Desperately need help

Desperatemum_2

I split with my ex 7 years ago and things were fine, he saw his daughter regularly and paid maintenance towards her each month too. 5 years ago he met someone else and had another child. This wasn't an issue at first as he still saw his daughter regularly and still paid me every month.

The problem started last year when he separated from his partner and told me he would have to reduce my payments in order to support his other daughter. Naturally I was annoyed at this so turned to CSA to support me. They did just that and as a result I still carried on getting my money. Turns out his ex didn't have a claim in herself so she didn't count. It now turns out that his other ex has put in a claim too and that's where I have a huge problem. While things have been good since November, my money is about to be cut and I find that very unfair.

Another problem I am having is when he actually sees our daughter. Before, he would have her on a weekend so I could go out with my friends but now he tells me he is working 2 jobs, including working all weekend so he can give money to his other child and can only see my child through the week. The money I will soon be getting doesn't cover babysitting costs so it means I can't see my friends as much. Again, this is very unfair because he can do whatever he wants at a weekend and I have to suffer.
I am so angry right now that I told him if he doesn't see his daughter on a weekend then he doesn't see her at all. I don't care that he is working because like I say, his other daughter is not my concern. I have a responsibility to my child and shouldn't be taking payment cuts just to suit him.

I wondered if anyone could offer me some advice on how I could get back to the amount of money I was getting from him before all this started. Without it I can consider my life almost over and my social life totally out of the window. I just feel like I'm about to lose my boyfriend because while he is out with friends on a weekend, I'm sat at home doing my ex's job and babysitting.

Is there really any justice out there because I certainly can't see any?

C_Mababejive

Its no consolation but its usually how the cookie crumbles.

It seems to be descending into a tit for tat operation. Your ex is miffed that you went to the CSA so he says he works 2 jobs so that you have to childmind more. You have to child mind more so you in turn threaten his access. What will be the next step i wonder??

If you and your new BF really have something going on..he will have factored in that you have a child and so should accommodate/assist accordingly. Maybe you should speak to him and see what his views are?

Either way..shelter the child from all this..both of you....great damage can be done when children are aware of such squabbles at an early age.

Blob

Agreed from experiance both my children as a result of the attitude of their mother now have very bad relationships with their mother, and as they are now coming to an age where it matters not what she may say or want they do their own thing. I have been told that she now ends up haveing to leave the house after she has had a run in with our daugher and both her and her current husband have after the battles between our them and our son! Is this what you want?

As for the money if he is paying support for 2 children it will follow that your money will drop as the amount has to be split between the 2 children, further if he has a third and then splits whit her it will drop again. Remember there is only so much money in the pot and both children have to be taken care of out of that pot.

shell_542

As much as it is annoying, you wanted to go to the CSA and he is following the rules. He's doing nothing wrong. Its one of those things that you have to get on with because no, therels no way around it unless he is willing and able to afford to pay you more. Your priority may be your child ... his are both his children and I would imagine your complaints that the drop of child support and change of contact days have wound you up because you can't afford to go out socialising with your boyfriend anymore at weekends may not go down well with him.

Its not like he has changed his contact days to spite you or to go out more himself, he is working! If he gave up his second job so he didn't need to change contact days, he'd earn less and you would get less child support again!

Perhaps its the way you've worded it, but I think its very unfair to threaten to cut all contact (which affects your child as well) just because you're annoyed your money has been cut (via the RULES of CSA) and he's had to alter his contact due to work. If he decided to go to court to get contact arranged, that would not go in your favour.

DX2

Any advice, yes I hope you are thick skinned because I predict you are going to get roasted alive for your post.

He has 2 children that he has to support regardless what you think about his other child, he is working two jobs because of this. I'm sure if he wasn't paying you wouldn't be happy. Also the threat about denying him access because it doesn't fit in with your schedule/nights out

Kimitatsu

I am going to put a warning out to you lovely people on this board that flaming this poster will not be tolerated whatever your views :mad: So far you have all been behaved and well spoken and as long as this continues this thread will remain open

OP - contact and maintenance are not linked therefore your ex will have every right to get a contact order for a time that he can fit around his working life. If he is working all weekend to support BOTH of his children I fail to see why you are so angry. Many PWC's on these boards would be pleased to get any sort of payment rather than worrying about getting their payments cut as it wont cover babysitting costs. I would also point out that your maintenance is for the maintenance of the child not to pay for you to go out with - I can already hear the sqeals of anguish from NRP's!

As has been said if your boyfriend wants the relationship to continue then he will have factored this in too, its one of those sticking points of any relationship I am afraid.

As this is your first post I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this is not a wind up, please read all posts carefully and think before you reply

Loopy_Girl

Desperatemum wrote: »

I split with my ex 7 years ago and things were fine, he saw his daughter regularly and paid maintenance towards her each month too. 5 years ago he met someone else and had another child. This wasn't an issue at first as he still saw his daughter regularly and still paid me every month.

The problem started last year when he separated from his partner and told me he would have to reduce my payments in order to support his other daughter. Naturally I was annoyed at this so turned to CSA to support me. They did just that and as a result I still carried on getting my money. Turns out his ex didn't have a claim in herself so she didn't count. It now turns out that his other ex has put in a claim too and that's where I have a huge problem. While things have been good since November, my money is about to be cut and I find that very unfair.

Another problem I am having is when he actually sees our daughter. Before, he would have her on a weekend so I could go out with my friends but now he tells me he is working 2 jobs, including working all weekend so he can give money to his other child and can only see my child through the week. The money I will soon be getting doesn't cover babysitting costs so it means I can't see my friends as much. Again, this is very unfair because he can do whatever he wants at a weekend and I have to suffer.
I am so angry right now that I told him if he doesn't see his daughter on a weekend then he doesn't see her at all. I don't care that he is working because like I say, his other daughter is not my concern. I have a responsibility to my child and shouldn't be taking payment cuts just to suit him.

I wondered if anyone could offer me some advice on how I could get back to the amount of money I was getting from him before all this started. Without it I can consider my life almost over and my social life totally out of the window. I just feel like I'm about to lose my boyfriend because while he is out with friends on a weekend, I'm sat at home doing my ex's job and babysitting.

Is there really any justice out there because I certainly can't see any?

OMG:eek: Have you read that back and realised how pathetic and childish you sound??. I can almost see you with your lip out and stamping your foot as you typed it....

You didn't like what he was suggesting was a reasonable offer to HAVE to cut your money as he had 2 children to support so you stormed away to the CSA and it's came back to bite you on the @rse - more fool you.

The bloody man is working all the hours god sends to support both the children he has reproduced and you are whimpering about nights out and being dumped by your b/f - would you rather he was a complete git and ignored his second child? It's all me me me...

Poor poor you NOT...this is what beinga lone parent is like and the man is trying to do his best and if your b/f wants to dump you cos you can't go out then he's probably not worth hanging onto sweetheart;)

And you don't 'babysit' your own children btw.



Just for the record I think this is a troll and someone is curiously wanting to see (or being a saddo) the PWC replies but here's my 2p worth anyway

kingfisherblue

Your ex sounds as though he is a far more honourable man than many NRPs. You may have a reduction in maintenance, as he also has to support his second child, but at least he is still trying to pay what he can afford towards both his children and not trying to avoid it.

He has also maintained good contact with your daughter and this has given you a chance to have a social life. If he is working weekends to pay for his children, this should be applauded.

You contradict yourself, though, saying that he is working weekends and then saying that he can do whatever he wants at weekends - he can't do whatever he wants if he is working.

Many PWCs do not have an ex who is interested in seeing their children - you are fortunate that your ex does. My ex has the kids for about six hours a week, but that is his choice. My kids are more important than a social life.


BTW, I have been very circumspect when posting as if I posted my opinion of you and the way you sound, it would be against the terms and conditions. Perhaps you should read other threads on this board and see how lucky you are.

Desperatemum_2

Ok, perhaps I was a little strong in my wording but I am really annoyed as well as worried. His other family are no concern of mine so why should I suffer because he has another child? I have another child and my boyfriend pays his share of the bills.

I went to CSA because I didn't believe he was being honest about what he was paying me and as it turned out I for the past few months they have been paying me a just a few £ less than he was originally but far more than when he split the money. Nobody saw an issue then otherwise the money would have stayed split so thats obviously not my fault if I was being paid what I was entitled to.

The people who say I should think of his other child, I ask why should I? His ex doesn't think about my other child. I may have been a little strong too about a social life but I work all week and the weekend was the only time I could really get out and let my hair down.

To loopy girl, I'm not happy about being called a troll. If you have an issue with me then thats perfectly well within your rights, but calling me names is something I'm not too happy about. There are a few unhappy people on here but I haven't resorted to calling them names.

My boyfriend is on the verge of being made redundant and unless he finds another job it means I have to support the family. I have a mortgage, a car to run and bills. I can't do all of that and support 2 children with the money I will be getting which is why I thought my ex would pay more to support me through these tough times.

The money he used to pay went some way to paying the bills. I offered to have my CSA case closed and go back to how things were but my ex said if I did that he would only pay the amount CSA would take off him and put any money into an account for when our daughter goes to uni. It's not then when I will need the money, but now so that would be no good.

Kimitatsu

Desperatemum wrote: »

Ok, perhaps I was a little strong in my wording but I am really annoyed as well as worried. His other family are no concern of mine so why should I suffer because he has another child? I have another child and my boyfriend pays his share of the bills.

Can I suggest that if your ex had said this then you would have been up in arms and rightly so? He is supporting BOTH of the children he has rather than avoiding his responsibilities, for that you should be thankful. You state you have another child so it is ok for you to have more children but not your ex? And as your boyfriend pays his share of the bills, I am puzzled as to why you feel that you should be getting more money from your ex to pay for your social life

I went to CSA because I didn't believe he was being honest about what he was paying me and as it turned out I for the past few months they have been paying me a just a few £ less than he was originally but far more than when he split the money. Nobody saw an issue then otherwise the money would have stayed split so thats obviously not my fault if I was being paid what I was entitled to.

You will still be paid what you are entitled to as the NRP has two children to support.

The people who say I should think of his other child, I ask why should I? His ex doesn't think about my other child. I may have been a little strong too about a social life but I work all week and the weekend was the only time I could really get out and let my hair down.

Welcome to the world of being a PWC :rolleyes: You have two children and so does he, what happens to child number 2 on the weekends you go out?


My boyfriend is on the verge of being made redundant and unless he finds another job it means I have to support the family. I have a mortgage, a car to run and bills. I can't do all of that and support 2 children with the money I will be getting which is why I thought my ex would pay more to support me through these tough times.

Why should your ex pay for your boyfriend to live in your house with both of your children whilst he is struggling to support both children? If you go onto www.entitledto.co.uk then you will be able to assess what help you could get in the form of benefits.

The money he used to pay went some way to paying the bills. I offered to have my CSA case closed and go back to how things were but my ex said if I did that he would only pay the amount CSA would take off him and put any money into an account for when our daughter goes to uni. It's not then when I will need the money, but now so that would be no good.

That is his choice - the CSA liability has been assessed and that is your entitlement. If you are lucky enough that he chooses to put some money aside to help your daughter later in her life then I would be grateful for that.

I realise that you are frustrated and things are stressful at the moment but your ex is being perfectly reasonable and has given you the correct information.

meltdown_point

Isnt the CSA money supposed to go to your childs needs?
I agree that your child needs food, shelter and clothing.......so does the other child! the other childs mother had to think of your child when she was juggling bills and making sure you got paid!! Your ex is paying you CM be grateful, some people get nothing...zilch....and he is trying his best!
Are you living beyond your means? Maybe you need to downgrade your house/car.....change electricity providers....find a job that pays more.....I dont know, what I do know is that your EX is paying what he should for his child/children!!

It may seem harsh......but we all have problems!!

He seems quite a good dad putting extra money into an account for his DD to go to uni!! Well Done him!!