Breaking up/Money

Minimum_Wage_2

hello pollyanne, it looks like you both know what your doing, why not sit down and talk with him, find out what he thinks. if you move out, will he be able to keep the place? if he moves out will you be able to keep the place and look after your child? the one thing that should count more than anything is your child and what would be best for your daughter

pollyanna24

Oh gosh, I knew somehow it would get turned around to "he does contribute blah, blah." I know he does. But I'm talking about our finances if and when we do split up and he doesn't contribute anything financially. That is what I meant.

The child is 12 months old. I was main carer for 8 months of those, so technically, I have still done it longer than him.

I don't actually want to break up, but I don't know how much longer we can go on. I've done the whole I'm sorry I pushed you away (I've now been diagnosed with PND), I've promised to try harder (and I do), but he is now the one that doesn't even bother trying. As long as he has his friends during the day, he doesn't even seem to bother with me at all.

And by the way, I do everything for her when we all get up in the morning, all the hard stuff, like dressing and breakie, and then as soon as I get in from work, I do everything for her, dinner, bath, book, bed (on top of cooking the dinner for the two of us).

And now the child benefit is not in his name. I was about to do it cos my mum (of all people) is worried about his pension, but we haven't done it yet. The actual money just goes into the joint account and helps with bills, food, etc.

We have been together 10 years and I think it's a waste if we throw it away, but at the same time, I am not willing to support him "financially" when he shows no kind of emotion or love towards me whatsoever. I do appreciate him being at home and he is a great father, but I can only keep going as a family as we are if there actually is a bit of love there. At the moment, it does just feel I am paying a housekeeper to look my child. I would rather quit work and do it myself. But if I felt I was coming home to a family unit, I would continue in the way we are now cos it makes more financial sense.

BitterAndTwisted

I think you should talk to your partner about going to Relate. If he's resistant to the idea you can go alone. Ten years and a young baby is a lot of history to put in jeopardy if there's a possibility of moving forward and making a happy future together. I wish you all the luck in the world

pollyanna24

Just an add on, kind of off topic, but not really if I do go down the splitting up route.

Two of my friends work two days a week, both rent privately (think their rents are similar to my mortgage), but I assume they get help from somewhere.

Both seem to be better off than me, they are both single mothers.

How do they cope? And why would I work 5 days a week when these women get by only working 2? These women seem to spend all day every day with my bf by the way.

BitterAndTwisted

They might SEEM better off to you now and they might be in the short-term but long-term you will have decades of solid work-history and experience behind you which they won't plus you will have paid off the mortgage and have a capital asset to do with as you wish and they will not. Or, worst-case scenario, they could be buying most of their lovely things on credit and may still be paying off these debts into old-age

pollyanna24

Thanks everyone.

Just had another "to do" with him over the telephone. I was asking him, does he not miss the cuddles etc. and stuff. And that can he see that he needs to do something as I feel that I have done everything I possibly can. He was really vague over the phone, so in the end I said, "She's still there in the room, isn't she?" one of these friends he spends all day with. And he was "yeah." He couldn't even be bothered to move out of the room to have a conversation with me. He is so cold and distant. I am actually cracking up trying to figure out what I can possibly do. The longer I stay with him, the more crazy I think I am going!

BitterAndTwisted

Talking about your relationship on the phone rather than face-to-face might not be the best way of going about getting an honest answer, especially if you're trying to get your partner to acknowledge that you feel you're doing and have done everything you can for the relationship and he hasn't. No-one likes to be told that others think they're failing in some respect, so the key here is to tread very, very gently.

galvanizersbaby

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Just an add on, kind of off topic, but not really if I do go down the splitting up route.

Two of my friends work two days a week, both rent privately (think their rents are similar to my mortgage), but I assume they get help from somewhere.

Both seem to be better off than me, they are both single mothers.

How do they cope? And why would I work 5 days a week when these women get by only working 2? These women seem to spend all day every day with my bf by the way.

Hi Pollyanna

Sorry to hear of your relationship problems - having a baby can sometimes place a big strain on a relationship and you need to keep communicating between you but I do know from personal experience that sometimes this isn't enough to save the relationship.

Re the bold highlighted - I would imagine that the mothers you are referring to claim some sort of benefits as single parents.
This would go towards their housing, bills etc....

If you and your B/F were to split up - whether you worked full time or part time you should be able to claim tax credits/entitled to benefits as a single parent if your DD is you are the parent with care.

If your B/F was the PWC in theory could do the same but since he is not currently working I am guessing he would be entitled to full benefits.

I am divorced from my children's father and we have a shared care arrangement for our children which works well for us (we both work full time)

I think if you are going to split up you need to sit down and discuss what care arrangements will be put in place for your DD between you.

If I were you I would consider putting your figures in to www.entitled.to.com to get an idea of what you would qualify for should you separate.

I think you should find that were you to set up on your own perhaps working part time to enable you to share the care for your daughter (I sense that this is what you would like) then this should be do able with WTC etc...

Good Luck

Pee

If he felt that you rejected him for the first nine months, by my calculation, that means that you have only been trying for three months.

This is the guy that you chose to father your child - can you remember the reasons why?

This scares me to death, because I want a baby with my boyfriend and I think, I would never reject or exclude him, he's a lot of the reason I want a child, a part of him, etc and yet I can't for a moment think that you and everyone else who splits up whilst children are so tiny thought any less of their partners...

You do sound really, really unhappy.

Running back to your parents will only reinforce their view of you as their little girl who isn't grown up and capable yet... bringing up a child with your parents will be interesting, do they have the same views as you on what children should eat, go to bed, behave like?

How will you or they feel when a few years down the line you are ready for another relationship and move out?

I think I'm being hard because I'm recovering from swine flu and right out of patience, so maybe I shouldn't have replied and I do wish you the very best whatever you decide to do. most of all, you deserve to be happy. I just don't think you can be happy until you decide what you want.