relationship advise needed please

millie69

hi,

i am very much a lurker around these boards. But feel like my life has been turned upside down. ive been with my husband for 15 years no children together but have been discussed to do this in the future. He has a grown up daughter and has just found out that he has another teenage daughter. the problem is that i dont know how to deal with this situation, i know this sounds very selfish but i could only just cope with knowing he had the one child and now being faced with bringing up another one. as i said this sounds very selfish but i dont know how to deal with this and the easier option is to walk away. my husband obviously wants to see his child and not dismissing any responsibilty and wants me to stand by him.
Any advise is very grateful

Oldernotwiser

Why would you be faced with bringing up this new child; has something happened to her family?

millie69

bringing her up as her being a main part of our life

Caroline73_2

He has just found out about his second child and you think it would be easier to walk away from him than learn to 'deal with it'.

From the way you write I assume that the child was conceived while you were together? Could you forgive him for his infidelity if there was no child?

Morglin

Was he with you when this child was concieved or does it pre-date your relationship?

If it's the latter, it doesn't seem much of a problem, as I assume she lives with her mum?

If it's the former, then you need to sort out whether you can forgive and forget.

Lin

millie69

no we got together just after she was conceived - i am asking for advise how to deal with it

iamana1ias

I think "for better, for worse" just about covers it

Caroline73_2

Now I don't understand. Deal with what?

Get to know her, she is part of your husband. Your husband wants to know her so don't be selfish and support him in building a relationship with her.

Oldernotwiser

millie69 wrote: »

bringing her up as her being a main part of our life

Why will she be "a main part of your life"? Surely he'll just be seeing her occasionally and making some maintenance payments; it's not as if she'll be moving in.

simpywimpy

I think the lack of a child of your own together is maybe putting up a barrier to accepting his children in your life.

Walking away is a severe reaction but I can understand how you feel. Has this new child now put your plans for your own family on hold?

I think slowly, slowly here is probably the key so you are not just thrust into a situation you are not ready for. Discuss it with your hubby that you will need time to adjust and make sure he includes you in all discussions and arrangements so you don't feel excluded or left out at all.

belfastgirl23

So the issue isn't really the new child but you wanting children and I would guess being angry that he has refused so far. I'd keep them as two totally seperate issues. The second child is non-negotiable. The other part is. It's up to you how you handle it.