OH in cloud cuckoo land

saintly_2

its me only that is in debt he doesnt have any at all , he works full time and gets paid between 280 - 350 a week (after tax) depending on a bonus. We will both be contributing £800 a month each to the house and wedding fund and then anything else will be our own and i can pay my debts and he has started to save for a car.

after the comments, im now panicking that he has mental issues. he acts like a normal guy maybe just bloody immature when it comes to these fantasies. Im really doubting my self now, we really do have a good relationship tho and then 1 every blue moon he comes up with an idea. he is completely normaly when it comes to everything else.

this business he wants to open is with a mate of his so they would both be liable, his mate who i have spoken to 2nite is the one who asked my OH to get involved in this business not the other way round but still peeved off that OH thinking about joining him.

ive spoken to OH just then and give him my views which he has took on board and come up with his own pros and cons and there was more cons heehee

im gonna have to find out now if he has any mental problems altho he hasnt displayed any in the years we have been together. oh god now thinking i shouldnt have started this thread as its made me more worried even tho i do apreciate all the advice, thanks x

flower24

I don't think he has mental problems hun, I think you'd have known that by now, just seems a bit immature maybe? He needs to be realistic and realise that some things he is better off just daydreaming about.

rosered1963

Hi Saintly - is it the dreams and plans that are the problem (don't see a mental health issue there - just a certain kind of personality type), or, if I have understood your original post correctly, that he has told you things that are not true, eg:

"talks with a company about a film he had written". You say later in the post that this was not the truth.

These are two separate problems. I would be more concerned as to why he appears to be telling you untruths (maybe to impress you?)

Honesty, trust and respect - these are what matter (apart from fancying the a*** of someone obviously!) I don't mean to be po-faced - just think - is he offering what you need? You can't change him. XX

mrcow

Playing devil's advocate here:

I don't get what the problem is.

He works full time.
He's not accrued any debts (just sharing yours) or problems.

And you're unhappy because he has dreams and ambitions and likes to talk about and indulge in them a little?

I think you sound very unsupportive.

The thought of spending the rest of my life with someone who would ridicule my dreams like that would be unbearable. In fact I'd run a mile from anyone who spoke about me the way you have.

As the poster above says, honesty, trust and respect are paramount in any relationship........you are displaying none of these things in what you've written so far in this thread (particularly on the respect front!).

Are you sure you want to be with this guy?

saintly_2

its the plans and fantasies i have the issues with, im bored of them and he needs to grow up and smell the coffee that he has responsabilities. he has written a film, a very good film but it wasnt a film company it was a film student that took an interest in it.

this is gonna sound cheesy but my oh is lovely, kind, sensitive, sexy as hell but maybe just extremely immature.

he talks about these plans and dreams and getting a better job as he said he wants to better himself so he can give us a good life, we will have a nice comfortable life, no kids unfortunately but hopefully happy.

I just want him to pack it in with the silliness, i just hope once he has bills to pay and responsabilities he may just forget all about them.

otherwise i may have to be up front with him and tel him to stop talkin bullsh*t.

zzzLazyDaisy

Take your time to REALLY get to know him before tying the knot.

Someone mentioned that he has a 'billy liar' mentality - but some people actually believe these flights of fantasy when they are talking about them - in other words, at the time, it is the truth as they see it. I am not talking about mental illness here, just a certain type of personality.

You have to be absolutely certain that you can live with this aspect of your OH's personality - especially if/when you have children, as it can be extremely difficult to teach children right from wrong, and about the importance of telling the truth, when Daddy can't tell fact from fiction

Edit: cross posted - sorry just read that you have no plans to have children, so my comments about that aren't relevant.

mrcow

But surely you should love the silliness?

Don't you love the fact that he wrote a film? I know someone who did and went on and on about it for years, talking to different people and eventually it went on to make a packet.

You just need the breaks.

How do you think anyone truely successful gets on?

I recommend you buy a copy of "Screw it, let's do it" by Richard Branson and have a little read (it's not a long book) and give a copy to your OH with a big kiss.

He is paying all the bills. He's not doing any harm. Goodness, don't wish his dreams away for him - he'll never forgive you if you do!

Doozergirl

You can kill his £80k business loan idea dead by telling him that you won't get to borrow £80k from a bank without something to secure it against; that means owning a house with enough equity in it to release £80k. You can only borrow small amounts without securing the loan against your own property. And the bank will expect you to be putting extra money in as well. You can't walk up to a Business Manager with the change in your pocket and expect to borrow £80k. Not even before the recession.

seven-day-weekend

And what is wrong with having dreams as long as you are not getting into debt or other trouble to accommodate them?

He will probably never be the 'pipe and slippers' bloke that you seem to want, accept him as he is and don't trample on his dreams. They are doing no harm.

You want him to 'wake up and smell the coffee'...and then do what exactly? Would your life together be any different if he gave up his dreams?

I have been married to a creative 'dreamer' for 38 years. He has been a wonderful husband and father, fun to be with, some of his dreams have come to fruition, others haven't but I'd hate him to be any different.

In fact we work well, we've always said that I help him keep his feet upon the ground and he helps me to see the stars.

Give the guy a chance.

Zazen999

Seriously; having dreams is one thing. If he wasn't working and blowing all his cash [and was in debt] because of it then i'd be worried; but I'm with Mr Cow on this one - creatives ARE dreamers - that's how they create. I wouldn't marry one myself - but have plenty of friends who are and that's just what they do. Deep down they know that 90% of their stuff won't come off but that doesn't stop them dreaming.

Wasn't this part of what first attracted you to him?