I dont think my partner has learned her lesson!

MicheH

Shopping is a quick fix to help you feel better, it's a learned behaviour that gives us instant reward and happy feeling.. hard to let go especially if there's a little surplus.

I'm a stay at home mam and have learned my lesson big time BUT I do get down, I do yearn to be able to get in the car and go and treat myself, maybe if I had a car I would do that and be acting the same way as your partner.

She's maybe thinking phew, all this debt has gone, what we earn is ours and as long as every thing is paid what's the harm in spending what's left.

I do feel for you, we have to save for every thing we want and if DH spent the bit money we have left I would be devastated. I hope you an work it out together, a bottle of wine and a heart to heart is maybe needed

p00hsticks

BDB1 wrote: »

Her car is just about knackered and is due an MOT, we dont have the money to get the jobs done prior to the MOT, so when it fails she will be without her car until we do scrape the cash together, now if we had saved a bit it would have made things much easier, but she doesnt appreciate this, she seems to have developed the live for today attitude that i see some of our friends have.

Then when it fails it's MOT she'll have to go without a car for a while, won't she ? And when she starts moaning about it, you point out that if you had saved the money in advance she could have got it fixed right away.

What I'd do when this happens is avoid bailing her out by giving her money or letting her use your car, or borrowing money to pay for the repairs. A couple of months walking everywhere or struggling with several kids on public transport and I suspect she'll adjust her priorities slightly.

Sometimes I'm afraid you have to be cruel to be kind.....

BDB1

I must sound so cold hearted, i dont hate her or resent her in any way shape or form.

All i want is to start rebuilding our lives in a positive way rather than fall into the old trap again.

A heart to heart is whats needed here i agree, my problem is that i lose my temper talking to her about it and end up shouting then go to bed in a bad mood lol.

blue_monkey_2

BDB1 wrote: »

Oh, i dont think i am putting across the facts very well here, so i am going to try and put it as simply as i possibly can.

My wife is so far away from being depressed its unreal, i know depression as my mother has suffered with it for 15+ years.
She is simply trying to enjoy having some spare cash around which i know is a nice feeling for her however she doesnt seem to be looking at things from a sensible perspective. But she does not have any 'spare' cash as now she has spent it there is no money to fix the car, if it was 'spare money' then the car could have been fixed too.

Her car is just about knackered and is due an MOT, we dont have the money to get the jobs done prior to the MOT, so when it fails she will be without her car until we do scrape the cash together, now if we had saved a bit it would have made things much easier, but she doesnt appreciate this, she seems to have developed the live for today attitude that i see some of our friends have.

I dont spend much money at all, i dont do much socialising, she has always been the sociable one and i would never try to stop that side of her, but she seems to be out visiting friends, doing things with them or going out more often than someone who was declared bankrupt just 6 months ago should be in my opinion.

I dont think she should stop in and punish herself over our circumstances but i do think she needs to learn from the errors in judgement we made in the past that have led to our current situation.

She has a Cashplus card that has money put onto it via standing order every month, this money is "her" money for clothes, treats whatever she wants really but still it seems that it isnt enough for her.

I am by no means an angel when it comes to money, but i am not an ebeneezer scrooge either.

What it boils down to is this: all of her friends and family say that she has a good/much better life than she has had before, she doesnt seem to agree.

She has her independance, she works the minimum hours that she can per month (72) even though she could be working full time if she wanted to, i dont prohibit her spending in any way, she has a lovely home with 2 amazing kids, she has a family who love her, she has a better social life than most, yet none of this is enough for her, i just want her to realise that all i want to do is put money away for emergencies etc so we dont need to borrow money from anyone ever again.

I dont think its a difficult concept to grasp, it will improve our quality of life in the long run and put us in an enviable position.

Well, as you put it so simply (do you speak to your wife in the same way I wonder!!), if depression was that easy to spot then there would be no need for counsellors or psychiatrists!! Some people do stuff when they are depressed, you know, like spend money. :rolleyes:

I highlighted the bits that stood out to me in your post. You say she is happy, not a care in the world etc... but clearly, she isn't. Your wife is after something more that she has already - that something is what the money pays for and you know that as you said she 'seems to have developed a 'live for today' attitude some of her friends have'. What friends are they? Better off? No kids? Jet set lifestyle? Designer clothes?

Having all those things that you mentioned does not make your life perfect but you seem to think that it does - does your wife know this? Do you tell her this? You seem to think that she has a 'perfect' life with 'perfect' kids and is happy - maybe she isn't.

Spending is a quick buzz that makes you feel good but it leaves you wanting more, if you think that she should be happy because she has everything then maybe you both need counselling to get to the bottom of things.

The way I see it you have a few choices, you either have to accept that there might be another problem you do not know about causing her to act like this (maybe she wants more from her life than she has and her life is not as perfect as you think) or maybe you need to take all the money off her so she cannot go out and spend it. Maybe you need to take control of the household finances and give her what is left in cash and tell her once it is gone that is it as the car needs fixing at the end of the month.

Either way there seems to be some underlying issue that is making your wife want more than she has, so if it is not depression then it is something else.

alastairq

She has a Cashplus card that has money put onto it via standing order every month, this money is "her" money for clothes, treats whatever she wants really but still it seems that it isnt enough for her.

I'm sorry...but this still all comes back to you...

To be honest, what you describe above verges on condescension....I'm not trying to be nasty here, either...but , if you can, try andsee things from her viewpoint?

What you have instigated is a form of 'control'.

Like I said....joint accounts are very convenient, but CAN lead to conflict...especially if there is a breakdown of communication.

As I suggested above, get your wife to open her own account, for her own money......not some fanciful figure you have decreed [or...are perceived to have decreed]...

If she is required to contribute a proportion, get her to do so into a 3rd account, from which you jointly run the essential budget....you contributing whatever is necessary from your income.

The objective is, to get her to feel she is assuming more responsibility for the financial running of the household.

Maybe she will gain the motivation to go out to work more?

[there is nothing worse for one's morale, than to feel in that rut whereby one's income seems to go into the boiling pot, with little personal reward for one's efforts.]

A heart to heart is whats needed here i agree, my problem is that i lose my temper talking to her about it and end up shouting then go to bed in a bad mood lol.

I agree..but what seems to have happened here is a complete breakdown of communications....

We cannot offer advice or assistance as far as your wife is concerned...unless she herself comes on this forum [now, there's an idea???]..bu we can help YOU with advice or encouragement.

You tell us how you feel about the situation, and what you think you need to do ...and many agree with you...but...the feeling I get is that, when you try to discuss these matters with your wife...do YOU sit there and actually listen to what SHE has to say on the matter?

[regardless of your own thoughts on the subject?]

The fact you recognise that such discussion degenerates into a shouting match [on your part] perhaps makes your wife feel that, regardless of what HER views are, you are intent on having ''your own way''....she feels perhaps, ''browbeaten??'

Which perhaps may explain why you tell us............

Believe me i have tried talking to her about it all, she either listens and doesnt understand, or more likely she listens and chooses to ignore what i am saying.

???

In my own experience, I have come across this sort of situation in marriage before.....and I am a slow learner.

but..I have been on the 'receiving' end, and the 'dishing-out' end...so perhaps I can pass on something of an insight...not into solutions, but into the mechanisms

because, unless you yourself start to make some changes..[to achieve your objective..which I don't 'disagree with'].....then the only solution is a 'parting of the ways'.....?

b-man

I think its possible that she is doing what the councils do when they get to the end of the year and waste money on redoing bits of road and stuff that don't need doing - the principle for them is that if they don't use up their budget, the people working out allowances will decide that they obviously don't need as much next year if they had some left over this year.

maybe your wife has the same philosopy. i.e if i dont spend it all, then it looks like i dont need as much as I get, and then hence the fear that you turn around and say "well you can survive on less, so be it"

obviously you would never do this, but its all subconsious on her part. I agree whole heartedly with the post about her feeling valued. If that money has been agreed to he hers to spend then she will spend it.

maybe you should just save some for her for stuff like car repairs. To be honest, my mum wouldnt have the first clue about splitting up money into savings and spending accounts, my dad just does it and she is none the wiser. If she cant, or wont understand and take responsibility for spending just do it on her behalf.

the way i would handle it is just give her two options.

1. she opens a savings account and direct debits money into it for stuff like car repairs every month. You can do this together on the computer.

2. you can tell her that you will take care of everything and do it for her / you but it means she will get less money every month.


its the same philosophy either way. bottom line is that someone needs to save some money for these things, and she can either do it her self (with your help) or you can do it for her.

if she still doesnt see it then wait until the MOT failed car has been sat on the drive for a few weeks and she will get the importance of it then I'm sure.

alastairq

why not simply do the MoT work on the car yourself?

That would save money..stacks of it.....and if you don't know what to do, there are plenty of books and advice..even on this forum...

4$£&*(£$&*(!

I also believe most of this situation can be brought back down to your actions. You have to either take separate finances, or you hold joint responsibility for her actions. The two are not compatible, you do one or the other I am afraid.

Whilst it may not be what you want to hear, it is what you need. I have been in a situation where someone desperately needed money for food because they thought they had more money than they really did. I did not bail them out, as I had warned them already. Until their next pay day, food was whatever scraps appeared in the cupboard.

That was a really harsh lesson, and extreme I acknowledge. They never, ever did that again though. I believe had I bailed them out, I would have been relied on time and time again. It is not nice, and I felt awful doing it, but the same person now is very much in the black with plenty of savings and a good, secure financial future.

alocacoc

hi mate Ive read all the replies and know a little bit where your coming from as I have now sorted this same problem my partner she doesnt earn much part time and when shes paid her part shes left with little, so I was giving her money most days like a kid going to school I suppose it seemed

my missus looks after the baby the rest of the time and to put it simply she cant stop in during the day she gets itchy feet she has to be out with the little en whether that be down town etc or having a nice walk

trouble is you can easily spend £10, two bus rides a coffee etc Im sure you all know where Im coming from..

then twice aweek I leave her the car and she goes quite far sometimes as shes goes out with her mom when she does so I give her a bit of money and I put diesel in the car for her.

I was earning good money but I spend little so at the end of each day I was noticing why have I spent £20 today when all Ive bought for myself is a 4 pack of boddies and a bite to eat etc

I also work 1 mile up the road so I had to ask why £30 diesel a week..

I approached the subject when we were having a nice chat and basically we figured out a fair percent for the bills over what we earn then shes left with £40 a week of her own money surplus, she draws this out on a sunday and it lasts her the week if she spends it all on monday thats her problem she doesnt ask me for money. she doesnt have to buy any food shopping etc its all heres thats out aggreement. if she wants to drive round the galaxy she puts diesel in herself

were so much happier about it now she has freedom and we have our own money each

she even tells me now she never bothered doing anything wednesday as she will have lets say £30 on friday to treat herself and the baby

she even treats me now to little things

its such a better environment

hope that helps

Oldernotwiser

alastairq wrote: »

why not simply do the MoT work on the car yourself?

That would save money..stacks of it.....and if you don't know what to do, there are plenty of books and advice..even on this forum...

Might be more appropriate to make this suggestion to the wife; it's her car and she's the one who's only working part time!