relationship advise needed please

pinkshoes

I'm presuming this came as a shock to your husband too?

There's not really anything to deal with, and it's best to judge these situations by ear.

Does this 15 year old want to meet him?
Has this 15 year old been told that he's her dad?
Why has he only just found out about this?

Pee

If you have been married for 15 years, I'm thinking that you are about my age, 35, and you might not have many more years to think about and discuss having children.

If your husband doesn't want children, yet managed to have one in a casual relationship just before you got together, I can understand why you are annoyed.

It is being selfish to think about how you fit into this new situation. It affects family finances and possibly time together. It certainly affects you, but your husband has to make a 15 year old daughter a higher priority than a grown up wife to a certain extent.

It's a very good sign that he hasn't done the head in the sand and hope it goes away routine, he sounds like a caring and responsible man, the sort of man I can understand you wanting to have children with.

If you don't feel he is giving you enough, you need to talk to him and you need to decide whether you would rather look for someone else to have children with if he is not interested.

millie69

i came on this board for advice which people have given so thank you, but i havent asked for sarky comments i have asked for advice on how to deal with this situation as other people have been in this situation. The choice not to have our own children yet was OUR decision not just his or mine but OURS. we have had a a great life on our own and with the step child even tho its been hard. i just dont know how to deal with accepting a stranger into our home

pinkshoes

millie69 wrote: »

i just dont know how to deal with accepting a stranger into our home

Just like you would deal with any other stranger - be polite to them, make them cups of tea, make polite chit chat, get to know them, ask them questions about themselves, what they like to eat, what they watch on tv.

Just play it by ear and take it one day at a time.

Pee

I'm sorry, I misunderstood.

I think that when you meet the child, you'll feel differently, you'll want to get to know her and she'll remind you of your OH.

What sort of relationship do you want to have with the step child and what does your OH want and what does she want? Talk about it. By 15 most children would rather spend time with their friends than their relatives.

Does she live close by and would a day trip with her be an option rather than have her to stay overnight?

millie69

he wants me to have the same relationship as our other SD but i just dont know we havent even met the girl yet just her mum rang to give us this news. we would have her every sunday all day and drop her off at night at first but its making the first step thats proving hard

Pee

What relationship do you have with the other step daughter and how old is she?

Presumably at some point you will have them together as they will be half sisters?

It's bound to take some getting used to, well done you for being honest about that.

He's completely sure that it is his daughter?

elfen

Find out from her mum what she likes, and spend the day doing stuff with her a few weekends before she stays the night? She might not want to stay at first ,but you can still get to know her during the day. Your hubby will be as tentative as you, she's his flesh abd blood, but he's never met her, and neither have you, you're both in the same boat

cakeordeath_2

Obviously it's not going to be easy for anyone involved initially as you are strangers to this girl, I imagine there may be a few extra problems here and there, but that would probably just be short term and ease as you got to know her. The hardest thing for you and your husband would be having to alter the plans you had made before you knew about this girl, but at 15 she's practically grown up (especially in her mind) and will more than likely be becoming quite an independant young woman so probably wouldn't demand an awful lot from you both and I certainly wouldn't imagine it would be for many years anyway, so it might be more a case of some of your near future plans being put on hold for a little while rather than a massive change.

You said that you and your hubby have had a great life on your own, so I suspect that walking away wouldn't really be an easier option for you at all. Must have been quite a shock though!

Oldernotwiser

Quite frankly, it's the mother's attitude that worries me. Why would you want your 15 year old daughter to spend a day a week with a stranger you happened to have sex with 15 years ago?