What would you do?

sarmia

My partner and I have been together for 9 years and have a young boy. First things were great but over time things have started to fizzle out and for the past 12-18 months my feelings have totally gone. I have bottled this up for so long and about 6 weeks ago it all came to ahead and I told him I didnt love him.

I dont do much, I spend 99% of my time at home looking after our son (which I enjoy), and i feel trapped and that I have no life.
I really do not think in a couple of months this will change as I feel so down with the relationship. He is a great bloke but I look at him like a friend. He didnt see it coming as he was always busy doing his stuff and I think that this has caused me to resent him a little. I feel bad for my son (3).

I think I should go, but am scared. I do not want to bring my son up in a household which continues to argue or to split up when he starts school.

What would you do? I am so confused and dont really have anyone to talk too.

neneromanova

Why don't you start doing things? Get a hobby or get a part time job. I was stuck in that rut once and felt He was more like a friend than anything, but I started doing something I enjoyed (I'm doing a cake decorating course one night a week for 3 hrs) Having had that little bit of independance back has changed the way I feel sooooo much.

Do you want the relationship to work or just walk away?

You need to talk to each other and try "dating" each other again. Get dressed up and go for a nice meal somewhere and see what happens. Don't give up until you have tried everything.

Dave101t

you need to work out who you are out of love with, him or yourself and just taking it out on him? definitely get some real hobbies, we all know about bored housewives so take up painting, buy a dog, set up a business from home etc etc. so much to choose from you should never be bored.

sarmia

Thank you for the reply.

Sorry, I do work full time. If I go out (which is never) we argue and I have to give a place, time, who i'm with etc. If I text anyone he wants to know who it is, it feels very controlling.
I think if I do move out then we could start 'dating' again and my feelings might come back.
We split just before I found out I was pregnant (for the same reasons) but got back for the child. I just think time will repeat itself again.

jamespir

he sounds quite controlling propbally becasue hes insecure has he been cheated on in the past or are you his first relationship sit down and have a chat with him and discuss your problems walking away isnt the answer

lostinrates

sarmia wrote: »

I dont do much, I spend 99% of my time at home looking after our son (which I enjoy), and i feel trapped and that I have no life.

Could this be the source of the disatisfaction? How ever much you ove someone, such an isolated (from other addult company life) means your partner could be inadaquately filling roles other than just partner and husband.
I really do not think in a couple of months this will change as I feel so down with the relationship. He is a great bloke but I look at him like a friend.

I understand this happenes in most relationships at some point. Could it be that more time with other friends would let him out of the pure friend role and back to being your best friend and lover?
He didnt see it coming as he was always busy doing his stuff and I think that this has caused me to resent him a little. I feel bad for my son (3).
Can he sacrifice some of his stuff for you to have time doing some of your stuff?

I think I should go, but am scared. I do not want to bring my son up in a household which continues to argue or to split up when he starts school.

What would you do? I am so confused and dont really have anyone to talk too.

There is a toe curling cliche that you can't love anyone until you love yourself. It seems to me that outside of your role as a mother (and partner), which is about other people, there isn't much going on for you. You ask what we would do. In your shoes I'd look at seeing if filling the other holes in my life (friends to talk to, things to do, and even things to do with your partner) might let my partner fill adaquatey the space meant for a partner, not for everything that is not your son.

What would you like to be doing? Wht are your interests? Wht do you want to do when your son starts school?

That might be hugely wide of the mark. Its hard to tell really, from an internet forum.

Good luck with your future.

ETA: see, hugely wide of the mark, from the information after the first post, which was all that was there when I started! Good luck!

Wine_of_the_World

It sound like to me that you do still care about your partner very much, you describe him as a friend and a good person. Perhaps the relationships needs jazzing up a bit? Maybe you need to spend time together - going for meals out, with friends, or maybe a mini break?

Of course relationships will change with a child (I dont have one so guessing), but it sounds like, maybe, that your partner was shocked you felt that way, and didnt realise he had let the relationship slide, or you become unhappy.

I think it sounds like you could still possibly give the relationship another chance. I understand you dont want your child brought up in an unhappy household but surely it would be worse if you split up, realised you made a mistake, go back together . . . that would be more unsetteling.

Could you try councelling, so you can explain to your partner what you feel is missing?

Good luck

sarmia

This is both our biggest relationship and in the past I did get hobbies (gym, walking just simple things like that), but they caused arguements so it stopped.

When I am on my own or at work I am happy but when I get home I just feel depressed.

mumslave

sarmia wrote: »

My partner and I have been together for 9 years and have a young boy. First things were great but over time things have started to fizzle out and for the past 12-18 months my feelings have totally gone. I have bottled this up for so long and about 6 weeks ago it all came to ahead and I told him I didnt love him.

I dont do much, I spend 99% of my time at home looking after our son (which I enjoy), and i feel trapped and that I have no life.
I really do not think in a couple of months this will change as I feel so down with the relationship. He is a great bloke but I look at him like a friend. He didnt see it coming as he was always busy doing his stuff and I think that this has caused me to resent him a little. I feel bad for my son (3).

I think I should go, but am scared. I do not want to bring my son up in a household which continues to argue or to split up when he starts school.

What would you do? I am so confused and dont really have anyone to talk too.

What would I do? I would sort myself out. Sorry, I dont mean to be harsh but your op suggests you are simply bored with life. Its natural to have spells in relationships where you may feel distant etc, you work at it to get through it. Only just a few months ago I was sat one day, thinking gad is this it for me...nappies, housework, husband more interested in the tv than me...but I got over it, talked with hubs about how i was feeling. A quote I read somewhere alwys comes to mind on days like that...learning to want what you have is the key to contentment. Your son is three, he wont be three forever, just now your world is him, but soon there will be school and plenty of time for more of a life....with your oh still in it maybe?

amalis

No ne can make you happy except youself. Happiness goes from inside and I dont think that if you would move out you would be more happier. First you have to sort your internal problems and to fill that holes in your soull. Do not expect you partner or anyone else to do it for yourslef.

sarmia

I just feel I cant give him what he wants or deserve.