Stuck betwen a rock & a hard place

frugallass

PinkPeach his behaviour is simply not acceptable and no-one deserves to be treated the way he has treated you. What kind of drugs is he taking to make him be this way?

I get the feeling that he knows how much the dog means to you and that means he has some control over you by threatening to 'keep' the dog from you.

What do you parents think / say when you turn up at their house following one of his outbursts. My dad would give me a lift back home with more suitcases and tell me to fill them and get the hell out of there.

You need some legal/financial advice about the mortgage but it seems pretty obvious that the mortgage is the only thing that is keeping you there at the moment.

My ex was a heavy drinker (and I know he dabbled with drugs too), we never spent any time as a family, we never had any money and I think he was being unfaithful too - so when my daughter was 5 I told him I'd had enough and that I wanted us to split - I was lucky to be in a position to take on the mortgage myself - it was a really hard decision to make but it was the best decision I ever made.

PinkPeach

He only takes coke when he's out, which I belive to have a comedown of approx 2 days (I've never taken drugs so have no idea how it feels afterwards). As he has also suffered from depression I think this may be the reason that his moods last longer, but what I do find strange is that he's able to function normally with everyone else but takes everything out on me - other people would have no idea there was a problem. Sometimes afterwards he's mentioned he regrets taking coke because of how rubbish he then feels. As he isn't close to his family I do wonder if it's a case of taking things out on the person closest to you.
My family and friends understand why I'm still with him but only in a financial sense (my parents have said that I can always go home to them and that they would feel really sorry for me if I was to be lumbered with the debt of the house). I still see my friends but as they seem to have happy relationships with their partners I prefer to not tell them about my relationship worries and so this is why I feel alone in this situation. It's almost as if I feel embarassed to admit this is how it is for me, silly I know as they'd be there for me in a heartbeat if I needed them.
Frugallass - I think you are right about him using the dog as a means of controlling me. When he threw me out before he would ring me to tell me to come and get it or else he'd set it free in the park, but then when I'd go back to get the dog he'd change his mind, or when I did tell him I couldn't get back to Bristol to get it he got angry with me.
I think that the my house will have dropped around 10K in value due to the recession. One issue is that I have a feeling he would simply say he wasn't going to leave if we did split - previously he's said he'd stay in the house until the baliffs came. He doesn't earn enough to do more than rent a room somewhere or perhaps a cheap flat. I think I worry about the situation so much as I feel he'd more than likely just try to make things as difficult as possible for me. I can afford the mortgage on my own and have a little bit left over but my wage wouldn't cover the bills, what would happen if he left and I got to stay in the house in terms of his name still being on the mortgage? As the mortgage company have said they wouldn't let me have it on my own am I obliged to tell them if he left or can I try and carry on alone in joint names?
I start a new job next month so I'd feel better settling into that and then sorting out my homelife afterwards, as I know how upset and wobbly I've felt before. Your comments are so helpful as it's good to see my situation from someone else's perspective.

BitterAndTwisted

I understand that cocaine is currently about £50-£60 a gramme and I doubt that anyone larging it on a Saturday night would be buying just the one gramme to be getting a comedown that affects nearly a whole week afterwards, so he's p1ss1ng away quite large sums on his recklessness and selfishness. I just wouldn't stand for it, I'm afraid. Cocaine is a horrible drug: it creeps up on people long before they comprehend they have a problem with it

mountainofdebt

The worry for me, not telling the mortgage co if he left is that at some point in the future - after struggling to pay the mortgage - he would reappear and demand half of the value of the house....far better in my opinion to cut all ties cleanly earlier than have a potential bigger mess to clean.

Personally I think I would (secretly) get the house valued - at least that way then you are dealing with real figures and have a clearer idea of what options you have.....would / could your parents act as guarantors ?

You then need to get proper advice as to what consequences those actions may have but hun, you are worth more than this.

PinkPeach

Thanks for your replies. Mountainofdebt - I think you are right, I need to try and sort this out properly or else it will never be a clean break.
Is anyone able to tell me what would happen if he does refuse to cooperate and won't leave? I can't stay living with him if we split but don't want to pay a mortgage on a house I'm not living in. I realise I can't just stop making payments so am unsure what to do.

boombap

I know many people who have taken cocaine recreationally and I've not heard of comedowns like your boyfriend has. To me it sounds like he may have a spilt personality disorder but it could well be the drugs and/or lack of sleep from stimulants that trigger this.

Really hope you get everything sorted,

S.

kim85

Did you have any type of commitment drawn up when up brought the property? They quite often make you do these when ur not married me and my partner have a trust deed which details each of our shares in the house and pur commitments to pay half each fo of all payments?

If you dont am i correct in thinkin if you have been living together over 6months you are recognised by the law as a 'common law' relationship which means the responsibilty of the mortgage is 50/50 so they can't just chase you.

Can you sell up, then move on? i do understand that is probably easier said than done

elisebutt65

Would your parents be prepared to act as guarantors on your mortgage, so you could take it over on your own?

Then at least you would be free to take in a lodger to pay bills and get the locks changed etc. You also need to detail how much he has contributed to the household financially, should he want 'his share'.

kiddy_guy

Get him out and get a tenant in. It sounds like what you've got now anyway, except albeit one who is off his face.