What would you do?

sarmia

I do have a lot of 'love' for him as he has been a part of my life for so long. I will discuss therapy and see what he says.
I find it hard to cuddle him, kiss him things like that which also pushes him away and then makes me sad that I cant give him those things.
I feel like i'm in a rutt and want to be myself again. Part of me thinks we got too serious to young and maybe as I was tied down so earlier I want to be on my own.
Where is the best place to find someone to talk too, can you go on your own.

maggied_2

sarmia wrote: »

Thank you for the reply.

Sorry, I do work full time. If I go out (which is never) we argue and I have to give a place, time, who i'm with etc. If I text anyone he wants to know who it is, it feels very controlling.
I think if I do move out then we could start 'dating' again and my feelings might come back.
We split just before I found out I was pregnant (for the same reasons) but got back for the child. I just think time will repeat itself again.

This seems like the most important thing. Everyone does go through patches where everything is rubbish and all you do is work, house stuff sleep and then start again! If your partner is basically stopping you from having any outside interests (been there...in the end it was easier to agree to not go rather than have another blazing row) then of course you will feel resentful towards him. That needs to be addressed straightaway.

Does he help out with your son? If you're both working fulltime there needs to be fair division of labour.

Can you find ways of making more time both for yourself and each other. Would finances run to a cleaner (even once a fortnight / month) same for a babysitter? Can you sort things so once a fortnight he goes out and then 2 weeks later you do the same (or again even once a month?). A friend of mine does this with her husband and says it keeps them both sane - just to have something to look forward to that doesn't involve housework or childcare.

Ultimately you need to ask - do you want to look back in a couple of years and think "that was a rough patch, glad we got through it" or "that was a cr*ppy relationship, glad I'm out of it".

You can't just make this better by yourself - you're a family now so you need to sort it out together.

lostinrates

sarmia wrote: »

I do have a lot of 'love' for him as he has been a part of my life for so long. I will discuss therapy and see what he says.
I find it hard to cuddle him, kiss him things like that which also pushes him away and then makes me sad that I cant give him those things.
I feel like i'm in a rutt and want to be myself again. Part of me thinks we got too serious to young and maybe as I was tied down so earlier I want to be on my own.
Where is the best place to find someone to talk too, can you go on your own.

I don't know where to suggest for help, but I just want to add that while you might not feel able to be intimate with him now, it might not be forever.

gabymum

Hi
I'm really concerned that only a few people have picked up on the issue of him controlling you.

Wanting to know your every move and causing arguments when you get outside interests is not caring. It is , bluntly, emotional abuse.

Now, clearly, I don't know how big a part of your relationship this is but it will not get any better without you taking back some control. (In fact, evidence shows it is likely to escalate)

If this is only a small problem and you are simply looking for a way out then I apologise, but many people in relationships like this do become confused about how they feel and often blame themselves.

You could speak to some of the Womens Aid helplines. It might give you some more clarity about what the real problem is (or isn't)

I hope this response has not offended you.

clairehi

gabymum wrote: »

Hi
I'm really concerned that only a few people have picked up on the issue of him controlling you.

Wanting to know your every move and causing arguments when you get outside interests is not caring. It is , bluntly, emotional abuse.

Now, clearly, I don't know how big a part of your relationship this is but it will not get any better without you taking back some control. (In fact, evidence shows it is likely to escalate)

If this is only a small problem and you are simply looking for a way out then I apologise, but many people in relationships like this do become confused about how they feel and often blame themselves.

You could speak to some of the Womens Aid helplines. It might give you some more clarity about what the real problem is (or isn't)

I hope this response has not offended you.

Sounds like a good idea, I think the OP needs to think carefully about whether her OH is being reasonable here. its impossible for us to know whether he is trying to "control" her (and dangerous to try).

Anyone OP, your little one is still very small and it is EXHAUSTING working full-time with a preschool child. Everyone needs time for themselves but personally I just did not have the energy for hobbies/going out in the evening at that stage.

it did get better when the kids got older and I now have more of a social life, especially with friends I have met with kids a similar age. I feel a lot happier now but I do remember feeling very isolated when coping with toddlers and working. The tiredness may be enough in itself to make you feel blue. Great if you can get your partner to do more to help, but this can be a battle too.

It doesnt last forever, when your LO is a bit older and more independent you will find life gets easier!

In the meantime, I dont know what you do for a job but could you make time for meeting up with friends/going to the gym/whatever else you feel like doing in your lunch hour?

shimmershelly

sarmia wrote: »

Where is the best place to find someone to talk too, can you go on your own.

Relate will see you on your own, and help you work through your issues.
I have been feeling much the same way as you and have found my Relate sessions have reaffirmed the way I'm feeling, rather than make me want to stay with my husband though, so you need to be prepared for that.
They won't tell you what to do but will help you to see things more clearly.