Sharing custody of dog - need support :o(

candykisses

Hello

I recently split up with my partner of 17 years. I am in the process of buying my own house so temporarily living at my mums house.

We jointly own a dog and we both love him to bits, he wouldnt agree to me keeping the dog full time so we are working on a rota of I have him for 4 days and then he has him 4 days etc.

I miss my dog like mad on the days I don't see him. His name is Toby and he's a 5 year old rescue dog, collie cross german shepherd - a real sensitive and loving dog and a character too.

I am not looking for advice on trying to get Toby for myself as I know my ex loves him as much as I do and I suppose it's only fair that we both have access to him. Toby seems fine and is getting the best of both worlds, a better atmosphere to live in as there is no more arguing and lots of long walks.

Just wondered if anyone out there has a similar arrangement and how it's worked out for them.

J

mrcol1000

I really don't think this is good for the dog. I am not being nasty before I am accused of such but dogs need stability and routine. I don't think spending 4 days with one person in one house and then 4 days in another with someone else is really going to be good for the dog and could cause behaviour problems. I know its a hard thing but it would be better if one of you had the dog all the time and maybe the other came to visit. If you are going to share the dog then you need to make sure that its routine with both of you is exactly the same. But to be honest (and I am not being nasty nor imposing a view but just thinking of the dogs welfare) I don't think its such a good idea but I can well imagine its not something that would be easy to sort out.

foreign_correspondent

I think if the dog is sensitive, he may find this confusing after a while, especially if you expect different behaviours from him... however, he may be fine... I would be aware of any behavioural changes that indicate the dog is stressed, and have a plan B for if this happens - you cannot put the dog through a difficult time to suit both of his owners needs.

So, if he starts chewing, or showing seperation anxiety, or toiletting in the house, who will be happy to give the dog up so he can have a settled, consistent home with the other partner?

Whenever I have had a dog, it has been mine, I have taken responsibility for the vets bills, the exercising, training etc... I think it makes it far simpler that way and avoids conflicts about these issues.

Good luck

lostinrates

I agree it could be confusing for the dog, but I also think there is a good chance it could work. for example, I know many people whose dog goes to day care ...and stays with these carers through holidays etc: and they are well adjusted dogs whose needs are better met than leaving them at home a lone for long periods of time, and they cope with the two places the dogs must think of as ''theirs''.

In my family, my DH is away Mon-Friday, and the animals all greet him with joy and pleasure, they are fine when he's not here. Simialarly, ATMwe both live in my parents house, which allows them to travel more and me to occasionally leave my brood. The dogs don't really have the concept of some of them belonging to two of us but not the other two, they are just part of a family.

Consistancy over diet, rules and your interaction will be important though. And thining aead: how will the atmosphere change for you dog if one/both of you get a new parnter? If that partner has kids/pets it could be much more confusing (moving a dog in and out of a family withother animals could b disruptive to the pecking order and cause upset.) A new partner could feel uncomfortable about the arrangement, which would similarly impact on your dog.

My sympathies OP: I think whichever option you take the chances are for a difficult decision in the future.

Op and her ex hopefully have similar attitude to discipline/diet etc, that will help; if not then I lean towards the idea of letting him go with one partner: even though its painful.

Fire_Fox

I had to let my cats stay with my ex-husband when we split - I moved into rented and he kept our village cottage with fields behind. I stopped visiting in the end as it was too upsetting. I would think it's easier to 'share' a dog than a cat, but I think keeping food the same is key as they can easily get an upset tummy.

candykisses

Thank you all for the posts. We both have a very similar routine with Toby, ie he is walked at the same time each morning and evening for the same duration. We are both in agreement about house rules etc.

Just wanted to point out that my ex (although he loves Toby) is a completely awkward person and the type of person who if he knows someone wants something then he will do his best to ensure they can't have it, ie. I want Toby full time and he is said there is no way that it will happen.

He is the sort of person who has actually gone on Ebay and outbid people at the last minute for an item he doesn't even want, just to stop them having it! Ludicrous, I know.

I have been researching this topic for months and as far as I can see, because we have owned Toby for 3 years and have both contributed fairly equally to food, vets bills and his general welfare, that even if I had enough money to take this to court then we would probably only be awarded joint custody.

The reason I don't want my ex to have him full time is that he is a far less social person than myself, ie. he said he walks Toby to walk Toby, not to chat to other dog walkers.

When we rescued Toby, he was very fear aggressive towards other dogs and I spent two whole years (often very tearful times) rehabilitating him and he is at a stage now where he can walk with other dogs, go on group walks with other dog owners and generally a lot more confident. I can't bear the thought of him not having much social activity if he stays with my ex. I put so much work into him and gained his trust, that I feel I owe it to this dog to give him as much as I can on the days I have him.

My ex always walks Toby, so that's not the issue, but I imagaine the walks are very solitary.

If I had enough money, I think I would take it to court but I know he is not being cruel to Toby and he is properly fed and exercised.

With regards to other partners etc in the future, I wouldnt entertain anyone who had any problem with me having a dog and I would make it clear from the offset that I couldnt be involved with anyone who already has a pet as long term, this would not work.

I hope you can understand my thoughts and feelings, I only have my dogs best interests at heart. Just a pity my ex is so ignorant and spiteful.:mad:

lostinrates

candykisses wrote: »

With regards to other partners etc in the future, I wouldnt entertain anyone who had any problem with me having a dog and I would make it clear from the offset that I couldnt be involved with anyone who already has a pet as long term, this would not work.
.

I was thinking nore about the frequent meetings with your ex, than feelings towards your dog. Hard enough at twice weekly handovers, worse still if/when vets visits and operations, or final decisions have to be considered. also, your ex may well get a new partner.

I think if you ex walks the dog, and feels much the same as you about feeding the dog and rules the chances are he loves the dog too.

mrcol1000

candykisses wrote: »

The reason I don't want my ex to have him full time is that he is a far less social person than myself, ie. he said he walks Toby to walk Toby, not to chat to other dog walkers.

I really don't think thats an excuse not to have a dog. At the end of the day the whole point of walking a dog is to give it exercise, let it go to toilet and mental simulation not for its owner or the dog to make new friends.

If you really love the dog then I would just give your OH the dog. It doesn't sound like he is going to give up the dog and if he is how you say he is then he sounds like the kind of person who would use the dog agasint you. As hard as it is and as much as your going to miss the dog I would cut all ties with him and just let him keep the dog as it sounds like he is just going to end up using the dog agasint you and your never going to get on with your life while your regularly seeing him collecting and dropping off the dog.

candykisses

mrcol1000 wrote: »

I really don't think thats an excuse not to have a dog. At the end of the day the whole point of walking a dog is to give it exercise, let it go to toilet and mental simulation not for its owner or the dog to make new friends.

I can see your point of view but at the end of the day, dogs are social animals and I feel that a lot of Tobys mental stimulation is gained by meeting and greeting other dogs and having good interaction and experiences with people.

Part of the reason he was so fear aggressive in the first place was due to him being under socialised prior to us rescuing him.

I would imagine if a dog had a choice then it would choose a life that included interaction with people and other dogs rather than one of purely walking with its owner and missing out on valuable socialisation opportunities.

Myrtle

I shared a dog with friends. We usually did a few weeks at a time as we lived in different towns. The dog didn't seem to suffer any ill effects and was happy with each set of owners. Hopefully this will be the same in your case.

As to how how he treats the dog. As with kids where custody is shared, unless actual bodily harm is being caused, you just have to put up with it. Who's to say who's way is right...

PhaedraUK

I have a ten year old Border Collie that I've been sharing with my ex husband for seven years. We 'shared' because we felt it was better for our dog, since he would then only be left alone for rare short periods, and would benefit from the same amount of exercise he was used to - either one of us would have struggled to do it all alone.

I can honestly say that our dog loves it! He's always delighted to see his 'dad', and comes bounding through the door when it's time to return to me. He's pretty keen on my partner also, so he's a lucky loved up dog all around!

I suspect it depends upon the dog's personality, and how well you get on with your ex. We have a set routine, but are quite happy to change if circumstances do. We cover each other for holidays, and weekends away etc. If I fancy a hike on one of 'his' days, it's not unusual for me to drive over, take our pooch, and return him after my walk. My ex is happy to see our dog having a good time

Edit: My point (which I didn't make), is that our arrangement was made for the benefit of our dog, and not ourselves. I wouldn't rule out sharing, because your dog might take to it like ours did. However, if the situation turns into a tug-of-love, then it's probably best if one of you has ownership.