Choosing not to see your child at Christmas?

Kaz2904

Not me I hasten to add!

Last year my sister said that her hubby was taking their son to spend Christmas day with his family. They live about 200 miles from them so fair enough I think. So I said to my sis oh well we won't be at (our families) this year either because we were spending it with DH's. She then said she WOULD be at our families.
I got a little confused and said I thought you were going up to his? "No DH and DS are. I've been there before for Christmas and hated it- it's not Christmas if it's not at ......."
I was really cross that she would choose to do this. I'm a nurse so I have to work over Christmas. I had an argument with her about it because I couldn't believe she would be selfish enough to do this to her 2 year old.
Anyway.... It never happened. They were poorly (?really?) so she brought DN down here on boxing day and left her hubby at home.

Turns out in conversation that it IS happening this year. Her hubs is taking DN to the north and she's coming down south.
What kind of message does that give to her in laws and to her hubs. I'm sad for her that she seems to have missed out on the point of life- sometimes it's about doing things you don't want to do because it will make someone else happy. Surely marriage is about compromise.

Last year I told my family that they should say she couldn't come and they said they were trying to persuade her to do the right thing. I said she wouldn't because she's a selfish moo. This just isn't fair on her little boy surely?


.........AND breathe!

ceebeeby

Presuming she's old enough to be married with children, what she does is up to her .... not you.

Huffing about it will get you no where whatsoever. You've said your piece and that's as much as you can do.

Wickedkitten

Do you have any idea of the kind of relationship that she might possibly have with her in-laws?

I'm sad for her that she seems to have missed out on the point of life- sometimes it's about doing things you don't want to do because it will make someone else happy. Surely marriage is about compromise.

You have no idea about what kind of compromise they might have in their marriage, perhaps this actually is the compromise because his mother and your sister don't get along and her husband doesn't want her to get stressed out about spending the holidays in a place where she doesn't feel welcome.

Last year I told my family that they should say she couldn't come and they said they were trying to persuade her to do the right thing. I said she wouldn't because she's a selfish moo. This just isn't fair on her little boy surely?

Because your sister is doing something that you don't approve of and you don't know the story behind, the rest of your family shouldn't make her feel welcome, that's real mature.

Marcheline

Wow, she is SELFISH! It is totally unfair to her little one. To be honest if I was even thinking about doing this to my daughter, my mum and dad wouldn't have me in the house over Christmas 'til I sorted my priorities out.

Surely she can compromise by saying "one year and his parents, one year at your parents". I suppose it woul be entirely impossible for her to cook a Christmas dinner and have both her parents and in-laws round? OR, just her, her husband and child?

littlemissfrugal

I cant stick my in-laws and after many years of arguing and disagreements with poor OH in the middle I decided to opt out of family stuff on their side - BUT is is fair of me to deprive my DD of seeing them just because I dont get on with them - i dont think so, whilst I probably wouldn't want to be apart from her on Xmas day I would have no issue with OH taking her to visit. Your sister has made arrangements to suit her and her family and unless you are in her shoes you cannot possibly understand the reasons why - yes maybe ask her but respect her decision

fernliebee

TBH whatever I thought of my DH family there would be no WAY I would miss my little ones christmas, especially when they are so little. I don't think christmas is particularly important to me as I am not religious etc but it is a time for children and making sure they have the best day (not necessarily showered with gifts) but just to have their family around is important IMO. I love every minute of preparing things for DD ready for xmas morning and couldn't leave it to DH, let alone his family to do- it is my job IMO.

Ultimately though it is her decision and she will be the one to miss out in the end, as she will have missed those times. The little boy will just accept it I would presume as kid's are very adaptable, especially when there is a lot of excitement going on, and I'm sure he will still have fun if his daddy is there. IMO she is being very selfish though, if she doesn't get along with his family they could do xmas at home together then the DH could take him to visit his family boxing day or something.

Always

littlemissfrugal wrote: »

I cant stick my in-laws and after many years of arguing and disagreements with poor OH in the middle I decided to opt out of family stuff on their side - BUT is is fair of me to deprive my DD of seeing them just because I dont get on with them - i dont think so, whilst I probably wouldn't want to be apart from her on Xmas day I would have no issue with OH taking her to visit. Your sister has made arrangements to suit her and her family and unless you are in her shoes you cannot possibly understand the reasons why - yes maybe ask her but respect her decision

This pretty much sums up what I was going to say - maybe your sister thinks she's doing the right thing by letting her in laws see their grandchild on christmas day, but really can't deal with them herself.

Me and the "mother-in-law" have a strained polite relationship and honestly I wouldn't go there at Christmas (or any other time to be fair) but would let OH take the children - fortunately (or not) we all live round the corner from each other so it's not an either or situation

Anyway don't let it stress you out, everyones family is different and you have to accept that things other people (even close relatives) do, you wouldn't, and vice versa...

pelirocco

Well Christmas is only one day a year , there is probably too much expectation placed on this one day?

RadoJo

It sounds as though you are annoyed because it's not what you would choose to do if you didn't have to work, but even if she was with her son, it wouldn't change the fact that you have to work, and it probably won't make you feel any better in the long run.

What if your sister was berating you for choosing a profesion where sometimes you can't be with your family due to work? I'm sure you make up for the times when you're working with other special times over the year, but it's not necessarily something you would want to defend to other people who don't know your situation. I think you might just have to accept that this isn't your decision and that she's entitled to do whatever she wants - so long as she and her husband are happy with it, there's no reason for you or your family to intervene.

Kaz2904

Thanks for all the comments so far.
I've not said anythng about it this year, I'm just letting her get on with it.
There aren't any issues with his family, she gets on fine with them but finds them boring. She doesn't like their food either.
RadoJo, no I'm not annoyed because I have to go to work. It's part of the job. I'm on nights this year so get the whole day with the little people! Feel a bit sorry for DH because he'll be on his own after they go to bed but they'll probably stay round at the family's until quite late and he'll bring them back and be in bed not long after. I'll take the other car over so I can just shoot off to work when it's time. I expect DH and the other chaps will be putting the world to rights as they usually do (in between the mocking and chocolate eating!).

Unfortunately no option for her to do the Christmas at home thing, they don't live near anyone so nobody can pop there for the day and they don't have space for anyone to stay.
I don't think it's been a compromise, BiL has just put his foot down because his parents worship DN and would love to spend Christmas day with him just once. She's stropped and said "Fine but I'm not going!"
For her it is JUST about spending Christmas day here- she'll happily go to them at other times and was up there last new year in fact.
She's just a bit odd IYSWIM?


ETA: Kind of reminds me of the time when my mother went to Scotland back to her family home for Christmas because it wasn't right anywhere else. My granddad and uncle (who lived there) weren't even there as they were down here with the rest of the family :rotfl:. Her husband wasn't there because he wanted to be at home so he could see his family. She spent Christmas day sitting on her own but that's alright because she was *at home* :rolleyes:.

iamana1ias

Kaz2904 wrote: »

I don't think it's been a compromise, BiL has just put his foot down because his parents worship DN and would love to spend Christmas day with him just once. She's stropped and said "Fine but I'm not going!"
.

so this is her child's 3rd Xmas and the first he's spending with his paternal grandparents? Sounds a good idea to me. If he only has to do it once during the kid's life might as well do it at an age he won't remember.
Not like Xmas has any meaning for a toddler anyway.