SAHM preparing for divorce, suspect husband is cheating

MrsAnnie

Put as much money aside as possible.

Does he give you money to do the weekly shopping? Go down a brand at the shop and put the money saved into your account.

What about mystery shopping or surveys? Doesn't earn you that much but all the money can build up quite steady if deposited directly into your account.

Doing paid work at a local school is a good idea: lunchtime supervisor, dinner lady. Not much money but if you save it all then it all adds to your pot. Also a good way to build your confidence and a great way of meeting local mums and may lead to some good friendships and other opportunities.

Community centre classes are a good way to build up your skills. in computers Alot are offered free of charge.


Once you start to increase your self esteem and energy levels and then the rest will follow.

bertiebots

I think you need to have "the" talk with your dh. Be 100% honest with yourself and him and dont let him beat you down emotionally. If he cannot be honest back it will speak volumes. I suppose you could always try the marriage councelling route as a way to resolve whats going on. I could not cope with my dh having an affair and it would be over. I know others are stronger and can get past it.

I have been going through some pretty rocky times with my dh and am a SAHM too . It might help put your mind at rest a little if you could find out where you stand regarding money,housing etc. like i did . I now know for eg that if you have children and are dependant on your dh then this is taken into account and you dont split everything 50/50 (as my dh told me). Theres loads of info out on the web that might give you some peace of mind.
You can also get good legal advice free which might help you decide what you want.
As for the confidence issues sounds like you are making all the right moves and you should be proud of yourself for what you have achieved so far. Dont let him bully you into thinking otherwise.

Caroline73_2

Samanthamum wrote: »

I have been trying to do a little walk everyday and it is helping. Thanks :-)

I do want to volunteer, but he says I cant as it is a waste of time. I was thinking of joining a slimming club or similar.

Not his decision though, is it? It's yours.

I can't help but feel you have totally lost your identity - even your username on here is '...mum'. Stop focussing on him and focus on yourself first. You can still be a brilliant and amazing mum and a woman in your own right

Join a slimming club, lose weight and volunteer at the club too, taking the subs or selling the magazines etc.

I was in this situation 8 years ago, anyone who knows me know is amazed! Read Julliffs thread in this section too (if you have a week to spare - it's quite long!) See how she has progressed in six months. She is inspirational!

Pee

How about a free half hour with a solicitor so that you know where you stand, and consider whether paid employment would actually disadvantage you if you were to get divorced.

You have recently lost some weight yourself - two stone, well done - and might that be making him feel insecure? I'd be very upset that he only thought of me as a friend and made such insensitive comments, but we all manage to say things that we don't mean or that come out differently to how we intended them and it would be a shame if a long and otherwise happy marriage ended if both partners were prepared to work on it.

Thinking back a few years, did you love him then or do you feel like he has always been bullying you?

diable

Samanthamum wrote: »

Also little things like comparing me to 19yr old women on TV, saying no man would want me etc. This has all just started recently and I refuse to be put down by a man. I am so upset I have allowed myself to be this vunerable.

Just start watching cage fighting on TV and let out loud gasps when you see half naked men half his age and start comparing, see how he likes it.

chloe99_2

Mmm, I'm not sure that his behaviour sounds as much like he is having an affair (what with the tv putdowns etc) as that he may be trying to hurt you for some reason? Midlife crisis? It's unfortunately human nature than being mean to you might make him feel a bit better about himself.

xx

Glen0000

Sorry chick. Sounds like an affair to me. Get saving and see a good solicitor.

roger196

You need to plan properly for a separation / divorce. Give yourself a target of 6 (or 12) months to get a paid job, researched possible other places to live, a budget on how you will manage as a single mum ie what benefits you will get and draft SOA (look on debt free wanabe's board), terminate any joint loans/ credit cards. Get down to relate for advice. At the end of the preparation period you are then in a strong position to challenge your OH on what is happening. OH sounds like a control freak. Only you can decide whether the marriage is worth saving or not. You need to widen your social group, try the local church, political party, evening classes, writing group, golf club, choral society etc.

euronorris

diable wrote: »

Just start watching cage fighting on TV and let out loud gasps when you see half naked men half his age and start comparing, see how he likes it.

I did something similar when too many 'lads mags' were left lying around the apartment. I went out, got some playgirl mags, and left them all over the apartment.

The lads mags were cleared up that same day! hehehehehe (I had tried to talk to him before, but he 'didn't see the problem'. Well, not until the shoe was on the other foot!).

JBD

roger196 wrote: »

You need to plan properly for a separation / divorce. Give yourself a target of 6 (or 12) months to get a paid job, researched possible other places to live, a budget on how you will manage as a single mum ie what benefits you will get and draft SOA (look on debt free wanabe's board), terminate any joint loans/ credit cards. Get down to relate for advice. At the end of the preparation period you are then in a strong position to challenge your OH on what is happening. OH sounds like a control freak. Only you can decide whether the marriage is worth saving or not. You need to widen your social group, try the local church, political party, evening classes, writing group, golf club, choral society etc.

This is excellent advice.
As to whether your husband is having an affair or not, I suspect you're not going to find out for definite. At least not till it suits him, or you do a liitle bit of detective work. He does sound similar to quite a few men I have known, starting with my Dad. [Definitely not tarring all men with the same brush here, I know the majority are lovely!] He wants to put you down because he wants to stay in control of the situation. If he is having an affair then he wants to keep you on the sidelines, ready for when he wants you. He puts you down so that he can make you feel responsible and he can justify his own behaviour.
As I said, this is just my opinions based on experiences of myself and people I know. So I am not judging him, just that some of the things you have posted have rung a bell. As others have said you need to do things to build up your own self confidence. You don't have to accept anything he says about you and you don't have to accept bad treatment.