Dealing with a nightmare brother...

lufcgirl

I'm 25 and live at home with Mum, Dad and 17 year old brother. Our 23 year old sister has her own house but stays here two nights a week still.

My brother when he was younger had a problem with speech and was sent off to a specialist school until he was about 9, and then moved to normal primary school. When he hit year 8 in secondary school he started to become a bit wayward, as normal teenage boys do. He spends hours in his room online, wants alcohol and started on with the girls. This has basically continued right through to his current age now. He's never grown up as the parents have always spoiled him (only boy, no cousins on either side so youngest kid too) and never said no.

Now he thinks nothing of getting up at 1pm, watching tv and being on MSN all day and then drinking seven or eight cans every couple of nights. The weird thing is my parents condone it all as he doesn't listen to them and just let it go over their head. My sister and I rarely drink, and if we do it's socially and never at home. So we have the usual banter with him about it then he gets agressive. Last Christmas he was escorted home (16 at the time) for drinking half a litre of vodka and passing out in the middle of the street and then fighting with a police officer. He's only a slightly built lad!


Things came to a head tonight however when he was asleep and his mobile rang. It was an unknown number and I answered it to take a message. It was a girls father saying my brother had been harassing her and her boyfriend. I did hear a lot of shouting tonight but thought nothing of it. Apparently he's sending them disgusting texts and voicemails and stuff in reference to the boyfriends grandad who passed away last week. The Dad was calm and said to get it to stop otherwise the police would be involved (which I can understand). I tried telling my Dad tonight but his reponse is to go 'Don't do it again son' which won't sink in.


So the responsibilty is down to me and my sister. We don't really have any older relatives to get to have a talk with him as he treats our Uncle as a mate and my two Grandmothers are just the same as the parents. He's scared of my sister, but even then he only takes notice for ten minutes! Obviously we need to get this drinking and harassing people under control but I haven't a clue what to say to him to get any sense out of him.
Does anyone have any advice on what we can do? Sorry for the long post, it's like 5 years of bad behaviour out in one!

MrsTinks

You're his sister... not his parent... Stop taking responcibility for his actions and trying to fix it for him. What he has done is a criminal offence so I would try to speak to the father again and encourage him to make a formal complaint to the police and get them involved. Then maybe your parents will realise that your brother HAS a problem...
If not then it's not your responcibility or job to sort it out...

My half sister for what it's worth has a criminal record after getting involved in signing a cheque for a mate and it being found out... basically fraud. She was off the rails and drinking, smoking, ended up in a home for troubled youths... she'd lie to get money and fags but eventually she hoiked herself out of it - a couple of years after we gave up trying to help her... she's now lovely, caring and very responcible! She got a job as a care assistant in a nursing home to enable her to work with our grandparents who were both in care there and she was with both of them by their bed sides when they passed away... She couldn't be any more different from the girl we were called to see in the youth home 6-7 years earlier... You can lead them to water... but only when they decide to will they drink.

Savvy_Sue

Maybe you can't control his behaviour.

Maybe you have to let the police deal with it.

Maybe then your parents and others in your family will realise the need for tough love.

Meanwhile, you could get support for yourself through Al-Anon. Your brother may not think he has an alcohol problem, you may not think he has an alcohol problem, but it sounds to me as if he has an alcohol problem.

Marcheline

I understand you care for him, but he's not your responsibility AT ALL. If it was me, I'd ring the guy back and tell him to go to the police now cos your brother needs a good kick up the bum and hopefully police involvement will sort him out a bit.

lufcgirl

The problem with my brother is that he's soft as anything and doesn't deal with rejection well. Which is why I think he got the way he did over this girl.

If me and my sister don't deal with it then it will continue and I'm tired of his moods and everything else. I think more than anything one of the texts the Dad read out got to me (I'm not even going to say the message because it's a disgrace). I could personally kill him for it considering he lost his own Grandad a few years back. I know he has a problem with alcohol, he thinks it makes him one of the cool kids, something I can't relate to as when I was his age I was rushing back from college to go out and play football!

Thank you all for your replies too. They've been a great help

cavework

Please OP,
He is an adult so leave him alone. You should not be answereing his phone .
Let him take the responsibility for his actions.

lufcgirl

cavework wrote: »

Please OP,
He is an adult so leave him alone. You should not be answereing his phone .
Let him take the responsibility for his actions.

I always answer his phone if he's sleeping and he has it on, it's usually just to take a message and he'd do the same for me.
In this case I am actually pleased I did as I've now found out what the hell is going on so I can deal with the situation myself rather than having the police involved.

The route I'm thinking of going down is threatening to have his phone barred for good (I work for a mobile company and know I can't do it but to scare him anyway...) if I find out he's done something like that again. Having his outside communication along took off him along with the internet would kill him!

cavework

I know he is your Brother , but the more you take responsibility for him the more he will be unable to deal with mistakes himself.
You have one side of the story re the texts..let him grow up and deal with his actions .. police or no police.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but I have a 17 yr old son and I would not take the route you are considering and I am a parent.
As for the alcohol. late nights etc.. sit back for a while and let him find his own way..promise he will.
PS He is very lucky to have you to care for him so much.

Bananabelly

lufcgirl wrote: »

I always answer his phone if he's sleeping and he has it on, it's usually just to take a message and he'd do the same for me.
In this case I am actually pleased I did as I've now found out what the hell is going on so I can deal with the situation myself rather than having the police involved.

The route I'm thinking of going down is threatening to have his phone barred for good (I work for a mobile company and know I can't do it but to scare him anyway...) if I find out he's done something like that again. Having his outside communication along took off him along with the internet would kill him!

He will probably figure it's not true, or guess that he can just get an account with another company.

Like everyone has said, he is not your responsibility. I was in a similar situation, though my brother was mainly into drugs, and then shoplifting to support his habit. He got caught and had to go to court, and I thought that it was better that someone in the family knew - it wasn't. He needed to take responsibility for his own life, and he basically threw himself out of our parents' home when he was 20. It was awful for a while but ended up being the best thing that ever happened to him, because people outside the family don't tolerate the same kind of behaviour, don't let you get late on rent and bills, etc.

His behaviour will get WORSE not better if you continue to deal with his problems. You are a great caring sister, but sometimes if you love them you have to let them make their own mistakes.....

ailuro2

If you deal with it yourself to stop him getting into trouble with the police, then you're an 'enabler' too, just as parents not taking actions are 'enabling' his alcohol problem.

Don't do it, the sooner he gets a short sharp shock the better, before he does something more serious, like p"""ing his life away.;)

daska

I'm in agreement with the others, you must stop taking responsibility for him because the longer you carry on the more difficult he'll find it. But... he's your brother and it's often a problem finding that fine line between supporting and taking responsibility. It won't be easy for you to do this but it is what's needed and with your help he still has a chance to grow up.