Children going to funeral?

hennagirl

Squibbs sorry to hear about your loss.

My dad passed away a year ago and we took my children - 7 and 11 at the time. We did ask them first if they were okay with going and made sure that they understood that at any time if they feel overwhelmed, unsure etc that it is ok to say so.

At the funeral, all the grandchildren said a piece that they wrote themselves about special things they remembered about their grandad - it was a nice way for them to say goodbye. They all did splendidly and I was really proud of my two.

I am glad they went - it gave them some closure and also release of feelings.

On a more practical note, funerals can be scary things especially the first time - if as a child you have not been to one, that feeling goes into adulthood and clouds your view about what is a fact/part of life.

minerva_windsong

First off, I'm really sorry, that's awful news.

I was 13 when my grandad died, and I did go to his memorial service at church but my cousin (who was 10) and I had to sit in the car outside during the cremation. I remember that I didn't wear head to toe black - just black trousers and a smart blue V neck jumper with a white vest underneath it. I also went along when we scattered his ashes in the Mersey (he was from Liverpool and had been in the Merchant Navy).

I don't regret going, in a way it was good to say goodbye, but at the same time I'm not sure how I would have reacted to going to the cremation. I think it was a good compromise though as I don't have those 'sad' memories of him, but then again he wasn't ill for very long.

Ultimately I think it depends on the child and the type of service.

Mojisola

Paparika wrote: »

ds must of been about 11 when my nan died, and the decision was up to him.

I did explain that it would be a sad thing to go to, and said people will be crying but it was ok to cry.

He did go, and he coped well, i cried, he cried and we held on to each other, but after we went to the wake and he cheered up then when funny stories were told about nan.

I saw it as a learning curve, they get told about the facts of life, sex, babies etc, but not death, so this was a circle of life for him, he saw what happens...

I think he was glad to go, to say a final goodbye

These are the points I was going to make. The funeral will be sad and emotional but children need to learn that it's okay to feel sad and cry sometimes. When the family get together afterwards, the departed's life usually gets celebrated with happy memories and funny remembered moments. This is part of the healing that needs to happen after a death and the children will know they are part of a loving, caring family.

It's difficult to let them make the decision because, if they have never been to a funeral before, they don't really know what to decide.

Marcheline

I am sorry for your loss. I was brought up to think that children should go to funerals (and I have attended many in my 24 years) and my 2.5 year old daughter has already been to 2 funerals herself: the first was of a family friend when she was 16 months old, where we sat at the back and the second was that of her great grandad a month or so back and we were right at the front.

We attend Church weekly so she knows how to behave herself well during the service and we explain to her prior to the funeral as well as we can about people passing away etc. At her great grandad's burial, she threw some mud and a flower down into the grave along with the rest of the family. I know that people will think differently to me on this one though and although she is young, I feel that death should not be hidden away from her or children of any age.

I hope you find a solution you are happy with and my condolences once again.

LameWolf

Squibbs, I'm very sorry for your loss.

My Grandad died when I was 9, and I was not allowed to attend the funeral. Even now, 40 years later, I feel that I was cheated out of a chance to say goodbye to him.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Mrs_P_Pincher

My daughters were 5 and 11 when their Grandad died. Older one asked if she could go to the funeral and although MIL and SIL were against it, it was almost like something she needed to do. She was fine and I was glad I let her go. Her sister came up to join us for the wake afterwards.

I went to one funeral where all the grandchildren were there, up at the front by the coffin, showing everyone the pictures they had drawn for their Grandad and reading the poems they had written for him. I thought that was a bit weird myself, but they seemed to be OK with it.

I was 13 when my Grandad died and no-one asked me if I wanted to go to his funeral. Forty years later it still rankles.

Mrs P P

Kandipandi

Im so sorry for you loss x

My two children aged 10 and 14 are today attending their grandmothers funeral (my ex MIL). They recently attended their great-grandmothers funeral too, and they both handled it very well (better than I imagined).

Unfortunately death is certain and its such a big part of our lives, personally I believe that we should discuss it with our children and give them a chance to grieve too and deal with it in their own way.

I remember when I was 12 my darling cousin died - she was also 12! I was so devastated as I was close to her, and I was not allowed to go to the funeral, and I found that very distressing. I felt so left out and felt that my feelings didn't matter, I remember sobbing that I loved her too!

I understand its a hard call to make for a parent, but funerals I have been to whilst very sad, have often turned into a celebration of life. There is the sorrowful service, but afterwards the opportunity to discuss our loved one with people and remind each other of things they did and said.
I have always found this a big comfort, but I suppose it depends on your beliefs!

If they are not distressed at the thought of attending, I would encourage them to go, as they will probably deal with it better than you think. x

isitenough

I was 8 when my (paternal) grandad died - suddenly while asleep - and 10 when my (maternal) gran passed away - cancer, nursed by my mum at our home. I wasn't allowed to attend either funeral and I do regret that choice by my parents. I was simply told I wouldn't be going. End of. I don't know why I feel so strongly that I didn't go but I do. Even though I haven't been to funerals in my recent years that I should have gone too but didn't, it's those 2, in my younger years still affect me. No idea why.

I would let my own children decide now (12 and 9) after explaining why we have funerals for our loved ones. It can be important to say goodbye and it's not just for the 'present'.

mummy_Jay

My condolences on you loss.

I lost my favourite grandad just before my 3rd b-day, I wasn't allowed near the funeral or to say goodbye, he was also cremated so there is no grave to go to. Even now I feel like I was robbed I never got to say goodbye.

Now I've been to a few funerals over the past 10 yrs and I can see if may be hard for young children not knowing how to behave but I also see it as important to allow them to say goodbye. So is it possible to visit the body before the funeral with the children so they can say their good byes rather than attending it?

My uncle died last year so I had to explain death to my DS (4 at the time), once I explained my believes on death to him and that to me we will always be part of everything we have done. I showed him a glass prism and how sunlight passes through it and turns to a rainbow and told him that is what death does, it takes a human being and breaks them down into all the parts that made them, so they can become something new. I think its important to explain things in a non-scary way, I think

goingsenile

I think only you know your children however I do feel you need to let them say 'goodbye' somehow or other.
When my dad died ( I was 17) my younger cousin who was 9 at the time was not allowed by my aunt and uncle to go to the funeral and was sent to her friends for the day as if nothing was going on. She had been really close to my dad as we lived next door to them and while he had been ill she came in to see him everyday after school. To this day (she is now 28) she can not speak about him and will change the subject if we do. She has told me since that she really resents her parents not lettin her go espscially as other children simila age were there and it was 'her uncle'

Having had this experince when my husband died suddenly aged 32 I took our 2 year old daughter to the whole funeral (service and burial),. She didn't understand a lot about it but I always wanted her to know as she is growing up that she was there and I've kept information from it for her when she is older (now 5)

You have to make the best desisiton for your family, for me having my daughter there made it easier but they will not be the same for everyone

AJ