Confused

JammyDodger

Hi all, I am a reg here but using another name..

I am confused by my brothers behaviour. We are both in our 30's both married, he has two kids, I have three. We live in the same town, we aren't really close but get on well but only see each other 2/3 times a year. When we meet up we all have a good time.

At Christmas every year we have always bought small token pressies for the adults and spend roughly £10/£12 on the kids. We don't bother with Birthday presents for the adults but buy for the kids. My brother does exactly the same. We usually meet up the weekend before Christmas and have a meal and spend the evening together.

Last Christmas however we recieved nothing. Not even a card. We met up as usual and had a nice time as usual but when we parted ways we handed over a bag of presents and a card but nothing came back to us. My kids are old enough to have been confused by this. My son who has a Birthday in January recived no card or present likewise my daughter who is born in February. We have been in contact by phone, email, facebook fairly regularly but I haven't been able to bring myself to see them as I am so incredibly hurt. They asked us over for a BBQ a few weeks ago but I made excuses...

It's not the presents but the lack of ANY thought, not even cards.

I know for a fact they have no money worries and are more well off than us. They have been on holiday twice and bought a jet ski so money obviously isn't tight.

Now, my husband is telling me not to buy anything for them this year. Their children both have Birthdays this month and he is saying no way buy anything. This goes completely against my nature as I love to buy gifts, especially for the children. I just don't know what to do. I could cry I am so upset by this.

I'm sorry if I come across as petty when there are people starving in the world but it has been on my mind a lot, espcecally with Christmas coming up again. I feel like my brother and his wife are playing some sort of nasty game with me. I'm hoping just writing this down and getting it out there will help.

BlondeHeadOn

With Christmas coming up, it seems like a good time to check this out with your brother now. How about sending him a polite note or email, saying that you have noticed that they did not buy presents/cards for Xmas/birthdays this year, so is this their new policy? And if so, you had better do the same thing so as to make if fair for both sets of kids. If you focus on the fairness-to-the-kids aspect he can hardly complain.

You may find that he has just relied on his wife to do this, and she has forgotten or decided not to for some reason.

At least he will be forced to reply to your note, and you will find out what's going on.

Good luck, and let us know what happens...

springclean

initially, i though 'what a dilemna', but then i rethought it. if you love to give your nieces/nephews gifts, then do it. don't give to receive (whether on behalf of your kids or not), but give because you want to. i always think that a kind heart is always rewarded in one way or another (and i'm an atheist btw, so no religious undertones).

Susan_Frost

Either

Ring - so you can have a proper conversation and nothing can be "read wrongly" in and email, and speak to your brother. Just check out with him how they would like to handle the presents situation for the kids. Then, depending on how the conversation goes, may depend on what you may say about missing birthdays, etc.

OR

Just do as you normally do, and see what happens. If they still dont buy presents then, in the New Year, have a conversation with brother to, again, see how they would like to handle things.

It does seem very strange though. If arrangements are to change then it is best to be upfront about it. But some people just dont seem able to do that and maybe brother is one of those.

Good luck

carolan78

I would continue as I always have and ignore it, if they choose for whatever reason not to give gifts then that is their problem. I would however speak to him if you don't even get a card, theres no excuse for that imo. Don't bring gifts into the equation but let him know you are hurt by the lack of thought on the card front xx

pinkshoes

Some people just can't be bothered with cards and presents! Perhaps he's decided it's just not his thing?

I would just carry on as normal, send his kids cards and get them presents, and go to the BBQ!

Perhaps in passing conversation ask him if your kids have done anything to offend him, as they were a bit upset at not getting a card. Whatever his reply, just laugh it off.

RoxieW

I had this a few months ago - I was so hurt that my friend hadnt got me a card or present on my birthday - nor my son. Like you said its the lack of thought - not the gift itself. My OH said dont buy her son anything for his bday but I just couldnt do it. I'd have been ashamed of myself if I'd retaliated and not given a gift. I've never had it out with her though as i was afraid of seeming petty or money grabbing but I understand your feelings as I was really hurt and upset by it.

Zazen999

It's not the kids fault that they have ignorant parents. Get the kids pressies and just continue as normal. They should be ashamed - how can people not get their nieces and nephews a present? Tightwads.

jackomdj

I would deal with it a bit differently. I would call & say you are cutting back & does he mind if you both just do childrens presents from now on! He may say that they are not doing any or he may say it's a good idea & start getting yours something again!

maggied_2

Is it possible that his wife's family only buy presents up to a certain age? Obviously don't know your kids' ages.

It does seem very strange though - I would carry on buying for his children but I would definitely have to say something if it were me!

It doesn't have to be confrontational but this is a good time of the year to raise the issue. Could you just say "I'm just sorting out Christmas presents, I'm thinking of spending £X is there anything your kids want" and then go into it from there?

I would be bothered by this too - just because it's not on a global scale doesn't mean it can't upset you.

Good luck x

Skye_Dancer

I would have a chat with him, as someone above said it isn't the childrens fault so it would be unfair to take it out on them.
But it's only fair that you know where you stand too.

I hope you work it out soon.