I dont think my partner has learned her lesson!

Oldernotwiser

The solution seems to me to be fairly straightforward.

You want to save money, your wife wants to spend money, your wife only works part time. Surely if she gets a full time job (you mentioned that this would be possible) then you can both do what you want to do and there will be the money there to pay for it.

BDB1

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

The solution seems to me to be fairly straightforward.

You want to save money, your wife wants to spend money, your wife only works part time. Surely if she gets a full time job (you mentioned that this would be possible) then you can both do what you want to do and there will be the money there to pay for it.

Oh lord, it seems that my little thread has become some kind of a psychology experiment.

Oldernotwiser you have almost hit the nail on the head in a few simple words.

But the problem here isnt the amount of money we earn, its the fact that my wife wants to spend all of it and not bother having some savings set aside.

I would like to set the best foot forward in our journey out of bankruptcy by putting what little we have away to one side for said emergencies should they arise, the other half disagrees.

Simple as that really, im not a dictator who doesnt allow her to have an opnion , im not a parent who just gives her pocket money when she's been good, im simply a loving husband who wants to make provision for the future so things dont go wrong again.

As far as i or anyone else is aware there are no underlying mental health issues, she isnt making secret purchases and the purchases she does make are perfectly normal choices, she just doesnt want to save.

alocacoc

sorry you make it sound like she doesnt have independance otherwise youd both do what you want with your money

youve answered your own question she spends whats left because you have a joint account and you dont believe in seperate ones

shes obv getting her way over it as you say you havent managed to save to fix the car

will you bail her out?

all I can say is Ive lost my job with no savings and when you go to that cash machine and it says available balance 0 that would give her some thing to think about

whys she worrying about a mortgage when your bankrupt??????????

alastairq

whys she worrying about a mortgage when your bankrupt??????????

Perhaps it's just an aspiration?

Perhaps, like an awful lot of people in this country, it's an aspiration brought about by years of conditioning?

A conditioning which somehow likes to give the impression, that 'renting' is somehow second-rate compared to 'owning??'

It's seen as a symbol of achievement, perhaps?

So far, nobody has questioned as to how she 'feels' about the bankruptcy?

Do her friends and family know the situation?

If not, why not?

Does she feel, perhaps, 'ashamed' of being bankrupt?

Perhaps she sees BR as a failure...rather than a symbol of progression?

Perhaps her head is still buried in the sand? [like so many of us on here, pre-BR?}

MicheH

Goodness, goodness, you've let yourselves down tonight guys.

The OP was only getting something off his chest, using the board to help get his thoughts into line, like we all do. I'm ashamed to say I'm feeling a little upset that I call you my friends on here. I feel like you've jumped on him and his ways of 'controlling' his wife and her finances, scathing of her because she doesn't work more hours (a mum, come on people)

She's spending a little bit of money that's left over and the OP just wishes she would get into the habit of saving so they can live a little more comfortably and worry free.

Maybe his wife does need to gradually let go of her old ways and spending habits - I mean that's the underlying problem here not the OP or the way 'he runs his household' the very first thing OP said was he didn't believe in separate finances, a married couple with a family - hardly grounds to insinuate a dictatorship or he's brought it all on himself.

I don't want an arguement here and it's the last i'm saying on it as I hate being drawn into tougue lashings I just want to say that I think the feeling in this thread is a tad unpleasant.

We just want a shoulder to moan, cry, winge, shout and let off steam when we post on here - not an ear bashing or comments about the way we choose to live our lives. Be nice folks

alastairq

Any advice, or has anyone else experienced something similar, i really am nearing the end of my patience, and i really dont want to be the type of person who cuts up his wifes debit card and takes complete control of the money but i think i am nearing that stage

he seeks advice......hopefully some of what has been posted will allow the OP to see the 'wood for the trees'...

Having been in 'the same boat'..on more than one occasion,I have had to take a good hard look....at what I did to contribute to the situation.

Maybe it was my response to the situation which made things worse?


Sometimes, support does not come wrapped in a cuddly package.


We have it with our kids...hard love, eh?

Our OP needs support....but sympathies wont sort the problem....maybe getting the OP's wife on here would help matters?

Either way, MichH, I'm pretty sure we still all consider you to be a friend, regardless?

BDB1

Again great responses which i have read with interest, believe me when i say that i didnt post on the forum to receive sympathy, i was looking for advice...which i have received plenty of thanks.

I have considered that i may be to blame for my wife's thought process, so i asked her last night exactly what is going on in her mind and the responses were thus...

She felt that we had struggled for so long to pay all of our debts and not fall behind very much to the detriment of our social lives, kids treats, new clothes, even food shopping that she is simply trying to enjoy the freedom that having some kind of disposable income is giving her.

She agrees that we need to save for the future, however she also feels that we have no clue about whats going to happen next week never mind in 5 years time so she has gotten herself into the mindset of make the most of what we have available to us now.

She isnt worrying about money as her parents are fairly wealthy and she knows that her Dad would help her out should she ever need that help.

She doesnt like her job, but needs the job to provide her with some much needed time away from the kids and to just feel normal again.

she doesnt like the idea of seperate accounts that i suggested, too many of her friends are in the vicious circle of always running out of money part way through a month and then having to either scrimp and scrape or ask their partners for some more money.
She likes the idea that when she's skint were all skint :rotfl:

In summary she is simply finding it hard to be shrewd with her spending when for the best part of 3 years we struggled and worried every single day.

We have agreed to try and save some money the day after payday, that way everything else is fair game.

Dave101t

i dont have any financial difficulties, but 'she' is often buying things off the internet at twice the price we could get from the local shop. she wanted a mortgage to buy a house and i just said no.she worked around this and its fine.
she spends her money, i spend mine, and bills are cut right down the middle. the system works!
from the tone in your post, id be telling her she is causing problems for the relationship but in reality id of already packed. some women will destroy everything.

alastairq

BDB1...sounds like you've made some progress..both of you.....how do you feel now?

As a suggestion, have you tried completing the MSE budget planner?

This might prove auseful tool, to work out exactly how much is needed to be 'put aside' for those bills that only happen now and again?
[like a car needing an MoT?]

BDB1

You know what, im a man of simple pleasures, as long as the wife and kids are happy then im happy.

we certainly seem to have made some headway last night but i suspect its just the tip of the iceberg.

Please let me emphasise this fact though, the amount of money we have coming in isnt the issue here (although more is always nice) and neither is how we budget for daily living things, its simply how we take care of the unknown things that can and will crop up.