He might want another baby but I don't

gorgeous_gwen

After some objective advice please!

I am very sure that I don't want to have any more children. I have a DS who is in primary school from a previous relationship and a little baby with my boyfriend.

I feel I am at a point in my life where I want to look forwards, to nurturing the family I have and look at training for a career. I don't work at the moment and find things quite a handful as they are with two kids, enjoyable but hard work! I am very much enjoying spending time at home with baby, however I don't want to go through another pregnancy and looking after another baby in the future, I feel two is right for me.

My dilemma is twofold. Me and my boyf have been discussing using a regular form of contraception as we have been using condoms but both feel we would prefer to look at alternatives. I am quite adamant there are methods I don't want to use (hormonal methods and copper coil) and condoms just don't really work for us.

I really don't want to have an 'accident' and end up with the prospect of a baby. This is what has happened previously and whilst that was fine at the time, I feel quite strongly this is not something I am prepared to deal with again, and so broached the subject of boyf getting the 'snip'.

He is completely against it. He won't consider it and as well as me being quite upset (although I understand he is very protective of his bits and his reasonings why!) it has brought up the issue that for him, one child may not be enough and he may want another in the future (but definitely not now.)

I feel quite confused. For him this is not a pressing issue right now, we are happy as we are, but I am so worried that at some point in the future (I am 30 and he will be soon) he will decide he wants another and I don't.

I love him and see our future together but I'm not quite sure how to deal with this one. I am aware that I could potentially be taking away his chance to have more children if he chose to stay with me but I can't deal with having any more and feel selfish in this context.

I need to deal with contraception in the shorter term whatever but as for the rest of it, I just don't know how I go about handling it!

richardw

Men will have the snip when they are ready, you can't push them into it.
Did you discuss children when you got seriously involved with each other?

Janepig

You've said you're "quite adamant" that there's methods you don't want to use, so surely it's no surprise that there's methods he's not too keen on either!! I think perhaps you're putting the cart before the horse imo. This is a situation that may or may not rise in afew years, but for now you need to deal with simply the issue of contraception - maybe both go along to your local family planning clinic and see what they have to offer.

Jxx

mumslave

I do understand your concerns. Husband and I were pretty adament we didnt want any more after our son was born last year. However I do not cope well with hormonal birth control and he used condoms, but after a rather drunken irresponsible night, we managed to conceive another baby. I will never forget how horrified I was to see that blue line, I must have cried on and off for around a week. We both kept saying we should terminate, but both knew we were to blame, supposedly adults and in the end, after a lot of heart ache, we decided we would keep the baby. I lost it a week later to a miscarriage and ended up absolutely devastated and blamed myself because I had initially been so horrified. I wouldnt wish a time like that for anyone so i can understand just how important it will be for you to make sure you dont fall pregnant when you dont want anymore.

I think in this case, as you feel so strongly that you dont want anymore, that you are going to have to try to find some sort of contraception to suit you. As a previous poster has said, you cant push a man into having the snip. Could you make an appointment with your GP and explain whats going on, get some medical advice on all the options available to you?

I think you are going to have to sit down with your BF and have a serious discussion about all this too, you are both going to need to know where you stand before making any further decisions.

alm721

TBH if I were you I would be sterilised myself. I know its easier etc for a man to have the snip but you can't push him into it and at leaset that way you have piece of mind.

gorgeous_gwen

We were committed, if you like, for a while then our baby was a happy accident and things stepped up a gear.

I know he finds day to day living quite hectic, even more so with baby, and many a time he has said about how he didn't want any more. As I started to discuss more permanent methods of contraception, I explained how strongly I felt, and from the comments he'd made thought he felt the same, until he said that he didn't want any more right now but might do in the future.

mumslave

Perhaps he just isnt keen on the idea of the snip, but not for child reasons, just the thought of it! I know my husband is certainly not relishing going for his after our son arrives in feb. He definitely doesnt want anymore, but that doesnt mean he is happy for his bits to be messed with lol! Would you consider steralisation? What does your BF think about that?

Janepig

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

We were committed, if you like, for a while then our baby was a happy accident and things stepped up a gear.

I know he finds day to day living quite hectic, even more so with baby, and many a time he has said about how he didn't want any more. As I started to discuss more permanent methods of contraception, I explained how strongly I felt, and from the comments he'd made thought he felt the same, until he said that he didn't want any more right now but might do in the future.

But I guess in that respect then he's being quite sensible and not too hasty. Obviously the snip and sterilisation are permanent (well there's reversal but it's not too successful) and he's thinking ahead. I spoke to someone recently who is having her fifth child in December and she wants to be sterlised at the same time but they won't do it as she's only 25 - she's really upset about it because she's adamant she doesn't want any more. You're still only 30, what if he gets the snip and in afew years time you decide you want another one. I know you say you don't now, but the urge to have a baby is a strong one and you may regret it. I suggested the family planning clinic because I used to go to my local one as opposed to my GP - they're very good and can take more time to go through all your options with you.

Jxx

mumslave

Thats why my hubs is having the snip, I am 25 and this is my fourth child but still they say I am too young so poor hubs is for the high jump instead (he is 35).

gorgeous_gwen

Janepig wrote: »

But I guess in that respect then he's being quite sensible and not too hasty. Obviously the snip and sterilisation are permanent (well there's reversal but it's not too successful) and he's thinking ahead. I spoke to someone recently who is having her fifth child in December and she wants to be sterlised at the same time but they won't do it as she's only 25 - she's really upset about it because she's adamant she doesn't want any more. You're still only 30, what if he gets the snip and in afew years time you decide you want another one. I know you say you don't now, but the urge to have a baby is a strong one and you may regret it. I suggested the family planning clinic because I used to go to my local one as opposed to my GP - they're very good and can take more time to go through all your options with you.

Jxx

I appreciate the advice. The thing is, I have always known I wanted two, fairly close in age, and whilst after having DS I still felt there was a 'space' in my life for another one, I don't feel that, I feel the opposite.

I feel quite a strain at times in terms of the attention I can give both my kids as well as devoting time to boyf and our relationship, and that's not factoring in thinking about a career as well. I feel that two is enough for me, I feel I can just about manage practically, emotionally and financially - for me three would be stretching all that too much.

Whilst baby was a happy accident, I don't want another accident and don't want to have another baby, either now or in the future.

gorgeous_gwen

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

In your shoes, I'd be trying to overcome my aversion to the pill or the coil!

Sterilisation isn't going to solve the problem of your boyfriend's potential desire for future children.

Are you using the rhythm method now?

We're continuing to use condoms for now in absence of having another method yet and I have planned to use natural family planning when my periods return to a regular cycle (still breastfeeding at the moment.)