insincere apologies - acceptable?

cakeordeath_2

To be honest with you, I think you should draw a line under this one. I know you overheard the girl !!!!!ing about you, but after two failed attempts to apologise, she was probably feeling pretty pee'd off. Now I know you felt her apology was insincere but this was probably 'cos she really believes she is correct and the person who's plate you suspect it was did nothing to put her straight. However she has attempted to put an end to the situation by apologising, so she has made the move to patch things up and apologising (especially when you think you're right) is not an easy thing to do, it usually means swallowing a fair bit of pride.

The idea of keeping your own set of crockery in your room sounds like a good idea for the future.

If changing your accomodation is not possible, I think you need to accept her apology and try not to hang on to the hurt and resentment you're obviously feeling.

I hope your health improves soon, it's really cr*ppy when you feel awful and then get people complaining about stupid things like plates when you really could do with their support.
You sound to me like you're suffering from stress what with your health and your workload, that's why you're able to relax when out with your chosen friends but all knotted up inside when you're with your flatmates. You need to find a way of helping yourself to relax when you start feeling the stress, then you might be better equipped to deal with any petty sniping from your flatmates.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

kindofagilr

cakeordeath wrote: »

To be honest with you, I think you should draw a line under this one. I know you overheard the girl !!!!!ing about you, but after two failed attempts to apologise, she was probably feeling pretty pee'd off. Now I know you felt her apology was insincere but this was probably 'cos she really believes she is correct and the person who's plate you suspect it was did nothing to put her straight. However she has attempted to put an end to the situation by apologising, so she has made the move to patch things up and apologising (especially when you think you're right) is not an easy thing to do, it usually means swallowing a fair bit of pride.

The idea of keeping your own set of crockery in your room sounds like a good idea for the future.

If changing your accomodation is not possible, I think you need to accept her apology and try not to hang on to the hurt and resentment you're obviously feeling.

I hope your health improves soon, it's really cr*ppy when you feel awful and then get people complaining about stupid things like plates when you really could do with their support.
You sound to me like you're suffering from stress what with your health and your workload, that's why you're able to relax when out with your chosen friends but all knotted up inside when you're with your flatmates. You need to find a way of helping yourself to relax when you start feeling the stress, then you might be better equipped to deal with any petty sniping from your flatmates.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

I agree

If I had apologised to someone's face and then written an apology and hadnt had an acceptance I would be well peed off (insincere or not)

Greener_Grass

I'd say stick it out, You don't have long left so look for the light at the end of the tunnel! Make up with her just for the sake of it and try to avoid her in future.

I'd say if anyone else puts any dishes outside your door that do not belong to you simply put them in the bin

msflowerfairy

Personally i think you should all grow up and learn to get along with one another.

Have a weekly meeting in the house where all grievances can be aired, whoever has hold of perhaps a big spoon has the floor and nobody can interupt. (to symbolise stirring)
If individuals do not attend then they have no excuse to have any issues within the house.

Having the right flat mates can be the most exciting part of uni life, and you all sound old before your time, you should be having a laugh, enjoying this period of your life, and save all of the crappy huffy times for when you are married with 4 kids LOL!

Please note this post is very tongue in cheek, apart from the first papragraph, i take no responsibility for any tears shed or feet stomped.

WolfSong2000

I've spent the last 3 years trying to be mature and get along with them - put aside petty grievances, etc, but recently something inside me has just snapped. They take advantage of my kindness and generosity and I'm sick of it. Removed all my plates/utensils, etc last week as they were getting damaged and no apology was forthcoming, and just now I *really* laid in to one flatmate...I'm one of these people who is calm 99% of the time, but that other one %...if you push me that far I kind of explode. And I exploded at her. Not proud of it, but anyhow...

To put it into context a friend banged on my door at 9:30am this morning and said that she's just called BT (I wanted to get the phone bill switched to her name as at the moment I pay all the bills), despite me giving her the letter a month ago - and they'd said that she couldn't switch and besides they'd need to do credit check and she'd failed credit check's in the past...the last bit is utter BS as I know for a fact she's better with money than I am, never been overdrawn, more money in bank, etc. Anyhow, contract with BT ran out today and if I hadn't called them to sort out a rolling contract they would have automatically put me in for another 12 month contract (will only be in this flat another 6 months). I was not best pleased...

It was also left to me to sort out broadband contract renewal as our first year had been really cheap, but they were doubling the price this year. Cue 2 hours of me on the phone arguing, being hung up on, etc (same thing happened last year but lasted 2 months) when I should have been preparing for class.

Put a note up for flatmates explaining situation, options (e.g. switching to another provider) and asked them each for a £2 contribution to cover my time...may seem excessive, but the hours I spent sorting these things really add up, and they take advantage of it and just leave it all to me to sort, so they get all of the benefits and none of the stress. I just want to make them realize that my time is worth something and make them realize the amount of effort I go to for them. I currently pay both phone and internet and was the one who organised a free 32" TV for the flat. Never got thanks for any of it - just complaints about this that or the other.

Anyhow, one flat mate complained to me the minute I walked through the door about the £2 charge. I had explained on the note why I had requested it, and the amount of time I'd put in, but she wasn't comfortable paying for it. She said she still wants phone/internet, but why should she have to pay me to sort it? !!!!!!! If this had been a one off-then fair enough, but this has been going on for over a year...first time I had to spend hours of my own time sorting stuff out for everyone I never asked for a penny. Now I have (fingers crossed) managed to wrangle cheaper (not more expensive) broadband with 3 months free. Was going to pass on the free months to them and just ask for the £2 as saves them money, but they're still complaining?

Anyhow, I went off on one (very unlike me), and she tried to say she was stressed as well...that girl doesn't know the meaning of stress. On top of the general uni work which we all have, I have to deal with the phone/broadband, fit in doctor's appointments (I'm currently being tested for epilepsy), my dad's in the hospital and I'm falling behind in one of my courses. So yeah, I'm stressed.

I feel like a bit of a b*tch (okay, a total b*tch) as the flatmate did try and apologise, and gave me the £2 (was a sincere apology), but at this point I was still so frickin' mad at her...will go and apologise later when I've had a chance to calm down a bit. Am still seething. I guess it's more the principle of the thing, and the continual feeling I'm being taken advantage of. I've dealt with it for years, but just cannot do it any more.

Artytarty

then dont do it Wolfsong!
Let it all fall apart and see what happens then . It may be the only way for you to get recognition for all the effort you have put in! They are like children they'll never learn for themselves for as long as you keep on doing it all for them.
I'd just be counting down the weeks till you can leave if it were me.
Might be a plan next time to start off as you mean to go on. A house meeting with all the necessary tasks and who will be responsible for them allocated fairly.

thorsoak

If you are the person named on the lease, and the others are people you have asked to join you in the flat - why not ask them all to leave - if not at the end of the Christmas term, then the Easter term? However you will then have the hassle of interviewing/settling in new tenants - is it worth it?

Treat them as one would treat annoying workmates - you don't have to spend 24/7 with them, just be civil when you pass - and leave it at that!

RadoJo

Hi Wolfsong - I have been following your posts on here and was hoping that things with your flatmates had resolved themselves, but it sounds as though things are still spiralling!

With regards to the insincere apology - I don't think you have to accept it, but once your flatmate had written the note, I think leaving if a few days was maybe a bit much. I understand that you were annoyed with her attitude, but from her POV she was just mistaken in thinking the dirty plate was yours. In this case, I think it's perhaps the length of time you allowed it to go on for that's the trouble. I can appreciate that it might not have been the top of your priority list, but you knew that you were planning on addressing it - she may have felt as though there would never be a resolution and that's what lead to the conversation with the other housemate which you overheard. I think you do need to draw a line under this and make a note to try not to let issues like this fester for any longer than necessary.

With regard to the bills - I think you're making a rod for your own back by renewing the shared BT line which has lead to so many problems. Is cancelling the contract an option?

The broadband is another matter - I can see why you would feel as though they should contribute, but having to spend a long time sorting it out was not your flatmates' fault, nor was it their fault that you were doing it when you should have been preparing for class. Unless you had an agreement that they would reimburse you for your time I can see how they might feel a little aggrieved that you would charge them for this, but if they are prepared to pay then it does show that they value the efforts you make for them. Dealing with companies can be a real pain in the behind, but that's the case whether you're doing it for yourself or a house full of people, so try not to let your annoyance spill over into things that aren't necessarily related.

I think you might be winding yourself up a little by making assumptions about their situations - stress is a very subjective thing, and dismissing your flatmate's stress in comparison to yours is a dangerous road to go down. I can see from your posts that things are mounting up in your life, but that doesn't mean that your flatmate might not have sources of stress which you don't know about, or just react to stress differently. Similarly with your other flat mate and the credit check - it can be easy to make assumptions (as clearly your flatmates have about you!) so try not to fall into the trap of thinking that you know all there is to know about their personal circumstances as it won't do anything to enhance your relationship with them. Plus, if you convince yourself that they are making mountains out of molehills, it will make you more angry and annoyed, which isn't the ideal situation for anyone!

All in all, it sounds as though you have the right approach with keeping your distance and trying to avoid the situations which drive you up the wall, but it's obviously not in your nature to leave them high and dry with no phone or broadband. It's very nice of you to continue making the effort, but if it's getting you down, then don't put yourself through it - I'm sure your flatmates would manage to work things out themselves if there was no other option, and a calmer atmosphere would probably do you all good.

I hope that you manage to find some way to rub along with these girls until your course ends - of course if they were on here I'd be telling them to give you a break, but as it's you that's coming off worst, I hope you don't think that I'm not seeing it from your side by suggesting ways in which you might be able to make a change.
Good luck - hopefully one day you'll be able to look back on this period and remember good times rather than all the stress!

Chloepad1

Aww I can sympathise with you having been in a very similar situation.
For the relatively short amount of time you have remaining, can you grit, your teeth and stick this out until you graduate. In the final months of a course, you are going to need to focus totally on doing whatever it is that you need to do.
Rise above their petty !!!!!ing and general antisocial behaviour towards you, you need not continue any effort into spending time with these people, you have your own friends and life that doesnt involve them. Can you maybe give yourself a break at Christmas and spend some time with your family??

Running_Horse

You sound like a bunch of drama queens. Seriously.