Supporting a bereaved partner

Badger_Lady

Sue, I think it's acceptable considering we were only just together back then... We were both protecting one another's feelings - there are a lot of secrets to start with!

lostinrates

Badger_Lady wrote: »

It's worse because he's often talked about friends of his who he feels didn't react suitably and who have been shunned to a degree since. In fact, he even said during our first 'breakthrough' that the fact we were still together despite my silence was testiment to how strongly he feels about me, that he could put up with a behaviour that he found disgusting.

This too, is really familiar. After a few years DH then realised it was not his friends' faults that they didn't know what to say or do, and some bridge building was done, but its hard initially. I felt quite mean the first time I told DH I thought hs wrath was from his pain, not his friends' reactions. But it was right, and I think without a firm loving hand drawing a line he might have ''festered'' longer.

Zazen999

Badger_Lady wrote: »

Yeah, he read my silence as disinterest. That's why I'm keen to prove that isn't the case (by trying to get involved). I generally do agree with the idea of keeping quiet and waiting for the affected party to be ready to talk, but that just isn't doing the job here.

It's worse because he's often talked about friends of his who he feels didn't react suitably and who have been shunned to a degree since. In fact, he even said during our first 'breakthrough' that the fact we were still together despite my silence was testiment to how strongly he feels about me, that he could put up with a behaviour that he found disgusting.

You could say that telling you whilst you were driving was almost tantamount to putting you in this position in the first place; where you were unable to offer any support...thus condemning you to one of the 'didn't react suitable' pile. After all - how ARE you supposed to react?

If he is going to have a checklist on how to react to the news [which, although is horrid - is someone that you didn't actually know so this limits your reaction], then i think he is just looking for trouble.

I'd be questioning what he wanted if not silence - without being a drama queen yourself the possibilities are actually quite limited.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place with this one, I am afraid.

Errata

Badger_Lady wrote: »

Yeah, he read my silence as disinterest.
Surely once you explained he'd interpreted your response incorrectly he should have accepted and respected that ?

That's why I'm keen to prove that isn't the case
See above - what do you have to prove ?

(by trying to get involved). I generally do agree with the idea of keeping quiet and waiting for the affected party to be ready to talk, but that just isn't doing the job here.

It's worse because he's often talked about friends of his who he feels didn't react suitably and who have been shunned to a degree since.
We can't dictate friend's behaviour, not everyone reacts in the same way and sending people to Coventry if a viewpoint isn't shared seems a bit unusual in these circumsances.

In fact, he even said during our first 'breakthrough' that the fact we were still together despite my silence was testiment to how strongly he feels about me, that he could put up with a behaviour that he found disgusting.
Might be an idea if you have a quiet moment to ask him to be frank and tell you what behaviour he expected from you. Disgusting is a pretty strong word if it's his.

The guy clearly has strong feelings about the way people behave, which is ok if they're justified, but might be a bit iffy if they're not.

lostinrates

I think the difficulty is that we forget that felings, emotions, can be irrational. I'm sure if your man sat down and wrote it like Errata has above he'd agree...but thats not how we feel...we are human and we react in a way thats often....not what we want from others. I have to say though, I think that Errata is not right on one point...the resentment of friends not reacting ''correctly''...thinking about it now I think this is really common...wrong, but common.

Badger, you need to tell him as openly how you feel. and how you want to get it right for him, as you are telling us.

Counting_Pennies_2

Badger_Lady wrote: »

But I still feel I'd like to hold his hand, and that it would be a time to start talking about his father. I'm certainly not going to insist, particularly now the boundaries have been set.

I honestly don't think that would be a good time to start the conversation anyway.

Normally the grief comes to the surface and they just want to get through it, they probably don't want to start speaking about it all. Often it is just in every day situations when emotions are less raw that people like to talk about past loved ones.

x

londoner1998

Badger_Lady wrote: »

Sorry guys, it's really difficult to use this website on a mobile (no Internet at home). Sod the supposed anonimity!

I initially thought that OH's siblings' spouses were going to the graveside but it turns out it's only blood relatives... Guess I read too much into that after all. But I still feel I'd like to hold his hand, and that it would be a time to start talking about his father. I'm certainly not going to insist, particularly now the boundaries have been set.

Someone mentioned heroism and I think that's important - my motives could easily appear selfish but I really feel that I could help him when he has these hard moments, and that overcoming this silence would make us closer and therefore give him somewhere to turn.

I have lost people close to me - the first being a friend my own age when we were 12 and more recently (3 years now) my best friend. I know it's not the same as losing parent or spouse but it's my best point of reference. I've always chatted quite openly about them but I think OH is that much more reserved...

Well, chatting to you guys on here has really helped to get thoughts in order so thankyou again; I know what to do And thankyou for all the PMs I missed!

Hello Again

your OH is very lucky to have you by his side at such difficult time. Bt, you must remember ths is not about you right now. It is lovely that you think about ways that you know would help him, but grief is such a tricky thing, so unpredictable, so changing... that if you want to help him, you need to listen to what he say and does, not necessarily to your idea of helping (valid as it is). In my experience, it comes in waves and they can last weeks, months or hours...
Both from the point of view of the supporting partner (almost three years later, I am now going thorugh a very painful pre-Christmas time), I think the most difficult thing to realise is that 'this is not about you'- good luck with it, I think you are showing real stregth

Badger_Lady

Sadly, this issue proved to be too great... he ended it with me this evening.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sorry to hear that, but if something which is entirely beyond your control - ie, death - has resulted in his ending your relationship, I think it may well prove that, in time, this was probably for the best, as this kind of reaction is unfair, unreasonable and not right. Grief does funny things to people, but grief still doesn't excuse unreasonable expectations or behaviour.

It's not your fault and I hope you are OK.

Badger_Lady

I'm fine... he's still an amazing guy, we've always had fun, never argued and are very attracted to one another. He wants to be good friends, although I'm still struggling to come to terms with it.

He needs to heal and I'm just so, so sorry that I couldn't help him with that.