Divorce, advice desperately needed!

nicolajaynepeasley

My husband had an affair in 2006 & left the family home in 2007. We have 3 children & have no disputes regarding the children, they reside with me but stay overnight 3 times a week with him. I received my nisi in august this year but he is refusing to sign the absolute until the family home is sold, so that he can get his financial settlement. I have paid the mortgage alone since 2007 & the only contribution he makes is £200 maintenance ( which is a private agreement) for our 2 younger children, our eldest is in fulltime college & my ex hasn't paid for him since he left school 2yrs ago. The house is on the market but i can't make it sell any quicker than it will in the current climate. My solicitor has advised that there is no reason why the divorce can't proceed because the financial settlement is a seperate issue. My solicitor has said that proof of earnings, savings & pensions need to be provided to go before the court to prove that it is a fair settlement. I have agreed to a 60/40 split in my favour but my solicitor has said that because i don't have a pension & my ex does, that the proposed settlement will not be as straight forward as that. My ex has point blank refused to give me any share of his pension, even though we were together for 21yrs & i stayed at home to raise our children. I'm not even sure that i want a share of his pension, i'm just tired of battling & i just want this whole sorry mess to be over.

Bambywamby

Not quite sure what advice you are seeking - but a quick bump might bring someone who is more knowledgable. x x x

Dumbledore55

Your solicitor acts for you so if you're happy with the settlement offered then instruct them to agree to it.

However, I think if you want to fight you will definitely get a bigger share of the house in lieu of your lack of pension or a share of his pension - it depends if you're willing to battle it out.

LydiaJ

Do NOT go for the absolute until the settlement is complete and finalised. It's very rare, but just occasionally somebody dies between the divorce and the settlement, and in that situation the surviving partner and kids can get left with nothing.

I know someone whose divorce solicitor told her to ask her husband not to apply for the absolute until the settlement was in place, so she did ask him, and he didn't apply for it. A couple of months later, while they were still negotiating the settlement, he was killed suddenly in an accident. Financially, she was fine - she was entitled to a death in service payout from his pension etc etc. If he'd died with the divorce complete and the settlement unfinished, she'd have had nothing. When she thanked her solicitor, he said any competent divorce solicitor should advise the same.

BitterAndTwisted

PLEASE do not go for a 60/40 split without some proper maintenance for your children and a decent share of his pension. You'll live to regret it, I promise you

pinkshoes

What sort of figures are we talking about here (how much equity in house)? Does he have a final salary pension?

If it is a final salary pension, then a 60/40 split sounds mean. You should be going for half the pension on top of this if you gave up working to raise a family.

Mutter_2

Totally agree with LydiaJ and BitterAndTwisted, sort the finances before requesting the Absolute. Mainly for the the reasons Lydia pointed out.

I trust you have both been through mediation to sort finances? I'm afraid what H wants reg. his pension and what he is entitled to are two separate matters.

You have done absolutely brilliantly so far Nicola, must say sounds like a good dad too, though lousy husband This is the last stage so don't blow it now.

You don't say why the house is on the market? Except H wants 40% of the equity.

What age is the youngest child?
Would you both agree to you having the house outright whilst H keeps his pension for instance? Have all Avenues been explored? Does your solicitor have any teeth or has he he lost the will? Who said 60/40 when you have paid the mortgage and he retains the pension is fair?

See where I am going along with the majority who have posted?

Am going to PM you a link Nicola to a divorce site. They were helpful when my cozy little world crashed. There's no secret as to the site, except I respect MSE and feel guilty recommending elsewhere.

It would be good actually if they linked to MSE for moneysaving and MSE to them.

nicolajaynepeasley

Our youngest child is 7yrs old & no we haven't had mediation as my ex husband has commited domestic violence against me. He actually wants a 50/50 split & for him to keep his pension. I do want him to have a fair settlement given our 21yrs together & that we have children who need stability from both of us. I just don't know what is considered fair & i'm so confused by the conflicting advice

floss2

nicolajaynepeasley wrote: »

... My solicitor has advised that there is no reason why the divorce can't proceed because the financial settlement is a seperate issue...

Maybe things have changed since my divorce 7 years ago, but my solicitor would not apply for my absolut until the settlement cheque had been received and banked from my ex...I understood that the court would not sign off an absolut unless the signed settlement agreement was with the papers?

nicolajaynepeasley wrote: »

...my solicitor has said that because i don't have a pension & my ex does, that the proposed settlement will not be as straight forward as that. My ex has point blank refused to give me any share of his pension, even though we were together for 21yrs & i stayed at home to raise our children...

So what will you live on when you are a pensioner and there is very little (if any) state pension? You are legally entitled to a share of that pension fund, whether you like it or not, and it may be the only thing that keeps you from being very short of money when you get to the age of 65 if you do not have a pension fund of your own.

And how are you going to look after 2 children on £200 a month? By my calculations, he is taking home approx. £340 a week....and giving you £46 of that.

nicolajaynepeasley

I honestly don't know what he earns but because he has the children 3 nights a wk he says that £200 is more than fair & that i wouldn't get that amount if i went via the CSA! Although i do have to provide & pay for everything with regard to the children, clothes, shoes,childcare ect. I only work 25hrs a wk so that it fits into school hrs.

Dumbledore55

It doesn't sound like a fair offer to me - there is a calculator on the CSA website that is simple to use and will give you a good idea of what you should be getting.

I think you are likely to get all the house and a part of his pension so I would fight if I was you.