What would you do?

lostinrates

sarmia wrote: »

I just feel I cant give him what he wants or deserve.

But that is not the situation you initially posed. Why can't you give him what he wants or deserves? Although I'd try and be a bit positive about it I agree the first thing to resolve is your relationship with your self/ fulfillment, and most certainly by this quote, self esteem. No one, NO ONE else can do that for you.

You do need to address the control thing. Perhaps he sees it simply as being very caring/protective? Perhaos asking you about calls/texts is trying to show interest/keep bond building?

Zazen999

sarmia wrote: »

This is both our biggest relationship and in the past I did get hobbies (gym, walking just simple things like that), but they caused arguements so it stopped.

No offence; but if these are causing arguments, then you are probably better off out of that relationship.

sarmia

He wants to be loved and I cant give him itimacy or anything like that.

I do feel down about myself and I know I need to get some me time back and feel good about myself. Would councilling help or is it a waste of money. I feel so confused, not myself and I apologise if I am not explaining myself very well.

amalis

Sarmia, that is all right. Here is the right place to talk. Sometimes even when you put your thought in writing it becomes more clear for yourself and you can deal with the situation better.
Councilling is a good thing, the right person can really help to clarify your head. If you have money I would say go for it.
Marriage is not a honeymoon all the time, it is a hard work and I belive you have to do everything you can to save your family, not to regret later "I wish I tried harder...".

sarmia

Thank you.

We aren't married but may as well be. My mum was in a loveless relationship and I watched how it affected her and for the rest of her life. I feel like i'm in a big dark hole and that this is how my life will always be. It hasnt happened overnight.

I'll enquire about the counselling.

Ruby_Moon

sarmia wrote: »

I just feel I cant give him what he wants or deserve.

Have you an eye on someone else? Or has someone else smiled at you and you have butterflies in your tummy?

sarmia

No.

But it would be nice to have that again,

sarmia

No, but to have that again would be nice.

It has been so long since we had any of that.

londoner1998

sarmia wrote: »

He wants to be loved and I cant give him itimacy or anything like that.

I do feel down about myself and I know I need to get some me time back and feel good about myself. Would councilling help or is it a waste of money. I feel so confused, not myself and I apologise if I am not explaining myself very well.

A lot of things are coming up now and I think you need to address them before you make any decision.
It doesn't sound like your OH is the problem, but rather something is not right with your self-steem. You speak of a a 'hloe' and your mum's loveless relationship- now, it is hugely positive that you can even mention it- I would say, go for counselling- I did and even though it was for work/relationship problems to begin with, two years on I am unearthing lot of childhood traumas and exploring how they are affecting my view of myself and my relationships at every level. I need an awful lot of correction, but I know I will get there eventually.

Like you, I have been in a bit of an impasse in terms of intimacy with my lovely man, but I know it has to do with my own childhood and I am taking little steps every day to gets closer again, because he is amazing.
Like you, I have left friendships and hobbies a bit to the side (because of chronic fatigue in my case) and that made me feel that we are more friends than lovers. BUT- you can change that by looking inside yourself first and seeing what is really going on. I am doign it and you can too.

Find a good counsellor you can comminucate with and go for it. Whatever you decide to do in the end you will have learned a lot about yourslef.
It seems to me you still love your OH a lot.

lostinrates

sarmia wrote: »

Thank you.

We aren't married but may as well be. My mum was in a loveless relationship and I watched how it affected her and for the rest of her life. I feel like i'm in a big dark hole and that this is how my life will always be. It hasnt happened overnight.

I'll enquire about the counselling.

I'm just wondering...that your mother was in a loveless relationship might not be coincidence, and you are right that if it really isn't working, its not good to stay in, but if some of the hiccups you describe from your side are not resolved it might be a pattern you could take to a future realtionship too.

Would your partner consider attending some ''therapy'' like relate with you? I think that its rare a problem in our complex lifes is single issue.

Again, good luck, I hope this has a good outcome for you.