I dont think my partner has learned her lesson!

BDB1

As the title suggests, after declaring ourselves bankrupt in April and moving out of our home and into rented accommodation i honestly thought that my wife would have learned her lesson as i have.

However i find myself becoming increasingly more frustrated be her blase attitude toward what has happened to us.

If i try to say that we dont have to spend what little money we have and need to put some away for emergencies etc, she says im stopping her from enjoying her hard earned money, i would have thought that after all we had been through she would be quite humbled by the whole experience and want to make provisions for the future but no, she seems to be on course to waste every penny she gets.

Personally i dont ever want to see any kind of credit/mortgage/finance ever again, she is already talking about when we can get another mortgage.

I love the fact that whatever we spend now is what we earn, not borrowed from here or put on a credit card there, she seems to want to go back to 2008 and just live in constant worry.

Believe me i have tried talking to her about it all, she either listens and doesnt understand, or more likely she listens and chooses to ignore what i am saying.

Any advice, or has anyone else experienced something similar, i really am nearing the end of my patience, and i really dont want to be the type of person who cuts up his wifes debit card and takes complete control of the money but i think i am nearing that stage.

MPwannasavemoney

My sympathies, I am in a similar situation but have not gone bankrupt yet but sorry I can't offer any advice.

The whole thing is driving me mad, in fact reading your post leads me to believe my OH will not change, thus making divorce more likely.

skylight

Keep your finances separate from now on. What she choses to do with her "share" is up to her. Do what you would like with yours.

There is no way you can make her see her things the way you do. She may come round or she may not. And this may be her way of dealing with things.

neas

you should save for a deposit for a house maybe? oO

p00hsticks

BDB1 wrote: »

she is already talking about when we can get another mortgage.

I suggest you point out to her that even with a brilliant credit rating, in this financial climate you have little chance of getting a mortgage without a sizeable deposit, and that therefore if she seriously wants to buy another property she needs to start saving rather than spending.

BDB1

I have already tried to address the mortgage problem with her, the house we rent at the minute is amazing, its much bigger and gives us more options than any house we could afford to buy in the future.....all that concerns her is the fact that we dont own it!

I dont believe in seperate finances, i earn the bulk of our money, she works 72 hours a month and looks after the kids for the rest of that time, so i believe that our finances should be joined.

What i dont agree with is the fact that she hates to see that there is money left over in the bank the day before payday and she almost breaks out in a sweat incase its still there when our wages go in....it quite literally kills her to know that there is a small surplus (no matter how small)

lovethymini

How about the two of you sitting down in front of the internet one evening together and research how much deposit is needed for a house - this may help her have a focus? You could then do a standing order every month for a set amount into a savings account.

I think if you take control she will never be able to learn to manage money.

Realistically, it would be like going cold turkey for a shopaholic not to spend any money, and it does sound like your wife may be one!

Bottom line is communication and honesty though, and finding a compromise somewhere.

Good luck

dojoman

Not a nice situation for you at all, sooner or later something will have to "give" Hopefully you can sort it out with her and make her see sense, whatever happens I wish you luck and hope everything turns out OK.

blue_monkey_2

Just a thought really, I had huge spending issues in my younger days and [now I know that] my spending was due to the issues I had with my past and personal life that I had not dealt with.

Could your wife be depressed and sees spending as her way to dealing with things. It is far more common than you might realise but is frustrating for partners/family so does not get dealt with properly, telling someone to stop spending money is not dealing with problems that someone night have.

Might not be the case so I hope you did not mind me posting but it could be.

alastairq

I dont believe in seperate finances, i earn the bulk of our money, she works 72 hours a month and looks after the kids for the rest of that time, so i believe that our finances should be joined

so maybe the problem lies with you?

Perhaps your wife feels somehow 'controlled' by the fact that she is conscious you are the 'major bread winner'....and to some extent you are re-inforcing that?

My view would be, to allow your wife to have her OWN bank account, into which she can place HER wages.
If , due to your total income levels, she needs to contribute something, then ask her for it...but allow her to keep the rest to do with as she pleases?

I think it's about 'feeling valued'..

A wife who spends much of her time, looking after the kids/family, see's little in the way of an actual 'return' for her labours.
[There have been many studies into the actual, financial value of a housewiife...and it's frightening to see]

So, maybe she see's that 'surplus' as in some way being partly hers....?

For sure, it's an idea to put something aside for emergencies.....but there really is a limit to how much financial purgatory one must undergo as a BR.

Consider her as a product of our credit-driven society?

Perhaps she doesn't WANT to 'see the light' regarding the above.....after all, it will be far from her comfort zone?
[the fact you say she hankers after property ownership still, says a lot for how much she has been influenced by our society?]

Maybe YOU need to chill a bit regarding that surplus...?

After all....if at the end of the day, she has something left from her labours..and you don't, then YOU have to come to terms with that....and it's probably easier for you to do, than for her, at present?

BDB1

Oh, i dont think i am putting across the facts very well here, so i am going to try and put it as simply as i possibly can.

My wife is so far away from being depressed its unreal, i know depression as my mother has suffered with it for 15+ years.
She is simply trying to enjoy having some spare cash around which i know is a nice feeling for her however she doesnt seem to be looking at things from a sensible perspective.

Her car is just about knackered and is due an MOT, we dont have the money to get the jobs done prior to the MOT, so when it fails she will be without her car until we do scrape the cash together, now if we had saved a bit it would have made things much easier, but she doesnt appreciate this, she seems to have developed the live for today attitude that i see some of our friends have.

I dont spend much money at all, i dont do much socialising, she has always been the sociable one and i would never try to stop that side of her, but she seems to be out visiting friends, doing things with them or going out more often than someone who was declared bankrupt just 6 months ago should be in my opinion.

I dont think she should stop in and punish herself over our circumstances but i do think she needs to learn from the errors in judgement we made in the past that have led to our current situation.

She has a Cashplus card that has money put onto it via standing order every month, this money is "her" money for clothes, treats whatever she wants really but still it seems that it isnt enough for her.

I am by no means an angel when it comes to money, but i am not an ebeneezer scrooge either.

What it boils down to is this: all of her friends and family say that she has a good/much better life than she has had before, she doesnt seem to agree.

She has her independance, she works the minimum hours that she can per month (72) even though she could be working full time if she wanted to, i dont prohibit her spending in any way, she has a lovely home with 2 amazing kids, she has a family who love her, she has a better social life than most, yet none of this is enough for her, i just want her to realise that all i want to do is put money away for emergencies etc so we dont need to borrow money from anyone ever again.

I dont think its a difficult concept to grasp, it will improve our quality of life in the long run and put us in an enviable position.