Breaking up/Money

pollyanna24

Me and my bf are thinking of splitting up. I just wanted some help on the whole how to separate finances situation.

Currently we have a mortgage and all bills etc.

I work full time, he stays at home to look after our one year old daughter.

When/if we split up, there are various options and I’m not sure what route to take.

Of course, I pay all the bills with some help from children/work tax credits. Bf contributes nothing.

I’m not sure what my options are.

Give up work, go and live with my parents and sell our house? Then bf would have to find work and somewhere to live.

Stay at work, pay bf to look after daughter while I’m at work? Both live in the house? Obv, I think we would find this very hard.

I’m not willing to give up my daughter at all. I have missed out on enough of her short life.

I’m just not sure how money would work etc.

littlemissmoney

One of you could stay living where you are (buy the other one out?), one get another place (rent?), have joint custody and both work part time (i.e. the days you don't have custody)? Neither of you would have to make any payments to the other then as everything would be shared.

On a happier note, have you tried relate?

pollyanna24

Thanks. I have thought about Relate. I've decided to give it till Xmas before I start making any big decisions. We are not really fighting as such, but he called off our wedding and has just turned into an emotionless shell. Apparently I pushed him away for 9 months after I had our child and he can't forget that and seems to be punishing me for it. Now I'm trying everything, but he's seems empty and can't be bothered with me.

Not sure either of us could buy the other out. My wages and credits we get literally just cover the bills for the three of us. He has "kinda" tried to get a part time job, but there doesn't seem to be much out there at the moment. I thought about cutting down on my days so I could see a bit more of my daughter, but I have the potential to earn more than he could, so that idea went out the window.

SandC

Apart you will probably find that you will both have to work full time, it's only really going to be an option for one of you not to work if he has custody of your daughter and is looking for council/LHA accommodation - he is obviously not in a position to buy you out.

Even that wouldn't be cut and dried.

I would perhaps seek advice from CAB and definitely consider Relate.

Michelin

Can you sell the house you are in now, share the proceeds and you and your daughter find somewhere else to buy/rent? Could you get a childminder for your daughther or nursery place so that you could still work full time? Not sure you should be paying him to have her as he is her dad and that doesn't seem right. Also presumably he will need to find work to support himself if you split up?

MrsTinks

First question - who will the child live with? That will decide a lot of things... will he fight you for custody?
If she lives with you what day care will you use? Him? Child minder? Nursery? Family? Look at the various costs and also look at what possible benefits/working tax credits etc you'd be entitled to to help pay for your daughters day care...
Decide if you can afford to stay in the house - if not offer for him to buy you out and if he can't then start the process of putting it up for sale.

You might find you being pro-active jump starts him into action when it comes to you as a couple...

pollyanna24

Oh gosh, I don't know what to do! All seems very complicated.

At the moment, I'm tempted to just pack all our stuff and run back to mum and dad and my old room. That's what they keep telling me to do (they are not v happy with bf at mo). And I'd be dragging my dog and cat along with us too!

And worry about the house at a later date. Sell it, I don't know.

scotty1971

you said he dosen't contribute nothing,but remember he does watch the child to let you go out too work fulltime,or you would have to pay a childminder or nursery for that if both of you worked,and that dosen't come cheap

**confuzzled**

just to throw a spanner in the works....could he have PND?!?! Its becoming more common/noticeable in men and if he doesn't work then he has more time to dwell on the things that have changed like your relationship/the immense responsibilty of a child etc Heres a link that'll give you a little more info or google it and I'm sure more will come up:)

couple more links below:

http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/index.php?id=2&cID=264

http://www.dad.info/health/your-health/post-natal-depression-dads/

whatever it is, I hope you manage to work it out:) x

kingkano

When you say he doesnt contribute at all, I hope he is receiving the child benefit payment? As the stay at home parent he needs to protect his future pension entitlements thru pension credit, which means he needs to be the received of the child benefit. (also I agree with a previous poster that calling what could be £600 worth of daily care nothing is a bit harsh)

You might want to broach the subject of custody. As he is the main carer if he decides to fight you for custody then he has a much better chance than normal of winning. It's not so cut and dried as 'baby goes to mother' if the father is the main carer these days. (Although sadly it is still heavily weighted towards mum's side)

Good luck and hope you manage to sort things. DOes he know you feel its time to give up? Might be worth mentioning to see if it jolts him back into grear a bit?

pinkshoes

As he is the main carer of the child, if there is a dispute over custody, then there's a high chance he could win.

Just a suggestion, but could your bf get a job working evenings, so that you can have some space from each other, and he can earn some money.

I would suggest relate, or could your parents look after child and the two of you have a weekend together, having fun, talking etc...? How long have the two of you been together?

Having a child is a HUGE thing, so maybe it's freaking him out? Maybe you could start with "I'm sorry I made you feel like I was pushing you away for 9 months..." You may not feel you've done anything wrong, but perhaps he sees it differently?

ps - your bf doesn't contribute nothing, he does the important role of looking after the child you both created!