Etiquette when ex Mother-in-law passes away

lindens

My 19 year old son (who lives with girlfriend) just rang to say his nan (my ex-mother in law) had a massive brain bleed yesterday and is not expected to last another 24 hours. he is visiting today as it is all day visiting due to circumstances. he was quite upset after seeing her yesterday.
Anyway, this has got me thinking what do i do when the inevitable happens?
I separated from my now ex 5 years ago and his direct family have not spoken to me since the day we announced our separation. He has 1 brother and 2 sisters. We were very close before the split, in and out of each others houses etc. His mother was good to us and we lived with her for a while when newly married.
Do i send cards, flowers or what. I would feel uncomfortable attending the funeral i think. But i want to be there for my son in anyway he wants. This will be his first "family death" and to top it all they are expecting their first baby any day now.
I am surprised at how upset I am about it since he told me.
Has anyone been through something similar?

Pollycat

You've not specifically mentioned your relationship (or not) with your ex.

Have you spoken to him since the split?

I'd personally not send flowers - but then again I don't like the idea of spending money on flowers on a death, I'd rather give to a charity of the family' choice.
You might find that that's what the family wants anyway.

I'd get a nice condolence/sympathy card and send it to one of the sisters saying something like you're sorry to hear of their Mum's death, she was very kind to you etc etc.

I'd feel the same as you about not attending the funeral, but if your son really wants you there, maybe he could check with the sisters/brother if you would be welcome sat at the back of the church.

I guess it all depends on the feeling they have towards you - attending a funeral when you're clearly not welcome is (imho) very unfair on the family.

BitterAndTwisted

When what sounds like the inevitable happens send a condolence card to the family as Pollycat advised. This is what anyone would do on hearing of the death of someone no matter how remotely connected. You might find that the family will indeed invite you to attend with your son and if they don't you know what they feel.

Newly_retired

I would have liked to attend the funeral of my late ex-father in law but did not feel it was appropriate to do so. I helped my son prepare for it emotionally and what to wear etc. I wished I could have gone but it would not have been acceptable at that time not could I reasonably get time off work. I sent a card.

Buddingblonde

I would be tempted to ask son what he would like you to do re: funeral etc - he may want you there for support as this is his first family funeral.

Bronnie

Will your son sit with your ex husband and be able to support each other at the actual funeral? Is he close to his cousins?

lindens

My son will sit with his dad i would imagine and all the cousins are close. so even if i were to attend i wouldn't sit with him i guess so its def better not to go unless he explicitly wishes and has the blessing of the family.
I like the idea of sending a card to a sister, but addressing it to all of them, and put some nice words in it. I haven't spoken to my ex for a couple of years.
I will concentrate on being there for my son

p-pincher

id ask you son what he wants and ask your ex what he would like you to do.

when my father passed away 4 years ago my mum and step dad attended the funeral, my mum and dad had separated about 10 yrs previously and there were on ok terms probably for the sake of the children.

to be honest im not sure how my dads family felt but my mum was there to support me and my sister and my step dad and dad got on fine when he was alive so he wanted to pay his respects. every family is very different so i think maybe talking to your ex to see what he might think is appropriate.

if its made clear they would rather you didnt attend all you can do is make sure your son is prepared for what will happen and then send a card to either ex or whoever is arranging funeral to express condolences. i d try not to take it to personally if i was not welcome its a very stressful time for everyone (including you).

snowmaid

I attended my ex MIL's funeral. Out of respect to her. My ex was with his partner in the front, I stayed at the back. After the funeral I said my condolences to my ex and his dad and then left. Kept if very low key and never mingled.

Becles

My ex-grandad-in-law died last year. Although ex-FIL chooses not to speak to us (long story!), I still sent a sympathy card to the family. Ex and ex-MIL both mentioned it and said they appreciated the words I wrote in it.

paddy's_mum

I don't think you should attend the funeral if it's only to support your son, even if that is what he wants you to do. He will not be alone and others will be just as griefstricken. He is about to become a father himself so can't really plead that he needs his Mummy there to hold his hand and wipe his nose.

I realise that this is his grandmother but where there has been previous friction, I'm of the opinion that the views of the closest family (in this case, the grandmother's own children) are what should take precedence. Your presence, unless specifically requested by your ex-husband as well as all his siblings, may be viewed as impertinent and intrusive - and they won't forget that you 'poked your oar in and added to the upset'.

Pollycat's post reflects my view exactly and I think you have been given good advice, especially about sending a card.

PS Congratulation on imminent grandma-hood!