Dealing with a nightmare brother...

whitewing

I agree with the others too. You can have a conversation with him to state that you're disgusted with his actions, and that he needs to take resposnsibility for himself. Explain that because you love him you are not going to be impressed by his bad behaviour and neither are you going to stop him from having to deal with the consequences of his actions himself, although of course you will discuss it with him and help him find a decent way forward.If he doesn't listen, and the police get involved, so be it.

paddy's_mum

Despite your obvious and natural desire to help, there's a certain arrogance in you saying "so I can deal with it myself". It assumes that sisterly love is capable of overcoming the most appalling difficulties when in fact you might be wiser to let/get professionals to deal with it all.

It is just plain wrong that all the adults in this (parents x 2, uncle, grandmothers x 2) are abdicating any action or sense of responsibility and are instead happily allowing their young relative (you) to attempt to deal with the failures of six other people. If these same other people are funding him in his stupidities (internet, mobile phone, booze, free grub and roof over his head) then they are, in my book, wildly immoral to boot.

You clearly love your brother but you also owe it to yourself to have a full, normal, proper life and starting down this rocky road of "helping" your family has the potential to hurt you deeply - it is perfectly possible that his problems take over your life completely and the next few years of fighting with him, arguing with your parents, and trying to protect him from the authorities damages you!

I would also suggest that if your response to what he texted the girl is to call it "disgusting" and "a disgrace", then his problems are a whole lot more complex and difficult to deal with than you currently imagine. With the best will in the world, you may be playing with fire. In your shoes, I think I'd be encouraging police involvement as it may well be that only a can't-talk-our-way-out-of-this shock will make the other people involved wake up and smell the ... muck that is likely very soon to hit the fan!

Your words and actions are those of a loyal sister and I think it a great pity that your parents' dereliction of their obligations to your brother are placing you in this difficult position. Would they hand him a loaded pistol if he was suicidal, and then call it 'love'?

I wish you a happy ending but would urge you to keep out of it as much as you can and save your love and loyalty to help him pick up the pieces when, as it will eventually, his bad behaviour catches up with him. Good luck.

carlo

lufcgirl wrote: »

The problem with my brother is that he's soft as anything and doesn't deal with rejection well. Which is why I think he got the way he did over this girl.

If me and my sister don't deal with it then it will continue and I'm tired of his moods and everything else. I think more than anything one of the texts the Dad read out got to me (I'm not even going to say the message because it's a disgrace). I could personally kill him for it considering he lost his own Grandad a few years back. I know he has a problem with alcohol, he thinks it makes him one of the cool kids, something I can't relate to as when I was his age I was rushing back from college to go out and play football!

Thank you all for your replies too. They've been a great help

Sounds like confidence/self-esteem issues. Being nasty to other people to make them feel as bad as yourself is a classic "i don't like myself very much" symptom isn't it?

Could you get him involved with something to give him a purpose/focus to his life...sport/DofE/army cadets...to get him out of the house, off the internet and meeting people who don't think it's normal to drink 7-8 cans every other night.

Sounds like he also needs strong role model figures to look up to...football coach, leader at cadets etc.

Savvy_Sue

lufcgirl wrote: »

I always answer his phone if he's sleeping and he has it on, it's usually just to take a message and he'd do the same for me.

Have you not heard of switching the answerphone facility on? And you seriously trust him to answer YOUR phone?

lufcgirl wrote: »

Having his outside communication along took off him along with the internet would kill him!

No it wouldn't. He'd blag another phone, find an internet cafe, and hide it from you.

Please, Al-Anon. You need to understand how you are enabling him, in different ways to others, but enabling him still.

Susan_Frost

Why banter with him about his drink knowing he "becomes aggresive" ? To wind him up?

Why tell him lies about cutting off his mobile, etc. ? To wind him up ?

Why keep telling him how to live his life ? To wind him up ?

STOP doing these things. If you dont interfere, and just let him come to you if he has a problem, then he is more likely to listen.

As with others, I think this latest episode should be left to the other family concerned and if that means they go to the police, then fine. A short, sharp, shock is what he may need.

I understand you want to help, but what you are doing is detrimental. He trusts you to answer his phone messages, so you must have a reasonable relationship. So, be the voice of reason, but only when he comes to you.

You cannot be his sister and his parent. People can only be responsible for their own actions. He needs stopping now before it is something even more serious, as he gets older. But you are not the one to do it.

I know you care, but what you are doing is not helpful.

sarymclary

paddy's mum's post above gives you all the advice you need. Do not underestimate the harm you could be doing by trying to clear up your brother's mess.

My husband's family were all like this, and he drank himself to death by his mid-30's. When he died, they were all still enabling him, and colluding with him in his denial about his alcoholism.

The only way your brother is going to learn how to grow up, and take responsibility is for the other grown ups around him, including you and your sister, to take a step back and let him have to deal with it. Perhaps your parents may start to see his behaviour differently, and not just a 'male right of passage', which it sounds like they are indulging him with right now, if the trouble starts coming knocking at their door.

The best thing that could happen here would be for the police to come knocking at their door, and to read your brother the riot act. Chances are the family won't want to go ahead and press charges, but if they do, then he needs to feel the full impact of that.

You cannot save him from himself, only he can do that. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. You're treating him like a baby, and he'll continue to behave like one if you don't step back.

I know it's hard. I have 2 teenage sons myself of similar ages (18 & 16) and although your love wants to protect them at all costs, sometimes you have to hold back, and let them hang themselves so that they learn the lessons in life.

frivolous_fay

My brother was like this. He's now 30 and still hasn't grown up. I used to defend him, give him the benefit of the doubt, try to help, as have my two sisters and my mum. I remember glaring suspiciously at the shrink that was sent after he set fire to his bedroom. It's all been thrown back in our faces for over 10 years.

Be there for him - but don't try to shelter him from the cold dose of reality it sounds like he needs.