What to do??

newbeginning_2

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Ruby_Moon

A man who has an affair usually does so when they are a little bit bored and need an ego boost. Someone comes along, gives them a wink and a nudge and off they run for a bit of fun.
Trouble is, unless you provide all a man needs, he will do it again.
I am a firm believer that if two people in a relationship provide each other with the things they need, then neither of them will look else where no matter how many winks or nudges they get.
I don't believe that leopards change their spots, not while in the same relationship anyway.
I would tell him to go hike and have some self respect. I certainly wouldn't want to be with a guy who had dipped his nib in another well.

Oldernotwiser

Whilst "staying together for the sake of the children" may now be seen as an outdated concept, it still remains that children are better in two parent families and their good needs to be taken into consideration.

If this is an otherwise successful relationship, it may be a good idea, for all concerned, to try to examine what has gone wrong and try to put the pieces back together. Hopefully, trust can be rebuilt and both parties learn from what has happened.

Good luck.

pinkshoes

Although he may be sorry, there is no way you should just "forgive" him, as that would be an open ended ticket for him to do it again.

My best mate's long term b/f did the dirty on her, and this is what she did:

1. Gave him a grilling, asking him to give precise details of whom she was, how long it had gone on, why it happened etc... If he wanted a second chance, he was going to have to be 100% honest.

2. The relationship started from scratch again, and he had to earn her trust. This meant taking her on dates, doing all the driving to parties, cooking her dinner etc... If he wanted her back, he had to earn her back.

Several years on, they're still together, and she does trust him again. She certainly didn't let him off lightly though, and it was a lot of hard work on her behalf to trust him again.

Personally I would make him wear a sandwich board out on a Saturday (all day - including the evening) saying "I'm sorry for cheating on my wife".

Errata

I've asked him so many questions time and time again, and the only one he can't answer is 'Why?' - but that's the one I really need the answer to

Have you thought about telling him what the consequences will be if he doesn't make an attempt to tell you why ? Give him a reason to tell you, other than you wanting to know IYSWIM

tony1974

tell him thats ok and youv been seeing someone for 6 months and you to are sorry 2 and see what he has to say?

he will not do it agin if he thinks you have someone on the side, infact he will never leave your side again

as forgive? NO
forget Maybe?

dont let him off lightly what ever you do, but dont push him to far away if you want him back, you now have his balls where you want them in your hands

tony1974

newbeginning wrote: »

I've told him if he can't tell me why it's over but he still just gives the same answer, he doesn't know, it was stupid, he wasn't thinking, etc

he cant tell you because he knows it will hurt you put your self in his place what would you say? its hard. hes been found out and thinking OMFG i wish I could crawl under a rock than talk about why give him time to heal and then ask when you are both talking im sure he will tell you then. whats on his mind is he only wants your forgiveness and anything he might say might blow his chance with you e.g puts his foot in it.

rheme

tony1974 wrote: »

he cant tell you because he knows it will hurt you put your self in his place what would you say? its hard. hes been found out and thinking OMFG i wish I could crawl under a rock than talk about why give him time to heal and then ask when you are both talking im sure he will tell you then. whats on his mind is he only wants your forgiveness and anything he might say might blow his chance with you e.g puts his foot in it.

Good advice.

Errata

newbeginning wrote: »

I've told him if he can't tell me why it's over but he still just gives the same answer, he doesn't know, it was stupid, he wasn't thinking, etc

Don't let him kid you. He knows full well. He was flattered, she was easy, he wanted to get his leg over, they were desparately in love, he was bored, you were boring etc etc etc

neneromanova

How did you find out that he had cheated?

Debt_Free_Chick

Ruby_Moon wrote: »

Trouble is, unless you provide all a man needs, he will do it again.
I am a firm believer that if two people in a relationship provide each other with the things they need, then neither of them will look else where no matter how many winks or nudges they get.

I agree with the sentiments of this.

My take on it is this ...

There are two people in a relationship and if one strays, then the other one has played a part in moving the person in to a space whereby they seek or find something in the affair that is lacking in their existing relationship.

Communication with your partner is the only way. There is something lacking in your current relationship and you have to work with your partner to find out what's wrong.