Children going to funeral?

squibbs25

Sadly my stepdad passed away on Tuesday although he was poorly it is a total shock as we did not expect it.

I now have the dilema of letting my children go to the funeral, i know ultimately it is mine and their dads decision, but i wonder what others have done in our situation.

Our dd is 7, but my main dilema is moreso about our ds who's nearly 12.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment as i feel they should go if that is their choice, although i was brought up that children do not attend funerals.
Hubby is of the opinion that they should not go, he also was brought up with the children dont go to funerals, in his case this is the first funeral he will attend.
He wants the children to have the happy memories of their grandad the last time they saw him in hospital (although poorly) laughing and joking and talking to them rather than the thought of them leaving grandad at the crem.
Ds is at a really impressionable age and i really dont know what to do for the best. I must add that emotionally i'm not sure if he would be able to handle it but i just dont know.
My youngest sister (his biological daughter) is unsure about her 2 children going and they are roughly the same age although i think in the end they will go (her ds will be 11 in Jan, while her dd is 7).
My eldest sister (his stepd dd) is allowing her youngest ds (also nearly 12) to attend, her other children are dd18 and ds21 who will definately go.

I dont believe there will be any other children present other than the grandchildren (if they go).

My stepdad's view is we are to protect our children therefore would not really want any of the children to attend but it doesnt stop us thinking they should be there, all the kids adored their grandad and by stopping them from going i feel is wrong.
My mum is happy for us to do whatever we feel is right regarding our own children.

Not sure if i have explained myself clearly as feeling very emotional at the moment.

Squibbs x

ginvzt

I went to all the funerals as a child and I was glad I did. It is a way to say goodbye to the loved ones. Have you thought about asking your children what they think? You can't hide the fact that there is funeral.

It is an emotional time and I think that children should be allowed to go as well. They have feelings too and they love their granddad. If it was in my family, children would be expected to attend.

Nomoneymummy_2

I was bought up with children not attending funerals, and although mine are a lot younger than your 2 I allow them to make a choice,

It does depend though on the situation, we recently attended the funeral of an uncle who had commited suicide, and I left the children well out of that one for obv reasons, and sadly my grandfather is now terminal and we have been told he will not last untill xmas, I will ask the eldest (6) if she wants to attend, little one will be dependant on eldests choice,

It allows them to fully understand, most funerals are a little sad but at the wakes people often reminice about better times allowing the children to see that its normal to be sad and move forward, mine go to church anyway so often hear about the passing of members and say a quite prayer.

I would ask the eldest, 12 is a good age for understanding, he will have seen your hurt and it may help to take him to one side, and say things are difficult at the min and I've been worrying over this, what do you think????

Shelldean

Squibbs

this is a tough call, as everyone will have varying options. Only you know how you feel your children will react.
When OH stepgrandad died my kids were 4, 7, 7 & 10 as they wasn't close we didn't let the youngest three go, but we gave DD the choice. We felt it might be better for her to attend a funeral of someone she wasn't close to first. However she declined.
Then F-i-L passed and the kids were now 7, 10, 10 & 13. They attended the church But I refused to let them attend the burial ( I felt they had no need to witness that part and we waited by the church while this happened)
Then my nan passed ( shebrought me up and the kids were very close to her) Kids now 9, 11, 11, & 14. All attended again. Tho slightly different to your situation, I made sure there was a family member to keep an eye on them as I wasn't sure I'd be capable ( Nans death very unexpected and sudden hit like ton of bricks) And OH was looking after me. I made sure their Aunt ( hubbys sis) was with them at all times.

Like I said everyone experiances will differ and I've given you my experiance to try and help you make you mind up

xx

Shelldean

Should add my grandad died when I was 11 and Nan didn't let me attend the funeral and while I do understand her reasons, it would have been nice to have had closure. This was the Nan and grandad that brought me up

PrincessPlaty

Firstly im so sorry for your loss.

My nan died when i was 6 exactly a month before christmas, 20 years on i can still remember the night vividly. I went to bed and said goodnight to my nan (she was staying at ours for the night) I woke in the morning and she had gone, my father then told me she had died in her sleep. She was only 68 with no health problems it was completly unexpected for everyone let alone a 6 year old.

I was closer to my nan than i was my own mother (she used to look after me whilst my mother worked) my parents decided it was best for me that i didnt go to the funeral and decided to send me to school that day instead.

I never actually entered the classroom that day, i walked to the bottom of the school field and sat behind a tree crying my eyes out until my next door neighbour walked past the school and saw me.

I still resent my parents to this day for not allowing me to say goodbye properly, im not sure if now 20 years on i will ever be able to forgive them for taking that away from me.

I would personally advise you to speak to your children and ask what they want to do, offer them alternative ways of saying goodbye so that it isnt just the funeral or nothing.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do xxx

Valli

Squibbs - my sincere condolences

It's such a difficult call. On the one hand you want to 'protect' children, on the other hand the children might well build it up, in their heads, to be a scary thing and think that that's why they couldn't go.

Personally I have never been to a burial and I think I would find that hard...a funeral at a crematorium isn't 'as awful' - but that's because I have experience of one and not the other IYSWIM.

If it were me I would let the children tell you whether they want to go and take it from there...if they do go then pre-warn them about the ceremony so that they know what to expect.

Mind you I rarely go to funerals in black, either, I just dress smartly. I was very proud of DD who accompanied me to my ex husband's uncle's funeral earlier this year (she's 13) DS declined (15).

This uncle was the younger brother of DD's grandmother and I know that the family, who had not thought to ask either of my kids to go, were pleased to see her there. (and me too TBH...but as I knew the uncle I wanted to pay my respects.)

Princessplaty - big hugs - it must still hurt. No consolation but they must have believed they were doing the right thing...and your experience convinces me that this is probably best decided by the child...

squibbs25

Thank you for your comments above, i have asked both the children their thoughts on this at first both were eager to attend, then when we expalined the reality of what happens, how everyone will be upset, dd got emotional and said she doesnt want to go while ds is so unsure, bless him he just doesnt know what to do. Half of me thinks he should go but i'm not sure if its for the 'right' reasons, while the other half wants to protect him and keep him away.
I dont know if emotionally he will be able to cope with the actual service and the reality of whats going on around him.
If he does attend there is the oportunity fo him to play the piano while eveyone enters the chapel (he's a fantastic pianist) and his grandad would be so very proud of him, but also thats a lot to ask of a child.
Ds will def provide some of the music as we can record him at home and have the music played via cd.

Thanks again for your replies............. still thinking.
Squibbs x

jane130

my dad passed away 6 years ago , like you he was ill and we knew it was coming but it was still a shock . we made the desision not to take my children ( then aged 7, 8 and 12) to the funeral for several reasons .

They didn;t really want to go ,my primary reason thoguh was becuase i wanted to be able to greive for my father in whatever way i needed to without worrying about looking after my children or upsetting them .

instead a month after the cremation we took the children and his ashes and scattered them in the sea off his favorite beach ( his wishes) had a nice day out , spent a lot of time laughing and talking about grandad .

I think it was the best way to handle it at the time , my childrne have no regrets about not being there and remember the day they said goodbye to grandad as one filled with laughter .


however now my grandfather is ill and its only a matter of time before he leaves us and i have already made the desision that all except my 5 year old will be attending the funeral .

flippin36

Sorry for your loss

I remember when my grandad died (I was around 10) I told my mum I didn't want to go to the funeral (never been to one before) but my grandma was horrified and said I had to go, she thought it was very disrespectful not to attend a funeral of a loved one. So..I went and it was such a frightening experience for me. It was all the grown ups crying that was really scary and upsetting for me. The cremation, watching a coffin go through the doors gave me nightmares for a long time. I was also asked if I wanted to view the body before the cremation :eek:. It really wasn't what my grandad would have wanted for me.

Even now I hate funerals, to a point I have slight panick attacks. I went to a funeral a few years ago of my aunt, who I had the greatest respect for. I knew I had to go just because it would have looked disrespectful if I didn't. I was shaking in church, just wanted to get out of there.

Some people find a funeral a way of saying goodbye, but they can be quite traumatic for others.

My advice would be to let your kids make the choice

SandC

I think you should ask the children what they want to do.

My dad and other relatives decided that my brother and I should not attend our mum's funeral when she passed away - I was 10 and he was 11. To this day I am unsure whether they did the right thing. In a way I wish I had been there. On the other hand I know they were only doing what they thought was right. I would not have and do not blame my dad for making that call. Maybe if they had asked I would have decided not to go anyway. I just don't know. My brother also feels that we should have been there but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

When my dad died this year we asked my nephew if he wanted to go or not and it was totally up to him. He decided not to - as he had done with the funeral of our uncle 2 years ago. He did go to the internment at the crem though (I wonder actually if that decision was based on him getting a whole day off school as well though ). He was 11 with his grandad and 9 with our uncle.

The grandchildren of same uncle all attended the funeral as their dad had asked them if they wished to.

I honestly don't think it would be too distressful for children - they are far more resilient than we give them credit for. There is always the issue though that if you as a parent are very upset that will cause them to be upset too, seeing their mum or dad sobbing or in distress rather than the actual funeral. You should take how you perceive other people to react at the funeral into consideration and bear in mind that if everyone is in severe shock as is the case in some bereavements, there won't be anyone there to look after the kids as they will be trying to keep themselves together. In that case, if you think it might be like that then enlist a good friend to keep them for the day or let them go to school as usual.