how can I say "No" without the guilt?

Turning_into_scrooge

I had this situation the other way round. My MIL didn't work so from my son being approx. 1 month old she used to come up and take him home with her. I got no chance to say no as she rail roded me into it. It took me nearly 12 months to bond totally with my son as she wouldn't leave me alone with him and interfered at all opportunities. I didn't have the guts back then to say no, i was too scared to. No way would i let it happen again.

Have you thought about sitting down and asking you DIL how she actually feels about being a mother, she may not feel adequate enough and sees you as the perfect solution, maybe being with her and the children may give her a bit more confidence. Just a thought, but i would say no as gently as possible and stand up for yourself and your needs.

culpepper

I've seen a few children who have been farmed out by their parents.
They don't really ever get on with their parents because they are not the people who have given them their values , love etc.

Jet

Wow, some people don't know how lucky they are!

My ex MIL had my son for 2 evenings for me in the first year of my son's life. That was it.

I would have killed for someone to look after him for a few hours a week so I could do the housework or the food shopping.

Turning_into_scrooge

Jet wrote:

Wow, some people don't know how lucky they are!

My ex MIL had my son for 2 evenings for me in the first year of my son's life. That was it.

I would have killed for someone to look after him for a few hours a week so I could do the housework or the food shopping.

The problem i had was that my MIL made me feel inadequate as a mother. She made me feel i was useless and not good at it, basically she took my confidence away as a mother. Now my mother had my nephew from being approx. 3 months old so my sis in law could go out to work as they didn't have much money and couldn't afford for her to take the time off she only had 3 months at home with him but the difference was that when sis in law was around she called the shots where my nephew was concerned and my mother took a back seat my Mil constantly told me i was doing everything wrong and my husband her son backed her up and said she was never Wrong hence we hit problems with our marriage at 2 years which i tried to keep together for nearly 12 years for the sake of our child, but by that time I'd had enough and i walked and never looked back. His mother died 2 years previous and i felt like i was being set free.

joannasmum

After having a quick skim through this thread (supposed to be working), I''m just wondering whether your DIL is suffering from Postnatal Depression. If she feels that she is unable to cope but cant tell anybody then off loading the children may be the only way of getting through the day.

Would it be possible to speak to her friends who are also taking up the slack as they may have some idea what going on in her head. I know that when my SIL had PND the general disorganisation was the first sign that something was really wrong. We managed to speak to the Health Visitor who did a casual drop round and it all came out that she wasnt coping (Her child was approx 2). I think that you really need to talk to your son as well because whatever is wrong cant continue and they need to sort it out as a family.

HTH

Nicki

joannasmum wrote:

After having a quick skim through this thread (supposed to be working), I''m just wondering whether your DIL is suffering from Postnatal Depression. If she feels that she is unable to cope but cant tell anybody then off loading the children may be the only way of getting through the day.

This was my first thought as well. I was diagnosed with PND when my second child was 6 months old, and the older one was still a toddler, and apparently it can develop at any time in the first year after the birth. I wasn't lucky enough to have family living close by who could help, but I was unable to cope with looking after my children for a long time, and even though I was by no means well enough to go out to work, we had to employ someone to help look after the children and run the house while I was ill. Prior to becoming ill I had a high profile job and a good income, and I'm sure there were some who muttered that I was just too spoilt/high and mighty to get my hands dirty changing nappies but this just wasn't the case. I ended up spending 6 months in hospital, and my parents in law didn't visit me once during this time! Most days I would just hang round the house doing nothing, but sometimes I would go out shopping or to have my hair done to try and make myself feel better, but without success.

How about helping your dil build a support network for herself. You could offer to go with her to mother and toddler groups until she feels comfortable doing this on her own. Newpin is very good for mothers in this kind of situation and you could find out for her if there is one near where you live. You might also suggest that she sees her GP or HV just to check out there is nothing wrong. They will be very quick to recognise any danger signs and will hopefully provide the necessary support. I was the last person to recognise that I was clinically depressed, and just thought I was exhausted and inadequate. Your dil may need anti-depressants or support from a counsellor or both.

The good news is that if it is treated PND does not last forever. I have been fine now for a couple of years and am now a very hands-on mum. In fact people don't believe me when I tell them how ill I once was and what my life was like. The worst thing to do is to ignore it. People think that depression is a minor condition and equate it with just being a bit down, but it is much more than that, and if it is not recognised and addressed then it can lead to tragedy.

Dead_Eye_Jones

The grandkids are ultimately not your responsability and therefore you should work out a schedule that suits you. Make it clear that you will look after grandkids when it suits you, simply say 'no', dont justify it and dont enter into secondary debate. As above it may make things easier if you agree a schedule, perhaps 1 night a week to be agreed in advance. Only in exceptional circumstance, and on your terms, can that rule be broken.

Having said that of course its great to have a strong relationship with your grandkids and both you and them will benefit from it, so in that respect you are very lucky. Dont be taken for granted, dont feel guilty. Yuove done your stint, now you get to enjoy the kids and give them back when you are feeling worn out, enjoy it - you earnt it!