Aggressive behaviour from DS

beckseven

Thanks-I know I need to be a bit more definite in my actions but tbh at the moment I feel like i am struggling! The thing is he never wants to leave anywhere-park, mums and tots, friends house etc and that is when the aggressiveness happens outside the house-when i am trying to remove him from somewhere! I just have the feeling at the moment that nothing goes smoothly-something always goes wrong in the day and I feel stressed

mrcow

Do not feel embarrassed at all.

If you are worried about what other parents think, then don't be fooled.......we've all seen it/been through it before! They are probably just pleased that it's not them!

I always adopt a counting process (I never usually get to two). Never shout - but talk like you absolutely mean business. I can tell you now that your son would never dream of hitting or kicking me - even on a bad day - once you've found your voice of authority - you'll never lose it and it does work. Even when they are older.

Always explain what you are doing ie. You have until I count to three to calm down/apologise/pick that up/stop that (or whatever result I want) or I will eg. stick you in the car right now without your shoes on/take your car/toy away/ we will go home right now and you won't be coming back next week/you won't be going to Nan's today/ there will be no swimming tomorrow etc.

If he's laughing at your punishments, then you are implementing the wrong punishments. A punishment has to mean something. If he plays you up at Tots, then he doesn't go back the next week. Why go? It's only stressful and embarrssing for you. Why whould he get treats when he so blatently misbehaves? Ask him why he thinks he should be able to go.

And when you are not there the next week - remind him - we should be at Tots right now - but we are not there - why not? Because you hit Mummy and that was naughty. I can tell you now, he will remember and he will remember why.

I'd also make it clear before you go.......we are going to Tots today. If you scream or shout or even think about punching me, we will not be going back next week. If you lay a finger on your sister, we won't be going back.

The punishment needs to be fair......but also relevent. And always, always always......teach him - every action has a consequence.

If you are not consistent - then he'll know you don't mean business.

If he punches - there is a punishment
If he screams and shouts or tries to embarrass you - there is a consequence (and my children learned at anearly age that I can be more embarrassing to them they they ever could to me).

I know I'm tough, but I also like to think that I'm fair and the bottom line is, it works. My children know that life can be as fun (or as unfun) as they want it to be. If they behave, then we can all have fun. If they don't then they won't be.

You are right, punching is not acceptable. Neither is kicking or screaming and shouting when you don't get your own way. He's probably started playing up because he thinks he'll get away with it now your attention is split.

Pee

Mum used to say to me and my sister wait til I get you home. We can remember being good instantly hoping that she would forget and being scared going home, but can't actually ever remember what happened when we did get home - bed with no tea probably and no harm done.

Of course, this did leave me with assertiveness problems as an adult: being seen and not heard is good for a small child but not a professional adult!!!

Thank you for bringing the issue up.

mrcow

cobbingstones wrote: »

There is no need at all to feel embarrassed or think your a bad mum! I have found that a warning quickly followed by removal works very well. It doesn't matter if you are half way through your shopping, at a kids club etc you warn, then remove the child to the car until he is calm. If you feel he could be given a chance to continue with his activity etc then do so but make sure if he carries on then back to the car and off to home. You MUST carry out what you promise or you will have a confused child.

Good luck most of us have been there to!!

Thank you! You said in five lines what took me about ten paragraphs!

Where loads of people go wrong is that they are too frightened to see their threatened punishment through. They don't want to remove their child from the situation as it's somehow(?) easier not too.
What does the child learn? - that if I'm naughty, there is no consequence.

Never be afraid to walk out of anywhere. Never be afraid to not go somewhere as a punishment. Never be afraid to stick to your guns - even if someone else is critical of your judgement (at the end of the day, it's none of their business).

beckseven

Thanks mrcow-that made me feel a lot better! I am going to really try to be firm without shouting or worse giving in. I think i have been feeling incredibly guilty about having to go back to work so have been giving in and am paying the price because he is a clever little soul who doesn't miss a trick! I need to work on my consistancy of parenting. It's so nice to get people's opinions and advice and it's great that people take the time to reply to threads. I really appreciate it

mrcow

beckseven wrote: »

Thanks-I know I need to be a bit more definite in my actions but tbh at the moment I feel like i am struggling! The thing is he never wants to leave anywhere-park, mums and tots, friends house etc and that is when the aggressiveness happens outside the house-when i am trying to remove him from somewhere! I just have the feeling at the moment that nothing goes smoothly-something always goes wrong in the day and I feel stressed

What about a carrot and stick approach.

If you show me how nicely you can get your shoes on and get into the car, then we will go to the park tomorrow.

Don't use phrases like "Five minutes and it's time to go." "Time to put your shoes on" "We've got to go/leave" etc they are stressful and have negative connotations.

Use phrases like "We've got to get back and make some playdoh/feed the diucks/help me make dinner" (or any other random activily you have planned for the afternoon). "If you show me how nicely you can put your shoes on, I'll let you chose the bread/colour/menu etc. Put a positive spin on it.

beckseven

Pee-My mum also used to say 'wait until you get home' and she would never ever forget to tell you off there! I remember as a horrible teenager being really rude to her at a big family meal and she said nothing but gave me such a look. We went back home and we all went to bed and I thought she'd forgotton until she burst into my room just as I was going to sleep saying 'if you ever ever embarass me in public again etc etc' She is the best mum ever but I knew to behave myself or else!

beckseven

'Don't use phrases like "Five minutes and it's time to go." "Time to put your shoes on" "We've got to go/leave" etc they are stressful and have negative connotations.'

These are exactly the phrases I have been using! I'm going to try the new ones!

wendym

Imagine that one day your partner comes home and announces that he is going to move his mistress in, but that he still loves you, and you will all live happily together.
I think that's how having a new baby arrive must feel to a toddler, and that although behaviour stemming from jealousy can't get out of hand (hurting a younger child, for example) sometimes the older child needs a bit of extra attention. And it's not always helpful to remind the older child how big and grown up he is, as he would often like to return to being your baby.
And arguing is a good developmental sign in a 3 to 4 year old (she said helpfully) but with luck distraction will still work at this age, also providing (fake) choices eg 'when we get home do you want to do some drawing or play with your cars first?'
And just in case I'm sounding as if I think it's easy, I left a VERY important service in our cathedral, with their father on display, with a rigid with fury 3 year old in my arms, and her 4 year old sister (sobbing cos she didn't want to leave). We had front row seats, and the walk to the exit seemed to be about a mile.

poppyolivia

beckseven wrote: »

'Don't use phrases like "Five minutes and it's time to go." "Time to put your shoes on" "We've got to go/leave" etc they are stressful and have negative connotations.'

These are exactly the phrases I have been using! I'm going to try the new ones!

It really depends on the child....I ALWAYS give the 'right kids, 5 more mins then time to go' speech, it works here perfect, if I didn't do it then it was time to go, they would be annoyed I stopped them half way through a game....

suppose it depends on the child (mine are 8 and 4)