Stuck betwen a rock & a hard place

PinkPeach

I'm 27 and have been with my fiancee for 5 years (engaged for 1 year). Throughout this time he's repeatedly behaved badly towards me. He's quite a moody character anyway at times but sometimes sadly takes drugs when he's out with friends, which can impact upon his mood for over a week afterwards. During these times he is very down and angry, usually refuses to have anything to do with me and chooses not to speak to me. I'm going through one of these phases with him at the moment and am increasing frustrated and upset by it as this is now the 7th day of him ignoring me.
Previously things have been so bad due to the comedown from drugs that he's locked me out and thrown all my clothes out the window. We have a dog and so I ended up taking the dog and having to stay at my parents house. Afterwards he said he was sorry (almost as if he coudln't believe what he'd done as I stayed away for 2 weeks) but despite his promises to change he never seems to put them into practise.
We've had a 100% mortgage together for 2 years and I feel trapped between staying with him as I'm petrified of the crippling debt I'll be in if we split up but also because despite things I do love him - as when he isn't being a nightmare I love the person that he is. He's said for a while now that he'd like to start a family (which I'm very wary of due to his behaviour). I've been told I'll have trouble having kids and so I absolutly adore our dog as I know it's likely this is the closest I will get to a baby. The dog is registred in both our names but he rarely takes it out, I'm it's main carer. When he threw me out he was furious that I'd taken the dog with me as he claimed it was his, but I know he won't look after it properly if I wasn't there. This may sound strange to 'non-dog' people but I'd be crushed if we broke up and he refused to let me have the dog (as he can often behave out of spite) as sadly the dog has mainly been my only company when he's in one of his 'phases'.
My friends think I should kick him out but they don't seem to realise it's not straightforward. When things were bad before I went to the mortgage lender to ask if I could take it on in just my name, but as I dont earn enough they wouldn't let me and weren't keen even when I mentioned a lodger.
I'm becoming increasingly aware that if I continue to accept his behaviour life will pass me by. No-one else I know has a relationship like this so I'd really appreciate any advice as to how to cope with someone that can be caring and normal one minute and so uncaring the next and also in regard to breaking up with a 100% mortgage hanging over me. (Just for info I'm the main earner so I'm aware that I will be the one that will be chased for the debt if things do end and also, these episodes are months apart so I woudn't define him as a regular drug user).

Rikki

Regular user or not, it's the effect the drugs have on him.

Don't have children with him at least for now. Do you want to be stood out on the street with a young child in your arms because he's been taking drugs and thrown you out or worse still thrown you out and the baby is still in the house.
He has to get this drug and behavioural problem sorted out before you can have any sort of proper relationship. You need to sit down and talk things through before this drives you apart with no going back.

consultant31

If you had a friend with this problem, what would you advise her to do? I suspect you'd say "leave him". Unless he not only says he will change, but actually makes those changes, you will always be unhappy and unfulfilled.

I hope you have supportive family or friends who you can fall back on for a few weeks. Perhaps if you leave him and really mean it, it will push him into getting his act together......getting new friends might be a good start.

shell_girl

If there was no mortgage what would you do?

If you were sharing a rented place?

paddy's_mum

I'm really sorry but I can't grasp what you mean when you say that when he isn't being a nightmare, you love him. Surely your comment "despite his promises to change" tells you that he is always going to be a nightmare and on the point of starting the next episode. At what part of the average week or month is he so entirely loving and normal that you don't have to be afraid of what's round the corner?

I can't imagine that he can have much love or respect for you to continue with conduct that he must know is damaging to your relationship and your lives. What makes you think that if you do have a child that he will treat it any better than he does the dog?

The problem over the mortgage is not the most important of your difficulties. Clearly he isn't overly worried about it or he wouldn't be risking the relationship that keeps the roof over his head. Your problem is how are you going to sort out the financial problems if you wake up dead in a ditch some day?

Could it be that you are in love with a person who disappeared long ago? Good luck.

mountainofdebt

I have to say that if you were my daughter I would be begging you to get out of this relationship and would be horrified if I knew that you were thinking of having a child with him.

It doesn't matter if these events are months apart - they've happened repeatedly despite him promising to change.

As for the mortgage, do you know what the house is worth - how much negative equity are we talking about?

PinkPeach

Thanks for your replies, I must say it's helping me to put things in perspective. I suppose it's normall to feel scared and alone at the thought of ending things with him, I just wish that that the situation would stop seeming so overwhelming to me.

Mountainofdebt - the house was bought for £135,500. Our last mortgage statment said we'd paid off £200 of this so far, so there would still a lot left.

Susan_Frost

Hi,

Sounds tough at the moment, and a lonely place to be in many ways.

It is not so much what you owe on the mortgage, more about how much is the house worth.

If you can realistically sell it and not have negative equity, then you will not be in debt. If not, you may want to see if you can take over the mortgage (though possibly doubtful), get someone to rent a room to help with the costs which is tax free up to a certain amount (not sure what) and go it alone.

If you cannot get a mortgage, then it may be a case of sitting it out a bit until the house prices improve (which they will do) and make the best of it until then. Not ideal by any means, but at least if you know you will eventually be out of it all, it can make it easier to bear.

Otherwise, accept the debt and get out now.

He does not sound as though he will change, this is the honeymoon period for goodness sake. You say you feel the dog is the nearest thing you will get to having a child - why let his behaviour compromise your life like this ? Leave him, you will find someone more deserving of you and hopefully end up with a loving partner and a couple of kids one day.

paddy's_mum

... but is the situation so overwhelming because you are in it without support, without any real love, and with stress, fear and dread of the next episode to deal with .. and that's before you start adding in the worry of the mortgage, selling the house, how not to lose the beloved dog etc.

Please can you tell me what your close friends and parents have to say about it all - or has your determination to stick with your partner alienated them to a point where you're unable or afraid to confide in them?

You might also want to ponder what your comment "no-one else I know has a relationship like this" is telling you. Could it be that other people couldn't begin to tolerate what he is handing out, let alone continue to put money in so that he can have the pleasure of chucking you out of your own home!

It's not "sad" that he takes drugs when out with friends. It's deliberate - and he must know the damage it's doing to his relationship.

I feel for you, and I do know from experience what it's like to keep hoping that someone you love very much will come to their senses and treat you right, but there comes a point where hope has to give way to reality. Leave it much longer and repercussions from the mortgage situation might be the least of your worries.

Which would be worse? Sell the house and over the next few years, you have to make up a shortfall of several thousands of pounds or stay, continue to struggle, perhaps with a couple of kiddies to bring up, and 20 years down the line realise that you've thrown your love and life away on a man who sounds close to morally derelict .. and you still owe the bank thousands.

BitterAndTwisted

Debts can be repaid over a period of time but the consequences to you and your long-term well-being if you stay in this unfavourable situation could take much longer to put right.

As previously said: his drug-taking is not accidental, it's deliberate and if he can't see the effect it's having on your and your relationship, he's too far gone and so are you as a couple. His behaviour is selfish and dangerous to himself and you and your relationship, so if he's not prepared to examine this and concentrate on how to put it right, there's no hope. Imagine what your life might be like several years down the line and how much more difficult it might be to extricate yourself from this situation, perhaps with a child or two in tow?

Put yourself and your future happiness first.

sarymclary

pinkpeach - I get the distinct feeling that if you could walk away from this situation without having to worry about the mortgage commitment, you would.

You have a joint mortgage of £135,000, which I presume was taken out over a period of say 25 years. Are you going to wait 25 years until you get out?

As the higher wage earner, your fiance wouldn't be able to keep up the repayments on this mortgage alone anyway.

His behaviour is unacceptable, and not those of a person in a loving relationship. The fact that he repeatedly indulges in drug abuse should indicate to you that he is not going to alter his behaviour. Having lived with someone with an addiction problem, who was the sole wage earner, and provider, I still chose to end that relationship when I came to realise that he was not going to alter his behaviour, despite it being destructive to our relationship.

If the house is sold, and you can repay the mortgage in whole, or in the majority, then I would say that on the face of it you get to walk away from this fairly easily. Can you move back in with your parents while you sort all this out? It may be that if you decide you want to split up that your fiance decides to indulge more often in his drug taking activities. Once the house is sold, where do you think he will live? Does he earn enough to live alone, or will he have to house-share, or move back to his parents too? If you can easily take the dog with you to your parents, then do so. It may be that you have to agree to some kind of shared access, but I would suggest that you organise that through a solicitor at the same time you are selling the house. If he has an episode of drug taking while he has the dog with him, you could always report him to the RSPCA to have the dog retrieved for you to care for.

I am intrigued as to what drugs he is taking, and how he is capable of being able to continue to work in the weeks he is coming down. Why, when he has been high, does he channel all his anger and negativity against you?