Supporting a bereaved partner

eXnurse_2

Hia - I'm posting under a new username because this is quite a sensitive issue that I'd prefer to keep fully anonymous.

**confuzzled**

I can see this from both sides and I also understand why you didn't go all out while he was telling you in the car(not easy when one fo you is driving) but from his POV he may have told while in the car coz he finds it difficult to talk about things important to him while staring them in the face...it is for me anyway....I usually only bare my soul to DH while we're having a cuddle so I know he isn't looking at me:o

Did you not speak about his dad once you'd got home/dropped off?!?

I'd say the best thing would be to start asking about his Dad, any hobbies they may have shared, type of humour he liked, anything you can think of really...if you're spending xmas together ask your OH if he wants to go over to his Mums for an hour to show you're also thinking of her:) What would normally happen at xmas if his Dad was still here. Just a general interest in his father will help immensly..it may even be a bit of a healing process for you OH. Honestly absolutely anything will help:) My Nan died 6yrs ago, my DH never met her but knows how important she was to me so asked me all sorts of questions(starting with the above) and now he feels he knows her so well that he makes comments like if somethings funny he says..."I bet your Nan would've loved that":D

As for going to the grave....you should insist you go..although you didn't know his Dad you know your OH and you should go to support him as he will may try & be strong for his Mum, and just knowing you're there will help him more than you imagine:)

Sorry this is a bit rambly, I tend to get carried away:o HTH x

londoner1998

Oh, I ca really imahine what you both are going through. I lost my father suddenldy two and a hlaf years ago, My OH knew him, they got on like a house on fire and he cried like a baby wen I told him on the phone ( I had to travel home when my dad fell ill). Afterwards, I have often felt that he wasn't supporting me the way I wanted...but in truth, may be I was just too angry with having lost my father (with whom I was so close) so suddenly. My poor OH has been there through really difficult patches (not out of it quite just yet) and I have often recriminated him not being able to support me more. Even though I know he can only do what he can do and his way of helping me was to be there even though inmy darkest moments I asked him to leave me. The reality is that there is not one single or perfect way to do this. I would say, don't go away- just stay there for him. Listen whenever he feels like talking (he might not) and respect the silences. Losing someone so close is a truly terrifying experience- it changes you in ways you would have never anticipated.
Be by his side, whatever he says. We all want the same thing- love. He needs it more than ever, this is a uge event in his life and extremely painful.Try to express your love for him in whatever way you feel can help him. I woudln't advice to leave him on his own now.
Be strong for him and allow him have his moments- it will help him
Good luck, you are a very brave lady.

Errata

If I were in your shoes I'd be happy to stay behind but tell those visiting the grave that I'd have the kettle on for when they got back.

The death is quite recent and feelings may still be raw and only truly understood by those who are mourning.

Listen when a listening ear is sought, and offer sympathy. You can't walk in his shoes nor should he expect you to, and you can only 'get to know' his version of his father. HTH

Badger_Lady

Thankyou Reading your comments made me cry again but your insight is so valuable - I really appreciate the help. Christmas is going to be with his whole family so I won't bring anything up unless they do. I suppose the heart of the problem is that I don't want to bring up painful subjects with OH but I expect him to volunteer them. And of course he doesn't want to discuss things that I've shown him no interest in. But I AM so very interested, it's just really difficult to express that to him.

The reason we didn't talk about things after the car journey is that we were actually en route to his mum's... She was still very much a new widow.

Counting_Pennies_2

Personally I would not insist on going to the grave as a previous poster mentioned. It is very personal and whatever he decides you should go along with in this respect. You might just find there is no ill feeling towards you in his decision for this. Visiting a grave is incredibly personal and I would have thought very raw right now.

I would do as others have stated. Try to bring up questions every now and then to try to get to know his dad, perhaps while you are on a walk, or in the car just asking about him and see if the conversation flows.

I remember my husband's granny loving to talk about all the lovely things her late husband had done and I had never met him, just seen one photo and I felt I knew him after years of reminising with her.

Take things gently with him.

In terms of how he feels I can see this from both sides. Firstly when my now husband and I first met, he was quite abrupt in the early days in terms of emotions and I was knocked back emotionally a few times and this made me reticent to recipricate later on when he became more emotionally inclusive. This has always been a bug bear with him, but it is something I had to do, to shut off from him to stop me being hurt and it is difficult to reverse a feeling when it has hurt.

Also I can also see the resentment to your immediate response is hurting you, the problem is grief is such a personal and selfish response and very emotional to discuss. All I can say is take the lead with a few questions every now and then, just when the time feels right. Perhaps if he talks about home, growing up, school, anything about the past, try it then. That way if the resentment does pop up you can demonstrate how you have been trying to understand

hth

Bogof_Babe

I agree with Errata about not insisting on going along. It is still too raw and recent for the family to feel relaxed enough to include you at the graveside, so it would only lead to awkwardness and maybe even resentment.

Pick a suitable moment to tell him quietly and calmly that you are there for him whenever he wants or needs to share his sorrow, but you won't put any pressure on him as it has to be his choice of when he feels he wants to talk about it. That's all you can do really. It isn't fair of him to criticize you for not taking the initiative, especially as you never even knew his dad.

pusscat

Aw poor you, and poor OH

The first of everything after a death is the worst time, the first Christmas, first birthday, first anniversay, it is all so raw and new.

The only thing to do is to just "be there". Don't push, don't force, don't ask questions and if anything about your OH's Dad comes up just smile and make some non comittal comment that is nice.

There is no right answers, so better to just let everyone go at their own pace - when the time is right you will be included in the grief....

If you are not invited then don't go to the grave - it is probably more of a practical thing - your OH probably needs to concentrate on his Mum rather than worrying about how you feel - as someone else suggested, just put the kettle on for when they get back - maybe make some home made biscuits.

Hope it all goes OK.

Puss
xx

Dumbledore55

I think you've forgotten to post under your new user name. You might want to delete that post.

chickaroonee

I think you've outed your other username if you want to delete your post?

I agree with the other posters, he's going through a tough time and it's easy to get angry at the world, including those close to you. I would say just tell him how much you love and care about him, and how you will always be there if he wants to talk about his dad and his loss. It may go without saying but so many people think there is a set time to grieve, and in my experience it's just not like that - you spend your first few months just coping, and only after a few months/years, do people often feel able to talk more about their loss (at least in my experience). Yet so many people think "a year has passed, surely you should be better by now".

I have lost some close people in my family, at a young age, and what upsets me is that noone ever asks me about them, what they were like, where they lived, their personalities etc because they are so afraid of upsetting me. Completely understandable, but conversely it makes me feel worse, I want to join in all the normal family conversations that people have but my friends would rather not involve me in these, because they're trying to be kind and think of me. Which is lovely but does make you feel like the odd one out!

So I would also suggest, asking your partner what his dad was like and talking about his memories of him too. Show you're interested in what he was like as a person. Obviously you should say you understand if this is too upsetting just now, and he doesn't want to talk about it! But in time you would love to know more about what he was like.

Sorry for my rambling! x

Threewheeler

Why not buy some flowers, give them to your OH to put on the grave.
No strings, this should show you care.
I wouldn't say anymore about going to the graveside with the family, just make sure you are able to welcome them back with warmth and tea if appropriate.