Supporting a bereaved partner

Savvy_Sue

This is going to be my first Christmas without Dad, and Christmas Eve would have been their diamond wedding anniversary, so although the situation is a bit different because there are no new partners involved I'll tell you how my Mum's handling things.

I told her I liked the way the minister talked at the funeral as if Dad was still there, and listening. And she said "I'm sure he's still worrying about me, even though I tell him he needn't." So I know she's still talking to him, which I think is a good thing.

On their wedding anniversary, I'm taking my lads to see her, and we're going to the pub where she and dad went for a meal last year. That's her request, but me seeing her on their wedding anniversary is different, we usually saw them a few weeks before or afterwards.

They used to go to the Manse for Christmas lunch - open house - so she's doing that again.

Now, not everyone wants to keep doing the same things. But finding out whether they do or not is always a good first step, IMO. Asking your man if he wants to tell you about his family's way of doing Christmas would be good - it's as well to know what to expect.

But as I'm sure you know, grief is a funny and irrational emotion, and sometimes others just can't respond to it in the 'right' way, even if they do the 'right' thing.

DVardysShadow

Your call, but I think you should gently insist on going, but not to the point of forcing, particularly if you feel you would rather, but feel a bit reluctant about pushing it. Obviously how he felt you handled him telling you is not a show stopper for the relationship.

Perhaps if he agrees there is something to remember - in a sense he will be putting his own feelings aside to allow it, rather than you doing any heroic thing

Badger_Lady

Sorry guys, it's really difficult to use this website on a mobile (no Internet at home). Sod the supposed anonimity!

I initially thought that OH's siblings' spouses were going to the graveside but it turns out it's only blood relatives... Guess I read too much into that after all. But I still feel I'd like to hold his hand, and that it would be a time to start talking about his father. I'm certainly not going to insist, particularly now the boundaries have been set.

Someone mentioned heroism and I think that's important - my motives could easily appear selfish but I really feel that I could help him when he has these hard moments, and that overcoming this silence would make us closer and therefore give him somewhere to turn.

I have lost people close to me - the first being a friend my own age when we were 12 and more recently (3 years now) my best friend. I know it's not the same as losing parent or spouse but it's my best point of reference. I've always chatted quite openly about them but I think OH is that much more reserved...

Well, chatting to you guys on here has really helped to get thoughts in order so thankyou again; I know what to do And thankyou for all the PMs I missed!

grey_lady

Wow - what a difficult situation, I dont think there is a right/wrong way of doing things that would apply to everyone. I do think that saying to your OH (gently) that you would like to be there and that you would have liked to have met his father would be appreciated. Even if he doesnt want you to go, offering is a way of showing you care.

BTW - I'm sure you know this already, but I just wanted to say that grief lasts a long time, and can make the person who's grieving act irational.

Bennifred

Hope you have a lovely Christmas, Badger_Lady. Your OH is lucky to have such a thoughtful partner!:A

DVardysShadow

Badger_Lady wrote: »

Sorry guys, it's really difficult to use this website on a mobile (no Internet at home). Sod the supposed anonimity!

I initially thought that OH's siblings' spouses were going to the graveside but it turns out it's only blood relatives... Guess I read too much into that after all. But I still feel I'd like to hold his hand, and that it would be a time to start talking about his father. I'm certainly not going to insist, particularly now the boundaries have been set.

May be another time.

Badger_Lady wrote: »

Someone mentioned heroism and I think that's important - my motives could easily appear selfish but I really feel that I could help him when he has these hard moments, and that overcoming this silence would make us closer and therefore give him somewhere to turn.

You can give him that. But it begins with him giving you access to some of his 'space'. Stay at the edge and wait to be asked in. FWIW, I tend to think that although you feel you did not handle the news of his father's death too well, you did actually respect his space and if you had gone much further at the time, you may actually have different or bigger issues now. Some of his reaction may be frustration at himself??? Remember the relationship was new.

Savvy_Sue

Actually, another thing to think about is whether someone who 'festers' about things for months is going to be 'the one'. Maybe something to consider once you see how Christmas goes.

lostinrates

BAdger Lady, DH's mother died before I met him. His family were ina very prolonged stage of of grief, DH had been responsible for his younger sibling, and it made life very difficult. He'd kep longer relationships from them in the past, his siblings were very possessive and scared a ''serious'' partner would take someone else from them. .

Things like Christmas need tact but also forward thinking. DH's fmaily were unwilling to share him at such times, but I also was unwilling to set a precident for how things would be in our future, so DH and I planned comprimises.

I think certainly going to the grave alone as a family, but erhaps coming home to, say a nice tea, perhaps finding out from DH if they have any favourite cakes, or even, depending onthe time, coming home to a meal, would be nice: showing you care for him, and by extention them, but rpect this ...situtation.

DH and I celebrate his mother's birthday, going out for a meal usually. And I know all about her, I ask him lots and he tells me lots. I feel almost as i I knew her, which is nice for DH...e.g. I know her favourite colours and artisits etc, and can point them out, and I recognise, from people tlking about her, where DH is similar to her and where he is less so.

Its all very new, your partner will often confuse grief with anger/irritation, and yu will get somethings wrong: that is human, just do your best.

Good luck

mrbrightside842

I'd have just asked him what he'd like me to do, if he wanted me there or not. Did he say why he thought you reacted horribly? Was it the silence? Just so you know how to handle things next time he speaks of it?

Badger_Lady

Yeah, he read my silence as disinterest. That's why I'm keen to prove that isn't the case (by trying to get involved). I generally do agree with the idea of keeping quiet and waiting for the affected party to be ready to talk, but that just isn't doing the job here.

It's worse because he's often talked about friends of his who he feels didn't react suitably and who have been shunned to a degree since. In fact, he even said during our first 'breakthrough' that the fact we were still together despite my silence was testiment to how strongly he feels about me, that he could put up with a behaviour that he found disgusting.