What to do??

Zazen999

newbeginning wrote: »

I don't think I'll ever find out why it happened, I've asked so many times and all I get from him is 'Stupidity', I think he did it just because he thought he wouldn't get found out, I don't think she was anything special, just the first one easy enough to spread her legs for him, if that makes sense?

I've thought about s ome kind of counselling, but have never had any experience or know anyone that's been down that route before, so don't really know about that?

I do know that if I do give it another go there is no way it's gonna be easy for him, I just don't know if I can live with someone that has cheated on me, as much as I love him, I don't want to end up hating him for what he's done.

I really need to try and do something, I normally love this time of year, and I haven't even managed to buy one christmas pressie yet, I keep telling myself I've got to get on for the sake of the kids, but just can't bear it.

You've answered your own question in your user name.

If you both want to carry on as a couple, then you both need a new beginning.

To do that; you both need honesty. If he isn't prepared to tell you the truth [so that you can make sure it doesn't happen again] then it will happen again. If you can't tell him how this has made you feel, then he won't know the impact of his actions.

I'd give him an ultimatum; either tell the truth or it's the end. If you get the truth then perhaps you can both have that new beginning that you are after.

Errata

newbeginning wrote: »

This is what I think as well, my trouble is if it was just because he could, how can I know he won't do it again, 'just because he can'

TBH - you can't. You can tell him what the consequences of his past behaviour are, and what future consequences will be. So far, he seems to be getting away scot free.

I don't know the other woman, but do know where she lives, but I refuse to lower myself to her standards, she knew about me and the kids, but still choose to sleep with him, I know she asked him to leave me, and he wouldn't. He says he ended it 'because it was wrong' I think he ended it cos she was getting to heavy for him.

I think you're right, and perhaps you might want to think about the way he's treated this woman as well as you like a piece of trash.

It's a difficult situation for you, but I think you need to start laying the law down about his betrayal of his kids, and you, and his dishonesty towards you and exactly what he has to do to make amends. I hope you're making him sleep on the couch, cook his own meals and do his own washing. In your shoes I would have asked him to stay somewhere else for a couple of weeks until I'd got my head together.

paula7924

both men and women cheat because it is new and exciting and their stable home life is safe and cosy but dull. Lots of people don't take it beyond flirting - that frisson reminds you of a life before responsibilities and when you were younger and sexier! I don't think most people, including your partner, want the other person instead of you (unless the relationship really has gone bad) they just want the sparkle and excitement that comes with something new. And I think that most people decide that they don't really want the new, once they get it, and can often make them more committed as they have seen what other options are out there and decided that they prefer what they have at home and aren't interested in anyone else.
The problem is that you're no longer teenagers and this playing away feels like a betrayal rather than a confirmation.
there's a book called "why men cheat" which might be helpful - get your library to order it in for you.
http://www.metro.co.uk/lifestyle/424296-why-men-cheat-and-how-to-stop-them
(i think it applies to women just as much though)

maybe your partner will be able to explain the why better if you have this and can say was this the way it was for you. You need to be able to learn how to trust him again - maybe this will help.

I don't think that this has to be the end of things and i also don't think that you are being a doormat or letting him get away with it if you do decide to stay together. This is a chance for you BOTH to reevaluate your relationship and make it better.

Best of luck

Lara44

I really think you need to look at relate or another form of couples counselling. It sounds like there are issues in your relationship, or maybe in your partner's head alone that you haven't been able to confront yet.

I would want to put partner in the spare room until enough counselling had gone past that you both understand the reasons for the affair. Only then I think are you in a position to know if you can work together to make the changes that need to be made to prevent this happening again.

Minimum_Wage_2

Well it looks as if your having trouble deciding what your going to do, on one hand you love him and you still want to stay with for yourself and your kids, and on the other he has made you feel very hurt. you had better have a long hard think about what you are going to do and whether you want to split or try and make amends.

trying to get a reason why he done it will be hard, and you'll never know whether it was because of some stupid mistake on his half or whether there is a real reason behind it. how many times has some one done something wrong and said " i don't know why i done it, it just happened" or they give some feeble excuse of why it happened. For all we know it could of happened because they were so shallow and have no respect for the relationship.

Has he asked you for a second chance and is he willing to do anything to make it work? if so is he actually going to work at it as so many just say it to get out of a tricky situation at the time and hope that you'll forget about it afterwards.
Not a lot of us have gone for counseling, but many of us have had to deal with this sort of thing or have known someone that has been through it.

i can see that this has taken over and you cant stop thinking about it, yes it has really hurt you and its turned your whole life into turmoil but for the sake of your family and this is not going to be easy by far!

During the day (or weekends if your working) concentrate on the Christmas things and getting that sorted, try very hard not to think of what he has done. In the evening do the main jobs and let him do all the rest of the things while you sit in the quiet thinking about what your going to do. Tell him its going to be like that for as long as it take for you to decide on what your going to do, and just let him stew on that. Dont let this spoil it for the kids, yes it is very hard and its not going to be easy but that doesn't mean to say that your going to make it easy for him nor do you have to be really nice to him.

If he hasn't asked or begged you for a second chance then how do you know that he wants one? i mean that if he was crying when he was telling you, it might not of been because he was guilty but because of his frustration and knowing that everything he will do will have to be justified.

it has been him that has lost the trust by going with another so he will have to justify his every move and keep telling you of his feelings for you and not just "i love you's". he has to prove to you that he isn't going to do it again and that he is really sorry that he has done it. if he tells you that its in the past and he is still with you is enough then it will only show how shallow he is and you would be much better off without him.

no matter what anyone says on here, it will only be you that will know whether you want to make ago of it or not. we can give you a lot of advise on what to do but it will only be you that will know if he really means what he is saying. it will be hard to forget it as it has devastated your life and you'll always remember it but it will get easier as time goes by. You need to know what you really want in your heart and whether you could in time forgive him. it all boils down to how much do you really love him to be able to try again.

hope you can find your answer (((hugs)))

superdood

How did you find out? This can tell alot about how sincere he is, did he tell you himself because he wanted you to know or was he backed into a corner until he had no other choice but to confess?

garthdp

Dont listen to the embittered ("punch him in the balls" - thats going to sort it out long term!!!) ,

Go to Relate -on your own if you have to to start with - and get help from trained counsellers.If he wants to save his relationship he will turn up sooner or later if you make that the one and only condition .

If it cant be saved then you will at the very least know wht.Be prepared to be brutally honest with him and yourself.it aint easy but it will be worth it whatever the outcome

good luck