Brother taking advantage of my dad

maggied_2

I have actually thought of saying to my dad he is in effect treating me unfairly by giving my brother money all the time and not me and I am going to start going to him asking for money to see what he says, I wouldn't do this as even though we have our own debt problems we would never go to a pensioner for money and will deal with our debt ourselves, whatever course that would take.[/QUOTE]

MM this sounds dreadful - no wonder you're so angry with your brother - he is taking advantage in the most horrid way - does he not have a conscience?

I wouldn't recommend the above course of action although I see you're so desperate you would - it'll only pile more pressure on your dad.

Can you speak to your brother - it certainly isn't going to win you any popularity but this needs to stop. Your dad needs that money - what if he has a sudden large expense? Who's going to bail him out?

That your brother could be so heartless to use money he and your mum built up is beyond me.

I would bite the bullet, tell your dad to tell your brother that the pot is empty and tell your brother to stop taking the p1ss out of an old man.

ailuro2

Their youngest is almost an adult.

I'd suggest to your Dad that he tells them now that as soon as the youngest is 18 they'll get no more help. Then your Dad has given 'fair' warning there will be no more bail outs and they can't use that as an excuses.

It's not up to you to do it for him, since your Dad is still of sound mind etc, but offer to be there in a separate room in case your brother turns mean.

Your Dad should draw up a list of all the money your brother still owes him and present him with it, tell him until he pays his previous debts he's not allowed to borrow any more money.

Of course once your Dad is bled dry he won't be able to give them anything else and will probably find he sees less of your brother.

Very sad, I'm glad he's got you to look out for him.:A

p.s. Sign up to Experian for free and just double check that your brother hasn't used your Dad's name to get credit - it's not unheard of, and the way you describe your brother I wouldn't put it past him.:eek:

Reggie_Rebel

Your dad needs to grow a pair

lavidaloca

I could have written this a few years ago.

My brother did exactly the same to my Mum unbeknown to me until she fell and had to go into hospital. I got there as she was going into the hospital and she was quite insistent and upset that I take her purse and handbag with her and not leave it in the flat. Turns out she was right as pretty soon I had my brother on the phone saying she'd promised him some money and he needed her cash card - he'd already got the pin and had been emotionally blackmailing her for money and shouting at her if she tried to say no. When I visited her in hospital she kept asking for her handbag and purse so I used to give her mine and she was then quite content. She'd kept all this from me. She was in her 90s when this happened and sadly died.

What I am trying to say is you have to some how stop this or it will make your Dad ill. I am sure my Mother would have had a few more years if he hadn't badgered her for money each week.

The other residents in the sheltered housing used to remark how good her son was visiting her nearly every day. Little did we know!

paddy's_mum

Sadly, there is virtually nothing that anyone can do to put a stop to this until and unless the Dad himself says and means NO! The Dad can grumble all he wants about the behaviour of the son and his family but he is the one who gives in so weakly. It is Dad who needs to see for himself that he is allowing this pattern of behaviour to continue. Clearly, he doesn't yet hate the situation enough to force a pattern change.

Saying "I hate this .." but then continuing is a deft way of placing the blame on his son, as well as absolving himself of responsibility. OP - can you see that his plan is working since you are the one boiling over with fury and frustration while your Dad quietly ambles along never having to confront your brother and his greed. Your father has shifted the burden and you have picked it up. Even if your Dad were to suddenly die, you will still have the burden since you make it clear that you intend to have a right old ding-dong with your brother given the chance .. in short, you are fighting your father's battle for him. Not healthy.

I suspect that when the ready money runs out, the son will find some way to coerce Dad into raising money against the house. That way lies disaster as it isn't outside the realms of possibility for Dad to lose his home once all the equity in it has been gobbled up by these immoral and greedy individuals. Might it be worth milliemonster seeing a solicitor on her own account for sound advice in lawful and practical ways to protect Dad and thwart brother? It might be difficult to achieve anything though if Dad is of sound mind and is choosing to go along with what everyone else can see is madness!

On a side issue - I suspect OP might be well advised to step back from all this and not punish herself with all this anger. She can't vent it, nor prevent the circumstances which provoke it, and it is currently achieving nothing, least of all helping the Dad to resist the greed of the son. Perhaps all she can effectively do is tell her Dad that she is there to help him when, and if, he asks for her advice and support. In the interval, she is banging her head against a brick wall - not good for anyone really, is it?

Given the ages of the brother's children and the "no respect" comments, I would think that after 24 or 25 years of utterly self indulgent behaviour on the part of her brother, and clearly a similar number of years where both parents continued to enable his poor conduct by repeatedly bailing him out, milliemonster is facing a long, uphill and virtually useless struggle to change things.

OP - why not do your best to explain to your Dad that he is behaving in an idiotic fashion, but then back off and take care of yourself and your own family. All this anger and frustration is just water off your brother's back but it can and will cause real damage to you, your health and your family wellbeing.

It's only money and although the situation is grossly unfair, is the money worth you going into an early grave? Have you actually any genuine love for your brother or is any affection you still feel for him based on what he used to be not on what he has grown into? If you met him (as a stranger) would you like him ... ? Desperately hard though it is, I cannot see that you have any real options other than to let your Dad and your brother sink or swim. Good luck and I'm sorry you're stuck in such an unpleasant situation.

BenL

I don't like the sound of your brother, he's probably got his eyes on your dads house as well, will try get power of attorney and get you out of any will etc.

Keep a close eye

red_devil

it sounds awful i would say something to your brother who cares if there is a fallout dosent sound like you much like him anyway!

BitterAndTwisted

In the same situation I certainly would not be able to sit back and say nothing about how this parasite of a brother is bleeding your father dry but it's not your responsibility to put this pattern of behaviour to an end, it's your father's. What I would do is be absolutely honest with your father about what you fear the next step might be, now that all of the savings are gone and then withdraw completely and have nothing more to do with it.

dgl1001

OP - I feel for you. Can i suggest that you

a) forward a link of this to your brother and
b) print off a copy for your father.

Good advice has been offered to both. As for your brothers awful approach to life, his family and children, well, what goes around comes around

cakeordeath_2

I think that one of a parent's main jobs (aside from the love and nurture bit) is to equipped their children to go through life, it seems he and your mum did a smashing job of that with you as you've learned it well. By constantly bailing your brother out your father is being unfair to your brother, who obviously needs extra help from your dad with this. Ask your dad who's going to help his son when his money has gone....and doesn't he think that helping his son learn to stand on his own two feet will be a hundred times more valuable to him in the end?

If your dad can manage to get his head around the fact that giving in to your brother's wants when he should be thinking more about what the man needs is doing more harm than good, then maybe he'll not feel so wretched when he says 'no' which sooner or later he's going to have to do.

Good luck....and good on you for supporting your dad through these difficult times.