it is your life and you can do this if you want.. it is also experience and will help with getting a job.. that sounds like he is trying to 'keep you in your place' and control you.. if it is something you want to do.. do it.. you don't need permission you are a grown woman.. cheeky blighter!!! I'd be furious!! I am actually furious on your behalf!

jakem_2

Samanthamum wrote: »

I suspect my husband may be cheating. Our sex life has almost stopped and my husband admitted last week loves me but only thinks of me as a friend.

.

Hi, I didnt want to read and run, I have just joined myself and asking for advice on a divorce, and if its any consolation to you, I am the reverse of you in a sense.
I am a woman, and I am definately not cheating, but I see my husband as a friend now, or a housemate, we havent slept together for many months now, and admittidly I am snapping at him cause I just want out of the marriage.
Obviously there is more to my story, but I wont go into that, as this is about you not me.
But I just wanted you to know that it might not be he's cheating, it could be other things, so perhaps you need to speak to him, I wish I could sit down with mine, but he lives in another world and thinks everything is hunky dory, and talking to him is like hitting my head on a brick wall.

Please dont think less of yourself, these things happen, its not always what you have or have not done, but you need to talk to him at least (if he will listen)
I'm sending you {{{{{ Big hugs}}}}}

Samanthamum

pigpen wrote: »

I think many long term relationships become more like friendships... you lose the passion and lust and as life becomes mundane and routine you develop a deeper bond of friendship and mutual respect.. if you don't have those once the passion has gone it is a loss.

I agree 100%. We have a great friendship and after almost 20 years I think it is silly to expect red hot kinky sex every night or for me to look like a barbie doll. I feel like I have been betrayed. I have given him my best years and it feels like he wants to trade me in for a younger model.

I know I am not the first, but really thought he was one of the good guys. I have had my problems and am no supermodel. but have recently lost 2 stone and have been working on my self esteem, getting new hair cut and felt like life was heading in the right direction. I am so sad and really want to stay a married woman. Men can be such pigs. His dad is just the same, his mum is not allowed out on her own and is always being put down by him. I swore I would never let a man treat me that way and it has already started.

mummy_Jay

Samanthamum wrote: »

I have been trying to do a little walk everyday and it is helping. Thanks :-)

I do want to volunteer, but he says I cant as it is a waste of time. I was thinking of joining a slimming club or similar.

How about talking to one of your local schools (it doesn't have to be the one your little one is at) about being a dinner lady or crossing lady. It's not like you have to tell him. And it's not a waste of time if it makes you feel more confident.
Or how about looking at getting a new quailification.

It sounds like he wants to keep you under his control and your steps to be a woman in your own right are un-nerving him so he's being to revert to put downs. Or maybe someone's commented on what a lovely wife he's got and its put his nose out of joint that your are getting compliments, so he's lashing out at you for it.

Don't let him get to you and don't let him tell you what to do. Believe in yourself, think positive and positive things will start happening.

pigpen

I have an idea... Your savings.. book yourself a week away.. don't tell him.. just up and go (I'd take your child though) Let him think you have left him and see how he reacts.. See if it gives him a wake up cal that you CAN do things things yourself and you WILL do things for yourself.. you are not a possession you are a person in your own right and WILL stand up to him. I'd ignore his calls for a few days then answer and tell him what you are doing and why. If that didn't make him realise he is being a twit nothing will!

If he is behaving as his dad does the sooner you act and kick him into touch the better.. you do not want a relationship like his parents have and only you can stop that.

I'm certain you and your young one could have a fabulous week away and enjoy each other company.. some quality time.