Don't know anymore

elfen

I don't know if I can cope anymore, I'm falling apart piece by piece. Everything seems to crash at once.

I've got borderline personality disorder, and I also have a form of psychosis, so I see and hear things, which I'm 100% they're real, but cos I have no proof, no one except the medical people believe me. So maybe they can see them too, and they don't tell me so as not to scare me. I hear and see a lot more than I ever let on, and it is really getting to me, I can't cope with all the outside stuff, the whispers and the looks, even when it looks like no-one is there. It drives me bonkers, well, more bonkers than I already am.

I've just started uni, and currently I'm loving it, I like learning new things and getting to watch films and TV programmes I'd never usually choose, and planning projects, as it's a distraction, but one I love. I have a few problems with my BPD at uni, but I have a laptop, and access to a small room with computers so I can work in there or on my own when I have time between lectures and screenings and seminars. I don't like Monday lectures, there's too many people. My disability helper is just starting to get things in place, and hopefully I'll make it through my three years there.

It's more that things are worrying me. I had my ATOS medical this morning, and when the lady asked about if I want to kill myself, I just said to her "What's the point of living?" I'd never paid very much attention, but it's true. Every single day I want to die so I don't have to be this anymore, so I can have 5 minutes peace (something that I've never had, EVER, the extra has been there since I was 12/13, I can't remember them not being there) I want to be normal, and the only way I can be, is to be dead, cos everyone dies at some point right?

But, I don't know if I'm a coward, cos I can't do it, I have tried, I've done things that shouldn't be possible in a hospital except the nurses don't watch you, and the voices do (best way to explain them is to call them voices, although theyre much much more than that) The only people I truly trust are my mum and dad, I even have paranoia around my boyfriend, although I love him dearly and he loves me, I know he does, it's just harder to prove to me cos I'm a freak and a weirdo. I've only managed to say this much cos no-one really knows you online, and it's kind of "safer" then going to a site where I am known and where no-one will help, ro even really care.

I just want to know, has anyone ever felt like this? Does anyone still feel like this? And is there anyway I can be helped? Maybe it's been hidden for so long cos I know there's no help for me, no outlet where I ca nget away, no way I can be normal.....

PrincessPlaty

Didnt want to read and run.

My ex has BPD and he feels the same as you a lot of the time, the only person he trusts in the whole world is me and all i can do is listen i wish i could help him more.

I wish i could offer you some advice but i know that nothing that i can say is going to change the way that you feel

Sending you lots of hugs though and wanted to let you know that your not the only one that goes through this there are others out there feeling the same as you do.

xxx

wildfrog

Hi Elfen,

Sorry I don't have anything useful to add, I just couldn't read and run. Sending you big hugs. Hopefully others on here will be able to help you more! Glad that you are enjoy uni and the new experiences there. Thinking of you. xxxx

Errata

Elfen, these people may be able to give you support http://www.hearing-voices.org/

elfen

I've tried them before....and they cant do a lot...the psychosis team can't either cos I've had it for so long and I don't know if it is psychosis anymore, i think it is just real and no one else can hear or pay attention

beanielou

Sorry theres nothing I can do to help.
Huggles.
Lou x

Ames

Oh Elfen honey, hugs.

You're NOT a freak or a weirdo. Would you say someone who had no legs was a freak, or that they had a disability? How about someone with something like MS? Freak, or ill? You're ill, that's all.

I can't pretend I know what you're going through. I see and hear things when I'm stressed or things get bad, but nowhere near as bad as you've described.

I do, however, want to kill myself. Apart from when I've been manic, ever since I was about 13/14 I've gone to bed hoping that I wouldn't wake up. If I can't sleep, I comfort myself by going through the next day and thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I could slip on the path leaving the house and hit my head and die. A lorry could spin out of control and kill me. And so on. A few weeks ago, when I had the problem with the social worker, I'd listen to cars going past and think how easy it would be to throw myself under one. When I'm really bad, I don't bother looking when I cross the road. I'm not actively trying to kill myself, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I've written several short stories (one's part of the book I'm writing), the basis of which is that I don't live - I exist. I've taken 4 overdoses, and tried to slit my wrists. A few months ago I started writing about my experiences, getting things down on paper really helped me to work through a lot of issues I had with 'the system'. The first line was 'I've tried to kill myself 5 times, I'm such a failure I can't even get that right'.

Now, onto practicalities.

You've had the atos medical, you need to try and not dwell on it until you get the results. I know that's ridiculously easy to say and stupidly hard to do, maybe if you throw yourself into your uni work it'll help? If it doesn't go your way then there's appeals and other ways forward - I'll do what I can to help you with that, I've got access to info, and can help you find someone who can help.

It's great that your uni are helping. Would it be possible to change your monday lectures to ones that aren't as popular? When I tried 'real' uni I used to put myself down for the 9am ones, so that it would be quieter.

You're really doing amazingly well. You've got to uni, and you're doing well at it, which is something that many people, even theh 'healthy' don't achieve. You're successfully living with such a horrible illness, and you've got a good relationship with your parents, and have a boyfriend. Again, that's a real achievement.

You're not alone, and if you ever want any help or support then I'm here, and I'm sure plenty of others are too. If you want, pm me and I'll give you my email address. I have a bit of a phone phobia, otherwise I'd give you my number.

DVardysShadow

elfen wrote: »

I've tried them before....and they cant do a lot...the psychosis team can't either cos I've had it for so long and I don't know if it is psychosis anymore, i think it is just real and no one else can hear or pay attention

You are a well capable person to have your condition and get to uni. While I don't think there is any magic bullet for this, I think the fact that cognitively, you are well aware that you are struggling with more than 1 reality means that generally, you should be able to keep on top of the condition.

I am no expert on this, I have encountered 1 person in particular who shares your condition and Joe Griffin's writings on "human givens" shed a lot of light on what is probably happening - google on the term "human givens" for more. The important points I can remember are that we all dream, sometimes bizarre dreams, as part of our learning processes, in laying down patterns to establish how we would respond to various situations and events - we are in effect programming ourselves. Normally we forget the dream but remember the pattern of response. Your condition arises when that learning process spills over into our conscious hours.

Going to uni for the first time is very different and therefore stressful, it is good to hear you are enjoying it - but completely contradictory to know that you do not see the point of living. Being stressful, you are having to learn new ways of living and behaving, so the behavioural learning activity is going to be enhanced, which I think is going to put your condition on overtime for a few months. I think, truth be told you have been brave to go to university and you went knowing that it would be a challenge. You have my respect for that.

Living just happens. There may be no proper answer to the question of "What is the point of living?" and while you do, please enjoy it. You are valued by many people - please try to place them and the value they hold for you above the possible thoughts of others whom you are less sure about.

tandraig

hi hun - cant read and run tho i have no experience of this. cant help thinking tho that you have only just started uni and its a strange environment for you. also - that before you were asked about if you wanted to kill yourself - did you think about it or did she put that into your head? and now you cant stop thinking about it. if thats the case i am going to ask you another question
what do you want to do after uni?
you wont be able to if you killed yourself would you? keep your uni goal in sight hun. thats why you are there keep telling yourself that.
you have done so well to be where you are now - at uni - you have a relationship with your boyfriend. more than many people have who dont have BPD. well done hun!

DVardysShadow

tandraig wrote: »

... cant help thinking tho that you have only just started uni and its a strange environment for you. also - that before you were asked about if you wanted to kill yourself - did you think about it or did she put that into your head? and now you cant stop thinking about it.

That question occurred to me and I avoided going there. BUT. Is it important to go there? You are asking, essentially, did this experience happen in a reality shared by everyone on these forums or is this experience one which happened in a reality only accessible to elfen? The really important point is that the question arose and elfen is struggling to answer it. Strangely, if it happened in a reality accessible only to elfen, possibly it needs more attention paying to it, because it is elfen's own question, which has generated her 'own world' experience of being asked by the woman, in order to try and get an answer - I think according to "human givens", this would be a dream learning sequence to initiate the process of laying down an answer.

Actually providing a clearcut answer is a challenge, because the question of the reason for life has challenged most great thinkers in one way or another. I am probably going right out of my depth here, but I think that although the words of the voices should not be given too much credence [eg "Do you want to kill yourself?"], perhaps the messages that live behind them need more attention [eg "If I was asked what is the point of life? how would I answer that? what are the things about life which have value?]

Ames

I think you've misunderstood - it was the Atos doctor who asked if she wanted to kill herself, not one of the voices.