14 yr old DD and first boyfriend advice!

BrokeBrunette

I'd appreciate the input from some of you who have already been through this with your daughters.

My eldest daughter is 14 and has just started going out with her first 'proper boyfriend', also aged 14. I know him as we belong to the same sports club and he seems a nice lad, although he has never visited our home (well not yet anyway). They have known each other since primary school so already know each other very well.

I have always encouraged my children to bring friends home and I am assuming this will be no exception. Obviously she takes her friends upstairs and they play music, watch tv etc. What I'm wondering is do I just allow them to do the same as she would with a female friend, i.e. sit upstairs in her room with the door closed, or should I be insisting that the door stays open, or even just ajar? I know this probably seems a mad question but I honestly have no idea what is the right thing to do.I'm probably being over dramatic but it just popped in my head today and I thought I would ask for some opinions about this.

Don't think I am jumping the gun etc or dis-trusting my daughter because I'm not. She is a pretty sensible girl for her age (albeit the untidiest person i know!). I just wondered what other parents thought about this.

viktory

Firstly, congratulations on DD's first BF!! When my DD brought boyfriends home I would insist that the bedroom door remain open for my own peace of mind. Plus, there was always her irritating younger brother to watch over things! My mum went one further when we were young and banned boy/girlfriends from bedrooms totally, but we could always use the dining room which afforded a modicum of privacy.

Counting_Pennies_2

I think whatever rule you put in place it should be enforced for all friends coming round so that it doesn't look like you are singling the boyfriend out and then making more out of it in her eyes.

If you have a downstairs room that is separate i would suggest offering that up as her grown up living space for all friends coming round. alternatively if you want to be really wacky you can get these brilliant sheds that are very reasonable in cost which you could have put in the garden, get the ones with the most amount of windows and then they feel they have somewhere private to go, but you get to look in regularly!

BrokeBrunette

Counting_Pennies wrote:

I think whatever rule you put in place it should be enforced for all friends coming round so that it doesn't look like you are singling the boyfriend out and then making more out of it in her eyes.

If you have a downstairs room that is separate i would suggest offering that up as her grown up living space for all friends coming round. alternatively if you want to be really wacky you can get these brilliant sheds that are very reasonable in cost which you could have put in the garden, get the ones with the most amount of windows and then they feel they have somewhere private to go, but you get to look in regularly!

great ideas thanks, only problem is that we live in a very small house with only a kitchen and lounge downstairs. This means it's virtually impossible to have a conversation downstairs without someone listening. The shed sounds a great idea but money is very tight right now, however something to bear in mind for the future.

ka7e

When my daughter disappeared up to her room with her first bf (14), I made a point of randomly asking if they wanted a drink etc. They knew I was right ouside the door so could obviously walk in at any time - it's the not knowing (if someone is actually going to barge in) that keeps them out of mischief!
Now at 17, she wouldn't dream of letting her bf in her room - it's usually too untidy for entertaining.

BrokeBrunette

ka7e wrote:

When my daughter disappeared up to her room with her first bf (14), I made a point of randomly asking if they wanted a drink etc. They knew I was right ouside the door so could obviously walk in at any time - it's the not knowing (if someone is actually going to barge in) that keeps them out of mischief!
Now at 17, she wouldn't dream of letting her bf in her room - it's usually too untidy for entertaining.

That's a good idea. I have to say that DD's bedroom is normally a totally disgusting mess. It's the main thing we really argue about. I will definitely be offering lots of drinks by knocking on the door lol.

shelly

I was 14 when I got my first bf, he's my hubby now and we are still together 16 years later. Maybe you could have a chat with her and tell her you trust her but need to keep an eye on them as having a boy in her room is different to having girls in there. My parents trusted me to have my bf in my room and I completely respected that. I wouldn't have dared to do anything under their roof because if we got caught Dad wouldn't have let him in the house again.

BrokeBrunette

shelly wrote:

I was 14 when I got my first bf, he's my hubby now and we are still together 16 years later. Maybe you could have a chat with her and tell her you trust her but need to keep an eye on them as having a boy in her room is different to having girls in there. My parents trusted me to have my bf in my room and I completely respected that. I wouldn't have dared to do anything under their roof because if we got caught Dad wouldn't have let him in the house again.

Shelly, I think you are totally right. That's exactly what I am going to do. Why didn't I think of that myself

They've just appeared at the front door as I am typing this. DD has popped home to change and they are going for a walk. I'm really pleased for her. She's had loads of boys ask her out but has always declined. Young love eh

I had to laugh tho, as DD2 (almost 12) has 3 friends here and they spent the entire 5 mins giggling while the poor lad waited for DD to change; think I might need to have a quiet word about the teasing lol.

SmileBeHappy

having a sit down conversation with teenagers just makes the point of sex so much clearer. 14's kinda young imo, and if your daughters normally well behaved your ok i imagine. If you make to much of a point, she'll just go to his, or another place to hang out, not nesesarily to have sex, but if she feels your 'cramping her style.' Dunno really, i know people that have no issues doing it with door open and parents downstairs, depends on the individual

Laura

bikerqueen

allowed upstairs, door open.

and polish your shotgun

shelly

BrokeBrunette wrote:

Shelly, I think you are totally right. That's exactly what I am going to do. Why didn't I think of that myself

They've just appeared at the front door as I am typing this. DD has popped home to change and they are going for a walk. I'm really pleased for her. She's had loads of boys ask her out but has always declined. Young love eh

I had to laugh tho, as DD2 (almost 12) has 3 friends here and they spent the entire 5 mins giggling while the poor lad waited for DD to change; think I might need to have a quiet word about the teasing lol.

No problem at all. I can't speak as a parent but I remember that being 14 and knowing my parents trusted me to have my bf in my room was brilliant. I felt very grown up and didn't want to let them down. If you stay honest and friendly with her then I reckon everything will be fine.


And as for your DD2......I remember having such a go at my little brother for the same thing but the teasing was aimed at me and not the bf, because he was older my brother daren't tease him


Good luck.