How to help a delusional friend?

Mirtos

Paisley wrote:

Will he get in trouble for putting money from the business account into his personal one and not paying a penny in tax?

Not as long as his accounts are properly filed with the tax man and he pays the relevant tax bill.

skintchick

seven-day-weekend wrote:

Even though 25 may seem like mature to you, from my end of the spectrum (mid 50s) they are still very young, and one of the most true sayings is 'you can't put old heads on young shoulders'.

All you can do is advise (and then only if they want to listen); otherwise they will have to learn from their mistakes. (or not, as the case may be).

Speak for yourself!

At 25 I had been in full-time work in my chosen career for six years, owned my own house ON MY OWN for two years and was very sensible and mature.

25 is NOT young let alone very young as you put it, and saying it is only excuses people like this who want to remain permanent teenagers instead of growing up and getting on with life.

lady_fuschia

skintchick: Its great that you'd been in work and owned your house by 25, but remember that everyone is different- being a grown up isn't just about owning a house! I think the point was that in the grand scheme of things 25 is still quite young, you're still learning at that age (I'm 25 myself and I know I've got a lot to learn!) and mistakes and bad decisions are all part of that learning process.

I sound like I'm excusing this pair now! God knows I don't mean to- I think they're being totally ridiculous as well. I'm just trying to say that they should be free to make their own mistakes and I don't think anyone has the right to sit in judgement- critisize poor decidion making maybe, but not judge- if they had kids it would be a different issue, but as a friend and an adult Paisley can choose whether to get involved or not. I'd choose not.

tawnyowls

Paisley wrote:

They're like family to me. I don't feel I can totally ignore them over debt - on the offchance they do have that 'help me' moment I want to be there because everyone needs a shoulder.
Maybe I should do the final cut so to speak. I feel so harsh :S

Which is fine, and clearly you're a decent soul and they're lucky to have you as a friend. Unfortunately, you seem to be their friend and not getting a lot back out of this friendship - gotta be a least a bit of traffic going the other way! I honestly think you've done what you can - if they don't want to listen, then it's their problem. If they're in trouble later, I'm sure you'll do what you can to help (but don't, please, lovey, give them money!). In the meantime, however, they seem to be emotional vampires, and they're sucking you dry. Perhaps you should back off and let them contact you if they want to see you - don't be surprised though if that's not for quite a while. I did that with a close friend some time ago and it only recently hit me how much of the friendship originated with me; I was always the one to ring up, arrange to meet, etc., and now I've stopped doing that, she doesn't seem that keen to get in touch.

lynzpower

I do agree with Lady fuscia and tawnyowls here.

What is anyone getting out of this freindship. Well you cant see them making mistakes but at the end of the day its onoly YOUR perecption. Yes you want them to live in a nice place and do what you do, but they arnt biting. Whats the point of flogging this dead horse. If i was in thier position I wouldnt want to hang round with you, as and again, no offence, but you suggst that you do regularly point out thier failings. And they dont seem keen on taking your advice, for whatever reason.

Dr.Lou

I have to agree with most of the others here..At the end of the day it is thier money and thier lives and you just have to let them get on with it, regardless of how much it differs from your perception of an ideal life.

If you want to stay friends with them, I would meet on neutral territory (i.e. pub, cafe, park..wherever) let them pay thier own way and don't discuss finance or anything with them.

I have many friends and we all have different attitudes to life, finance etc, but it doesn't stop us being friends. Just avoid the topic!

Paisley_3

A lot of people on here must think all I do is go on at them about money. Far, far from it, I came on here because the two or three times I have, they've lied to me and gone even deeper into debt.

I do know that Apple computers, Richard Branson et al came from 'nothing'. But let's face it. The girlfriend has started an unlicenced wedding planning business when she is deeply in debt and by her own admittance has never actually been to a wedding or planned a party. She just thinks there is money in it.

Her boyfriend does not have an accountant or any 'books' and works cash in hand. With his student fees he owes around £30,000. He sells personal belongings on ebay to scrape by.

I don't rub what we have in their faces in fact I rarely talk about my own affairs. I don't want to force them to live somewhere swanky I simply don't want them to have to keep living in a place which has damp, rats and no washer. There is a foundation you need to start a business and debt and lies isn't it.

We can't meet anywhere 'neutral' as he insists on dragging us to a restaurant to 'prove' he's alright. He then dodges the bill by going to the loo or argues with his girlfriend about who's credit card it's going to go on. It breaks my heart. A walk and a chat would have been fine, his pride is getting the better of him.

I just want to say thanks for everyone who's replied with their points of view, I can assure you all I'm not a bad person, I'm not poking my nose in, I'm not being a snob, I just wanted to help. Maybe at 23 I am an exception to the rule and if so that's fine by me. But at 25 and in the state he is, turning more and more bitter, I will continue to ignore him because it tears me up to see someone do this to themselves so blindly. Why make yourself so unhappy on a whim? It's beyond me. A few weeks ago there was a job going at my place and I offered it to him. He declined 'I don't need a job - I work from home now!' and it went to another mate. I think that's the last time I'll ever try to help - he was so very rude.

Thankyou so much to you all. I've settled my worry and know that I tried my best.

Kevicho

I seriously think you are wasting your time worrying about their problems

Rule number in life is you cant force somebody to do something they wont like (unless its for money i suppose)

What you need to do is try and take an interest in what they want and use a little interest in how they are going to acheive there goals in the current state of affairs, which it sounds like they clearly arent going anywhere.

You are not going to be able to tell these people what to do, you should try a different approach and help them turn the lightbulb on themselves.

Hopefully if you try this approach then they may finally work out for themselves that they are in trouble.

Stop putting them down, you seem like you have your life in order, they may be dreamers and indeed heading towards oblivion,, on the other hand they could become a success but either way it is not your responsibility.

A true friend would support there ambitions and not try to force their own beleifs on someone

DrEvil_2

People have different attitudes to money and risk. It sounds like you clash with them over these values.
Obviously he is comfortable with taking risks (Inland Revenue is a good example).

Do what makes you happy. Life's too short. It sounds like you have absolutely no control over what they do. Let them get on with it.