Help please. Feeling really fed up about how I look

Isklar

I've really let myself go in the past couple of years. I got divorced and I changed my job to start working from home and I think that's what's led to this now. The divorce was very difficult and my financial situation is that I'm now on a strict budget , I'm still single and working from home means I'm isolated and dont make the effort to get dressed and look nice.

I was looking at pics of me from only 5 years ago and I looked pretty good then. i used to always make an effort, get regular manis/pedis and waxing, had regular skincare routines dressed quite nicely etc. But that takes money and effort.
Now I've piled on 4st in weight, never get any exercise and just look horrible. I was going to write 'i dont care how I look anymore' but that's obviously not true or I wouldnt be writing this post.

I'm fed up being single and I need more friends too but I feel so bad about myself that I dont want to go out and socialise. And the thought of seeing anyone who used to know me 4/5 years ago fills me with dread that they will see how much I've let myself go.

Has anyone else ever felt like this and managed to turned it round, or does anyone have any advice for me? I dont know where to start. I've just lost a job so I'm coping on a part time salary till I can find another and I was struggling financially to start with so I really haven't got lots of money to spend.
Any inspriation?

(sorry the post is so long)

Bronnie

Hi Isklar and welcome to the board!!

There are lots of really helpful posters here and I'm sure you'll get some good suggestions. Lots of people will be able to empathise with elements of your situation.

My first and best suggestion is can you start to engage in some regular exercise?

My local council gym has just been refurbed and has fab facilities and a pool and offers excellent concessions for low incomes, unemployed etc. You can also get free personal training advice tailored to yourself and there are lots of different exercise options. Taking part in a class can be fun and sociable and there'll be lots of people there with the same goals as you, especially in the day time classes, I find!

It is amazing how starting on an exercise plan can help in so many different ways. A feeling of positivity that you are taking things in hand, improved strength and fitness, mood-enhancing and more.

Will pop back to your thread later!:)

Kandipandi

Why not start simple. Go get a shower and preen yourself, shave your legs, exfoliate, wash your hair and treat it to a deep conditioner.
Afterwards trim and polish your nails, put some makeup on and do your hair.
Even when you are working from home, and if you don't even expect to see another living soul all day get a shower, do your hair and put a bit of slap on. It is comfy sitting round in joggies all day, but it does nowt for the self esteem.

When you watch TV take notice of what women your age are wearing, is there someone you think always looks great. Can you carry off that look - and just because you are bigger than you used to be dont mean that you have to go round in a mumu or something elsaticated!! Im a big girl and i always make an effort to look nice and think i carry it off too (not good at modesty), accentuate your best bits (or least hated bits), might be your calves (get a good skirt) or lovely boobs (get em shoved up and out).
You dont have to spend a fortune either, get a look around the charity shops and supermarkets for some key items, I bet you have stuff that you can already get on with perhaps just need some accessories or shoes?
Try to pick some colours too, I imagine you are a friend of black/dark colours - get some mad red shoes or a bright blue top to lift your mood futher.
When you can afford it - get your hair cut, get someting different to your usual style to give you a new look.

Once you start making an effort and catch sight of yourself looking better you will start to feel better and will give off confidence. This might just be the first step to getting out there and tackling your weight issues and meeting new friends.
Look at whats inside too, if you are beautiful inside it wont take all that much to make you feel beautiful outside too.
Ohh and remember to smile - that will make you so much more pretty and approachable.
x

jenniewb

Isklar wrote: »

I've really let myself go in the past couple of years. I got divorced and I changed my job to start working from home and I think that's what's led to this now. The divorce was very difficult and my financial situation is that I'm now on a strict budget , I'm still single and working from home means I'm isolated and dont make the effort to get dressed and look nice.

I was looking at pics of me from only 5 years ago and I looked pretty good then. i used to always make an effort, get regular manis/pedis and waxing, had regular skincare routines dressed quite nicely etc. But that takes money and effort.
Now I've piled on 4st in weight, never get any exercise and just look horrible. I was going to write 'i dont care how I look anymore' but that's obviously not true or I wouldnt be writing this post.

I'm fed up being single and I need more friends too but I feel so bad about myself that I dont want to go out and socialise. And the thought of seeing anyone who used to know me 4/5 years ago fills me with dread that they will see how much I've let myself go.

Has anyone else ever felt like this and managed to turned it round, or does anyone have any advice for me? I dont know where to start. I've just lost a job so I'm coping on a part time salary till I can find another and I was struggling financially to start with so I really haven't got lots of money to spend.
Any inspriation?

(sorry the post is so long)

Don't worry about the post being long- bet you can't beat some of mine!!


I would start on your head- sounds odd, but it is inside that counts!
Work on magazines (NOT heat/closer or any of the !!!!!y ones!) but readable ones with some depth. Focus on picking up more incite, more information, more understanding. Up your self esteem through who you are, how you are rather then what you look like. All that comes second.
Have you thought about a college course/part time work/voluntary work? something that you can use to better yourself, watch yourself improve, learn that its all your doing, not because you have the "right" dress/hair/makeup or are the right weight?

When your feeling a bit better within yourself, then it can be a good time to start exercise, get a personal shopper, get a make-over. I find if I'm not feeling good in myself, no amount of clothes/hair/makeup/weight loss will come close enough.

I would say, after this, start on the gym before you go shopping (if it is the gym you chose). Exercise is a must for anyone. Everyone needs to do some form of exercise. It doesn't need to be pumping iron at a gym, but if thats what you feel makes a difference go for it. If you've never tried, get a free day pass, most of the chains: Virgin, LA Fitness, Fitness First, David Lloyd...etc will give you a free day pass, see if you can work out OK or if the 4 walls thing gets to you! Note that gyms also do classes which can be a good way to socialise with others in the same boat too. Running outside in the morning is another idea (just make sure you cover your ears in this temperature!). Walkers clubs, dancing clubs, yoga, see what works for you. The idea is that you have a raised heart rate for 20 minutes plus per day every day. This is the healthy minimum, anything above that (within reason) is a bonus.

When you feel that you've got your fitness under control, if you want to think about losing weight, I'd say get some advice from someone who is trained in nutrition and or weight loss. Ignore fad diets, they only work for the time that you are on them, for weight loss that stays off, you need to permanently change your diet. Workout what you can eat and stick to it, for life. The best way of doing that is to eat healthier and think about portion sizes- make sue they are not too big but also not too small- feeling hungry can put you off eating properly, make you feel like wanting to binge or just make the whole thing feel depressing and you soon lose faith and give up, probably gain more weight as a result. Also, try to get some moral support, weight loss groups, people who you exercise with, internet weight loss forums...the list goes on, but it does make such a difference then going it alone.

When you've hit what you feel is a healthy weight/happier weight, THEN go get the clothes/make over etc. This will be something you can aim for -whilst also not wasting you money- there is little point in getting a new wardrobe now when you plan to not be able to fit into it in a few months time! Remember the January/July and mid season sales. Get a personal stylist or shopper which is often free in most larger stores, everywhere from Debenhams to Topshop and on wards seem to offer the service, get some ideas, then buy everything in the sale. They are also great for tips.

For a make-up make over, once you have your dress style: what clothes and colours your wearing, go to a makeup counter, say you need help with a new look, go on a week day, mid morning (Monday to Wednesday 10am is normally a good time as the sales assistants are generally not as busy). Get some tips, ideas for new products, and a new look.

Hair cut wise, try to look for model appointments, if you are in London, there are a few academies around which will offer that, if not, maybe call around (phone) a few salons and ask if they ever need any hair models, explain you need a new style and are "open to anything", any salon worth their salt will not let you walk out the door looking like an alien- their reputation lies on you looking good!
Threading for eyebrows is great, you only really need to have it done once or twice a year as long as you keep up the in between months yourself with tweezers.
Mani-pedis are nice for feeling good, as long as you have someone else to cook, wash and clean for you! I think its better done by a girly night in TBH, save yourself up wards of £15!

GrammarGirl

My number 1 tip when you have no money but want to buy lots of pretty things to cheer yourself up - make a look book. Buy some glossy mags, cut out your favourite outfits/items/products and make a scrapbook, putting together elements to make an entire outfit. It's a really good way to work out the things you like, and when you're feeling a bit more flush you can hunt down a few key items and replicate the looks you've created on paper. I do this all the time and find it really helps me curb my spending.

Taking care of yourself and spending a bit of time preening could help - I always paint my nails in a bright, vibrant colour for an instant pick-me-up (Barry M is good for cheap colours). I also love Mudd face masks (99p) and The Body Shop body lotions (about £5 for a tub, but you can get cheaper versions in Boots).

Clothing - if you do feel you need to buy something new, you can do it cheaply and still look fab. First of all, have a wardrobe clearout. Anything you don't wear, pull out and sort into two piles - charity shop and eBay. Labels sell well on eBay so bear that in mind. Any money you make from doing this, use it to replenish your wardrobe with well chosen items that make you feel great.

I'm a huge believer in Primark, as long as you're clever about the things you choose. Jeans, cotton knits, accessories and boots from Primark will last more than one season if you go for classic styles and natural fibres. The perfect way to bring a simple outfit up to date is to add a pair of studded boots, a graphic t-shirt or a structured blazer. If you'd prefer to stay classic, team dark jeans with leather boots and a cardigan, then add a sparkly scarf or long necklace to give your outfit interest.

Whatever you do, whether you buy new things, ressurect the old or just change your beauty routine, do it for you, to make yourself happy. Don't do it for anyone else. As long as you're happy with who you are and how you look, you don't need to worry about anyone else.

Hope that helps. xx

lostinrates

Isklar, I can really empathise.

I gained weight for differnt reasons, and am lucky enough to still be in a good relationship with a guy who makes me feel sexy, but I get very down about it.

Exercise and diet alone will make you feel a little better...endorphins are wonderful things, but in the mean time take care of what you have.

Being clean, well turned out, fragranced isn't so expensive and will make a dramtic difference.

Manis/pedis can be done at home, it might not feel as luxurious, but it will look good. For me having shaven legs etc is a must. A razor is hardly as indulgent as waxing at a salon, but its cheap AND had the benefit of encouraging us to moisturise. A razor in the bath/shower and a daily nice smelling body moisturiser s a huge boost to the feelings.

re weight. Before I gained a lot of weight, I was really very, very slim. Something I noticed was I got chatted up way more at a size 14/16 (which is too heavy for me, I'm a bout five and a half feet tall) than I did at a size 8/10. Within reason, I think we worry a bit more about this than men do.

Now, I'm not going to lie and say I wake up in the morning look at my overweight body and think ''yippee'' but i do have reasonable self esteem and I make an effort.

I post regularly on the ''what are you wearing today '' thread here, because, like you I have noone daily to ''answer'' to for my apearance, as DH works away and I don't work. Why don't you join us for a while?

rainbow81

Hello Isklar

All the suggestions above are good but for me (and I'm reasonably happy most of the time) a lot of them seem like too much effort. But then I've never really been a girly girl. I would say if you are feeling overwhelmed then start small. Really small. Maybe dye your hair (£5 from Boots) or paint your toenails if that seems too much. I know lots of people will think that waiting 20 minutes for your hair to change colour is easy, no bother, but if you're feeling down then almost anything seems like a mountain.

If I was to make one rule it would be to get out of the house everyday, come rain or shine. Even if it's just to the corner shop and back. It will at least get you out of slippers, and work up from there.

Also, and I don't think it matters if housework is your problem or not, but in times of need I have found Flylady.net to be a source of inspiration. She is like your own cheerleader. I don't know if you've come across her site? I think there is a group on here that follow her. Anyway, she advocates babysteps in everything and has got me out of my tracksuit and into pretty dresses on more than one occasion.

Hope you find some advice on here helpful.

R x

Bitsy_Beans

I've enjoyed reading the replies. I need a massive kick up the butt about making myself feel good. Some good tips for me there so thank you Isklar for starting the thread

Bronnie

One of the things I've learned from the fashion chat thread is that charity shops are a wonderful source of bargain outfits. I manage a couple of hours pottering around them each week. Sometimes I buy, sometimes not.

I'm quite fussy and will only buy stuff in excellent condition, I always try-on and if in doubt I don't bother, but I've had some fab bargains like a brand new Oasis cream trench mac for £7 which I can throw on over anything and instantly feel dressed up and my recent bargain a brand new pair of purple suede Diesel shoes for £4.50. I'd never have bought these full price as I could never justify the cost. Getting things at this price makes me more adventurous with what I wear too!

Well worth a look! Have a look round a few of them, some are old-fashioned and a bit jumbly.....but you can strike lucky with amazing 'finds', others are slicker and more professionally run, but they've usually sussed the 'finds' and priced them accordingly (stilll a bargain though!).

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I would suggest...(and this is a general, for anyone who has lost their motivation)...that you look at the following list and see whether something seems manageable. If you can do that, maybe see after a week or so if you feel ready for the next step, and so on...

I have used Aldi products, as that was the site I was looking at earlier, no other reason.

1. Have a shower everyday, if you don't already. The warmth lifts your spirits, and gets your body and mind up and ready for the day (or marks the end of the day). Clean hair, even if tied back in a ponytail, together with clean body, makes everyone feel better. Use basics products and you could do this for pennies each day for a month. Shower gel - 49p, Shampoo/Conditioner - 59p. A little squirt of deodorant/antiperspirant (86p) guarantees that you will feel fresh all day.

2. Keep your nails manageable, but neat. If you can stretch to it, Aldi polish in French Manicure is only £2 and is far better quality than Rimmel. A lovely pale pink, which doesn't notice too much if it could do with retouching. Doing the same to your toenails adds an extra bit of 'special', even if you only see them when you poke your toes out from under the duvet.

3. Defuzz. If you can't stretch to £50 for a whole body wax, then shave. If you're in the shower daily, it's not too much to add it on every couple of days. You will feel fresher and cleaner. (razor system £1.89)

4. Moisturiser/cleanser, etc. If you can't be doing with the mega expensive faff, get a bottle of baby lotion or emollient cream. It does both jobs. Take it off with a warm damp flannel. And you could use it to shave with if your skin doesn't like shaving with soap. (chemist/superdrug under £3)

5. Clean clothes every day. Really, they need to be ironed. Yes, another blimmin' job, but it's nicer to put on an ironed T shirt and joggers than some that resemble the twists of newspaper that Nanny would use to light the range. It doesn't matter if they're Primark or Evans, as long as they are clean and ironed. It also helps to fill in a bit of a long lonely evening when you could be hitting the Mini Cheddars megatub.

NB - if a T shirt has a stain on it that hasn't come out on the 3rd try, CHUCK IT! Others will disagree, but if you know you're wearing a T shirt with clear forensic evidence of last Tuesday's pizza on it, you won't feel as good.

6. As someone else has said, go out - EVERY DAY. Trust me. It matters. A walk round the block when you take the bin bags out on your day off is better than nothing. After all, if you started at number 1, you are clean, fresh, tidy and awake by this point. Who knows, a lovely bloke could have moved in down the road by now...

7. If you feel able to afford it, get fitted properly and chuck out all your grey, saggy and nasty underwear and socks. Don't keep it for time of the month, just use darker new ones for that. Again, a fresh clean body deserves nice clothes, and cheap but pretty ones are perfectly fine if you hope to be replacing them again soon. A wardrobe full of thin clothes is depressing, you need to feel good as you are now first.


8. Get your eyebrows done. It's about a fiver for threading and it transforms your face. And a fiver to sit back and hand over the work to someone else seems a fairly good deal to me - it could last over a month, so it only works out as about £1.20 a week.

9. Makeup. Perhaps a fairly natural look if you're out of practice? Black mascara - ALDI -£2.59, beige/taupe eyeshadow £1.99 - pale pink lipgloss - ALDI - £1.99.

10. Now - you may be feeling more like getting yourself up and out. You know you are clean, fresh and well presented. It might not seem so daunting to try exercise now - swimming, aqua aerobics, the gym, whatever, as hopefully you've been walking round the block every day (the daylight really helps). Just do something that sounds like it could be fun - a salsa class, bellydancing, morris dancing, whatever. They also involve other people, which you sound in need of.

Whatever you do with your old friends, anyone new will like you as you are now, not a memory of how you used to be.

11. If you feel ready: Think about what you eat. Do you like fresh veg and fruit but gave up as it was too much hassle? Do you drink Cola when you would be happy with fizzy mineral water? Or could you swap out the most calorific/low nutrient foods for equivalents made with fresh mince (eg burgers) and lots of veg? A lack of vitamins could also get you feeling down, as could anaemia.

Just a bit at a time, that's all it takes.

And yes, I was a mess. An ex believed makeup and shaving to be the mark of the harlot (and vegetables to be an affront to his masculinity, so all the money went on cakes and cheese sandwiches).

It took a long time to get out of it. But I'm glad I did, and I think I look halfway decent 98% of the time. The other 2% is saved for influenza and other such unpleasantries.

You can do it, and please let us know how you get on!

Bronnie

Jojo, you've nailed it!! Fab post:T