Brother taking advantage of my dad

milliemonster

I am fuming and really don't know what to do. My brother is 43, married with 3 grown up children. He has always been appallingly bad with money and has frequently been bailed out by my parents throughout their married lives.

We thought they had turned a corner when a few years ago he moved down south, got a good job in IT but then they bought a huge expensive house even though his wife wasn't working and he was on temporary contracts (freelancing as the money was better) This was all very well for a couple of years but during that time they bought everything on credit (car after car, stuff for the house etc, expensive TV's, Bose systems you name it!) and then his contract ended and he was out of work for a while and it all came crashing down.

They moved back up north and rented whilst the house was repossessed, Bailiffs turned up to take the car etc etc, it was a nightmare.

Anyway, his wife has always hated my mum but whenever they got into financial trouble it was always my parents they came to and never hers (her parents are well off but would never help them)

Sadly my mum died last year and even whilst she was dying her grandchildren were in the room laughing and joking and sniggering and being utterly disrespectful (something I can never forgive my brother for) and I have slowly been helping my dad to come to terms with it.

Since then my brother has remained on contract work (he refused a permanent position as £55k was not enough money apparently, his wife now works also and she earns £20k pa) which has meant brief periods out of work. They have moved house 3 times (rented obviously) and their current rent is £1200 a month, they could rent cheaper but refuse to, average rents in our area are around £500 a month. I have this week discovered from my dad that he is still bailing them out despite his only income being the state pension.

My brother and his wife obviously can't get any credit now (they have a CCJ for something as well as the repo) but they still don't cutback or budget. Each time they have moved my dad has lent them money for the bond (£1500 a time) which they don't pay back unless my dad nags at my brother and then he gives him token payments. Each of their houses have bbeen an absolute state as the kids have no respect for anything (they are 23, 19 and 17 now) due to years of being spoilt and given anything they wanted when times were good so they never get the bonds back.

My brothers car was out of action earlier this year so my dad had to lend him his which my brother racked the miles on as he had it for weeks, my dad again had to give him money for the repairs and also the gearbox went which my dad had to pay for (another £1000) as brother had no money. The next month, they were going away for their wedding anniversary to Paris on the Eurostar even though they owed my dad all this money!

I have only found all this out this week as my dad is beside himself, he had a few thousand saved which my mum had saved whilst she was alive but now this is nearly gone because of my brother and dad can't afford to replace it as he only gets his pension.

My dad was really upset this week as whilst he was at my brothers house, his wife was on the phone to her mum and discovered she had bought her dad a Jag for his birthday, yet this woman will never go to her for money when they are in trouble, always to my dad.

I have told my dad he has to stop bailing him out as tyhey don't even appreciate it or pay it back promptly and their income is more than enough for them to live on, but my dad said 'what am I supposed to do when they come to me desperate? I can't see them out on the street' I know he begrudges lending them money but he doesn't know what to do.

I haven't spoken to my brother yet as he doesn't know I know any of this and I don't think my dad would want me to speak to him about it, he lost my mum last year and doesn't want any more upset but I am so angry I don't know what to do. I just know my brother is waiting for the day my poor dad is no longer here and he can get his hands on my dads house.

I'm sorry for the long post and the ramble but I am so upset he is being taken advantage of when my sister in law doesn't care about any of us, the kids are rude and don't even speak to my dad when he goes through and they should be bloody grateful for all the support my parents have given them all over the years (dad told me they have bailed them out so many times in the past I have no idea)

I would have thought going through all the trauma of the repo etc would have made them learn and I wouldn't mind if they had a low income but they have a heck of a lot coming in each month and still expect handouts from my dad

what can I do?

Rikki

I haven't got the answers but I just wanted to offer a (((hug))). I know what it's like after a parents death and the family falls apart.

Protect your father and make you brother own up to his short comings and if it creates a bad atmosphere for a time then be it. Your fathers health and well being is more important.

milliemonster

Thank you Rikki a hug is just what I need right now, our whole family has been completely shattered since my mum died and I know my dad is vulnerable and would give us his last penny if it would help us, but I just know my brother is taking the p.

Since my mum died, my dad has spent a lot of time with us as a family, we have taken him on days out and on every holiday with us, my brother has done nothing, they have had holidays and each time said they would take my dad but then haven't mentioned it again and gone on their own. I just know my mum would be so angry with my dad for giving him the money constantly and also my brother for not growing up.

killer_cam

same problem tell your dad he needs to accept that he is older anuf to mange his own money and as for your dad tell him not to pay them and if they get out on the streets then he can help them

fantasia322

Big hugs to you, sounds like you really need them. I have no advice because there is nothing you can do unless your dad stops bailing them out. They won't stand up and be counted or accept responsibility until they are forced too, so your dad is just condoning their irresponsible spending by bailing them out everytime.
I know you must be very angry and frantic for your dads well-being. but unless your dad says no, what else can you do. Have you tried getting your dad to say that you are now going to be responsible for his finances, that way the your brother would have to come to you, and you would be in a position to say no. By this I mean tell a little fib not have actual power of attorney. At least the pressure would be off your dad, and you would have the satisfaction of saying actual NO.

milliemonster

Yes my dad is able to make decisions, and I wouldn't really want to take control of his finances anyway as he is independent and of sound mind. If it didn't bother my dad so much I would just let it be, but although he doesn't want to bail them out, he feels like he has no alternative when they literally turn up with another sob story begging him for money, he feels put on the spot and gives them a lecture but still loans them the money and then has to constantly nag at them to get any of it back.

I have actually thought of saying to my dad he is in effect treating me unfairly by giving my brother money all the time and not me and I am going to start going to him asking for money to see what he says, I wouldn't do this as even though we have our own debt problems we would never go to a pensioner for money and will deal with our debt ourselves, whatever course that would take.

Marcheline

Hi OP, really sorry to say it, but your brother is acting like a real !!!!!!. Unfortunately, your dad is enabling him to continue being this way, so there is really nothing that you can do except try to tell your dad to stop. I would certainly not have any children of mine treating me this way and I would have no hesitation "seeing them end up on the street" if they didn't learn their lesson time and again and continually took advantage of me.

milliemonster

Marcheline - I agree completely, I have told him that the only way my brother will ever learn is if he has to face some severe hardship whether that mean he is out on the street, ends up in court or whatever. I have tried to explain to my dad that my brother knows deep down that my dad will always hand over the cash if it ever comes to it so will never act responsibly, my dad understands this, its so hard seeing your father go without so he can give his son who is now earning £65k per annum money to take his wife off to Paris!!!!!

I really worry that the day my dad is no longer with us I will really lay into my brother what I think of him and his family, at least then he will not be able to sponge off my dad anymore

floss2

Your dad has to be honest with your brother and tell him that the goose has stopped laying golden eggs and there is no more money.

As long as he bails them out, your brother will never take responsibility for his (or his wife's) actions, so until the statement of "sorry, the pot is empty" is made, then your brother will carry on.

Perhaps your dad should ask your brother to take him down to the Post Office, to watch him draw out his pension - the reality of seeing exactly what amount your dad has to live on may just hit home.

Or (and this is just an idea) maybe you could ask your brother for his contribution to the cost of your mother's gravestone, as you know your father has very little savings left to pay for it?

Errata

this is nearly gone because of my brother and dad can't afford to replace it as he only gets his pension.

A really rotten situation, but if your dad's money has gone then your brother won't be able to con him for any more cash. Just make sure your dad doesn't take out any credit for your brother.

Savvy_Sue

I don't know if it would be worth contacting Action on Elder Abuse, or whether they would be able to help your dad find the words to tell your brother to sort himself out rather than sponging off him all the time?