how can I say "No" without the guilt?

northern_star

My DIL is a lovely young woman in many ways but is, by her own admission, spoilt (by this I mean she was indulged by her parents and given an air of grandeur). She and my son have 2 wonderful little boys but she seems to find caring for them herself a chore and will 'offload' them onto any available person whenever possible. This is an issue in itself but as I have recently become unemployed I seem to be her first port of call. I'm flattered that she chooses me and I love to spend time with them but not ALL the time - especially as I don't believe it's helpful to her developing her own parenting skills and a sense of responsibility.

How can I decline without upsetting/alienating her? (I should add that she is used to getting her own way and can throw spectacular tantrums when things don't go as she'd like). So far I've either agreed to take them (most often) or made an excuse (which leaves me riddled with guilt).

I know we're lucky to have them living so close by but I don't want to be constantly childminding. Her mum is now widowed and lives over 200 miles away so she's not an option in the day to day care. My son works full time, my DIL isn't in employment.

Does anyone have any suggestions or advice to offer?

bumpybecky

Well assuming you're willing to have them some of the time.....

I think you need to decide how often you're willing to have them (not including genuine emergencies obviously!) and then make a regular arrangement between you all. Maybe one or two morning(s) / afternoon(s) / day(s) a week / fortnight!?? (not sure how much you're being asked and what you think is reasonable).

I know I'd find it easier to work round if I had a definate arrangement rather than living in fear of the phone going.

IF she starts asking you at other times beyond what you're happy with, say no. You don't need to make an excuse and DO NOT feel guilty!

I've got 3 kids and live 10 mins from my PIL. I wouldn't dream of dumping the kids on them! both are now retired and are far too busy to be looking after my children! I'm very grateful for the help they do give

Might it help if you had a quiet word with your son? and told him that...
'I'm flattered that she chooses me and I love to spend time with them but not ALL the time - especially as I don't believe it's helpful to her developing her own parenting skills and a sense of responsibility.'

Good luck

AnnieH

Gosh. How hard is that? I understand you totally. I'm not in that postition myself and really can't understand why mums have to dump their kids off all the time.

I really don't know what to say. Could you try talking with your son about it?

Spendless

When you say first port of call? Calling round with the children and staying with them herself eg visiting or calling round and asking you to have them.

I agree with what bumpybecky has said agree when and how long you will have them for.

My parents, in-laws and nan all live in same village as me, and from time to time I will call in on them with the kids, but I will ask for emergency cover. And there is also set times when a relative has them too. The one thing I have found upsetting this week is to have asked for help (due to an exam) and then have it grumbled about that they had to help. If you don't wish to babysit state so (tactfully if that is what is needed) but don't go ahead and then grumble about event afterwards.

All the best

Dr.Lou

As you say you have recently become unemployed, could you say that on XYZ days you are working on your CV, looking for another jobs etc, and so you are only available on days ABC. Just an idea!

My MIL looks after my niece and nephew at the drop of a hat despite working full time, and although she has never complained about it and probably enjoys having the kids to stay, I think it may have become a habit which is hard to break. I think the best thing is to nip it in the bud nicely, before it gets out of hand and you are expected to drop everything for your DIL.

northern_star

It's definitely babysitting as opposed to visiting. Some days she will ring and ask me to have one or, more usually, both of them and other days she will call round with them and ask me to have them (this is the most difficult to refuse as once my older grandson - aged 3 - sees me he asks to stay). We are talking almost every day here. And on the days when she doesn't ask or I have declined I usually learn that she has gone on to leave them with someone else.

I've thought about having a word with my son but he's rubbish at discretion and he'd disclose our conversation and my concerns to her (putting the emphasis on whatever suits him at the time :mad: )

Perhaps, as suggested, set times for seeing the boys would be good but my son & DIL lead a disorganised life in which routine/schedule plays little part and I know they would be wanting to change any 'arrangement' almost before it's made!

I feel it's about me finding ways to be more assertive in this situation without upsetting DIL too much.

bumpybecky

poor boys

sorry. that doesn't help your situation does it I'm not surprise you're feeling a bit fed up of this is happening on an almost daily basis.

Have you thought about becoming a registered childminder and charging them for your childminding services? (semi-serious suggestion)

Counting_Pennies_2

I am trying to look at reasons why she would be offloading them so often.

It sounds like she has a double dose of toddlerhood on her hands, which is enough to send anyone to distraction, and if she hasn't a routine it sounds like it is even more difficult to cope with as toddlers really can only function amidst structure.

Maybe she is finding it difficult, and offloading is the only way for her to cope, maybe she is finding life harder than she thought it would be.

If it is the above, there isn't much you can do, apart from maybe provide structure in the kids lives as much as you can, this in turn may provide more stable children, not saying they aren't at the moment and might even help her out.

How about, as the others say, offer to have the little ones on certain days for x amount of time, the rest of the time make your diary busy, you will probably find this benefits yourself anyway. Take up a fitness class, go to job seeking missions other times, have regular meet ups with friends or take on an adult education class, there are loads in the week. That way you won't be able to feel guilty, the times you have the little ones will be in your time, and this in turn might provide structure for the whole family.

If your DIL understands you are only available to childcare on certain days and times I am sure she will do all she can to get them to you at that time, which might help her structure the rest of her time.

Turn this around to be an empowerment exercise for you

Good luck

northern_star

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. I've been mulling this over through the night and thinking through some of your suggestions and comments. As I say my DIL has many wonderful qualities but she was raised by indulgent parents who don't seem to have equipped her to live in the social class she now finds herself in. She has an unrealistic approach to employment (not something she's keen to do at all but certainly not unless she can join an organisation in a high profile position and even then she'd only do it until the 'novelty' wore off - see what I mean about unrealistic?). She loves the boys, don't get me wrong, but seems to find the day to day care tedious and something she'd much rather pass on to others (she'd love a live-in nanny - again unrealistic expectations).

I'm keen to help and to spend time with my wonderful grandchildren but I don't want them dumped on me (or anyone else) all the time as they really deserve better. Also, as with myself, others must be getting tired of being called on in this way - it's smacks of being 'expected' to help at the merest request and resentment is starting to creep in. It offers little stability to the children.

I'm planning on offering to take the boys for one overnight stay per week (which will allow son & DIL the opportunity to go out if they choose) and an afternoon at the weekend. I'm sure DIL will expect more as I'm not currently working but I do have to spend time looking for work and I have other things to catch up with too. I'll make it obvious that I'll be available in REAL emergencies (trouble with that is as they live their lives in such a frantic and disorganised way, every day has a 'crisis' of one sort or another!).

Honestly, it's all such a worry. They are also absolutely hopeless with money (DIL mum still bails them out constantly but that's another story) and now they're talking about emigrating! I'm struggling to understand how they feel moving to another country and away from the support systems they have here is a positive move - not to mention the cost :eek: If DIL isn't coping with the realities of motherhood with people to hand, how on earth will she manage in another part of the world with just my son (who will be working full-time)? I've no doubt she'll make friends but then she'll probably do, as she does at present, which is use them as places to off-load the boys (until they get fed up and ditch her).

Oh well I guess I have to take one step at a time with them. And the emigrating thing might all come to nothing....

Lillibet_2

Is not answering your front door sometimes an option? This would add weight to a "only certain days arrangement" if you could pull it off.
Alternatively, if you can't face talking to her about it, could you put it in a letter to both DiL & Son? If she is turning up unannounced with the grandchildren who then want to stay with you she is effectively emotionally blackmailing you into having them, hardly a good example to set!! How will she feel when they are old enough to turn the tables & do the same to her (which will happen much sooner than she thinks possible!)

Good luck;)

gk172

What about suggesting that the older one goes into playgroup or nursery to mix with other kids? and that would give the little one more structure if it was say 3 mornings a week?

Were does your daughter in law go when you have the kids? Or what does she do? maybe she asks you to watch them and goes home and does housework kid free? or shopping? If i had an easy option of my mil for a hour or 2 to get on with things in the house i would possibly take it maybe once a week.