Nursery. How would you handle this?

CG77

Hi all,

Hope you can offer some advice.

My little man (3) has recently started at a day nursery, only 1 day per week (but hoped to increase it ready for full time school next year). He has always been the type of child who was happy to go off to the childminder, his grandparents' etc, sometimes even cried when we picked him up cos he was having such a great time!

The first time he went to nursery he was shy and told us he was (he's really good at expressing how he feels), but settled in very quickly, telling me within 5 minutes of being there, 'Mummy, I want to stay at this nursery on my own now'. I left him for an hour and gradually increased it etc.

Anyway, after the second time of going, he started to become a bit clingy when he was left there, and he is becoming more and more reluctant to go. It is now at the point where he asks each day if he's going to nursery tomorrow and although he sleeps well etc the night before, he is a little tearful in the morning before he goes and really quite distressed when we take him. This is really not like him! Nursery say he's great when he's there and we ring a few times to check he's ok and he really is.

Now to my point...sorry! When I ask him why he doesn't like nursery he says he doesn't like fruit. He's never been good at eating fruit or veg and I have to 'hide' it in his food to make sure he gets it, although this is getting better. I told nursery this and said he may eat it when he sees others doing so but if not it was fine if he left it.

When we talk to him about it, and tell him just to say he doesn't like it, he says they 'tell me off'. When we ask who does, he says 'the teacher' and he says she says, 'Eat it right now' :eek:!

Now I'm a teacher myself, and so am certainly not one of those parents who defends their child at all costs, and I also know he could be mistaken here (although I've asked him a few times in different ways and he always says the same thing).

I don't want to confront the nursery if he's got this wrong, and I hate any sort of conflict (maybe this is my problem more than his?!!), but how would you handle this without damaging our relationship with nursery, but at the same time trying to make things better for our little one?

Thanks in advance!

CG. x

Gingham_Ribbon

IT's good that he's articulate enough to tell you there's something wrong. Is it the kind of place that lets parents stay around for a while? If so, it might be worth doing that and just noticing how the staff are with the children and whether he seems happy while he's there.

madnessandmayhem

I would speak to the staff and explain (in as nie a way as you can!!) what your son has told you happens at snack time. Perhaps they wouldn't mind if you sent in a healthy snack for your son to have instead of the fruit so as he doesn't need to worry about it. Also although he likes nursery otherwise it is probably quite daunting from him after being in a childminders home to a nursery where there will no doubt be more people-adults and children included so it all may just take a bit of getting used to.
I would see what they say and reiterate what you said previously about it being ok if he left his fruit or ask if you can send a snack he will eat? and then go from there-perhaps there was a lack of commuication between the staff.
hope you get it sorted!

MrsAnnie

Could you make up a reason just pop into the nursery just after fruit time to see how he is?

I think that going to nursery would be different than going to the childminders or grandmas house, this is where he is bound to get spoiled (I mean that in a nice way!) and may get away with not doing things he doesn't like to do, therefore it is always a happy treat to go. Whereas in a nursery it is more structured and he may be finding it a tad difficult to confirm to 'nursery rules' and have to do what the other children are doing. IYSWIM. Maybe give him a little more time to settle in and see if his feeling towards nursery improve.


Can you pack his own fruit each day, giving him a choice about what he wants to take each day, maybe he would feel more inclined to eat what he has chosen.

CG77

Thanks all,

I think I will speak to nursery, (although I don't want to be seen as a trouble maker as we had to speak to them a couple of weeks ago after they lost my little one's coat and jumper and sent him home in September in just a tshirt!).

The main thing to me is that I really really don't like the idea of anyone speaking to him like that. I would never say to him, 'Eat it right now' or 'Do it now' or anything like that, and I certainly wouldn't speak to any of my children at school in that way. I hope he's wrong but it really worries me they could be speaking to him like this.

CG. x

galvanizersbaby

CG77 wrote: »

Thanks all,

I think I will speak to nursery, (although I don't want to be seen as a trouble maker as we had to speak to them a couple of weeks ago after they lost my little one's coat and jumper and sent him home in September in just a tshirt!).

The main thing to me is that I really really don't like the idea of anyone speaking to him like that. I would never say to him, 'Eat it right now' or 'Do it now' or anything like that, and I certainly wouldn't speak to any of my children at school in that way. I hope he's wrong but it really worries me they could be speaking to him like this.

CG. x

It doesn't sound to me as though you have struck on a great nursery for your son - I get the impression you don't have a good feeling about it in general
You need to be sure you are happy and your son is happy.

Are there not any other nurseries you could try locally or childminders perhaps?

RebekahR

TBH I would never ever send my child to nursery. I used to work in a nursery and was appauled at the way children were treated!Obviously you get your lovely nursery nurses who were like mother figures. But there were a lot of them who had no problem with shouting at the children, putting them forcefully back into their chairs if they got down from the table, telling them they could not leave unless they finished all their food, told them they were very naughty in a not constructive finger wagging in the face way. So so many things. Even rocking babies very forcefully to get them to sleep. Or pushing them back down in their cots. This was a private day nursery and I would never ever trust one. It sounds like your poor little man is traumatised!Bless his little heart. Words such as "eat it right now" sounds tame to some of what i've heard in my time. No doubt they were shouted at him.

I'm sorry to be so harsh in everything I'm saying. I do not critisise people who send their children there. But I wouldn't wish such behaviour upon my little man or lady. I personally would rather be more poor and be a stay at home mum than have my poor little one traumatised at such a young age.

How long has he been there? If its been a while try him in a new nursery in the sping term and see how he gets on there.

galvanizersbaby

RebekahR wrote: »

TBH I would never ever send my child to nursery. I used to work in a nursery and was appauled at the way children were treated!Obviously you get your lovely nursery nurses who were like mother figures. But there were a lot of them who had no problem with shouting at the children, putting them forcefully back into their chairs if they got down from the table, telling them they could not leave unless they finished all their food, told them they were very naughty in a not constructive finger wagging in the face way. So so many things. Even rocking babies very forcefully to get them to sleep. Or pushing them back down in their cots. This was a private day nursery and I would never ever trust one. It sounds like your poor little man is traumatised!Bless his little heart. Words such as "eat it right now" sounds tame to some of what i've heard in my time. No doubt they were shouted at him.

I'm sorry to be so harsh in everything I'm saying. I do not critisise people who send their children there. But I wouldn't wish such behaviour upon my little man or lady. I personally would rather be more poor and be a stay at home mum than have my poor little one traumatised at such a young age.

How long has he been there? If its been a while try him in a new nursery in the sping term and see how he gets on there.

Blimey to the bold :eek: assumably you must have challenged this if you were a member of staff working in such a nursery.

I think it is difficult to condemn all nurseries based on the actions of some members of staff who work there - but speaking as a mother who 'traumatised' her children as they attended a private day nursery it can be difficult to find a nursery with staff you feel you can trust (much the same as finding a good childminder who you feel shares the same values as yourself I guess)

OP I get the impression from this post and your previous re the nursery that you are not entirely happy - I wouldn't panic at this stage - I hope that you will be able to resolve your issues with the nursery or perhaps look in to some other childcare options if that's a possibility for you

gingin_2

I don't believe that a nursery should be "telling off" a 3 year old, especially one who has just joined. There are plenty of other ways of sorting out problems with a little one, most importantly communicating with you about them

We put my dd in her first nursery at 3. Trying to be a good mother, I chose the bells and whistles, sparkly nursery that was part of a large chain. DD has always been a content child, used to other people etc, but she screamed and howled whenever I took her to this one. In the end we took her out as it was obvious that the way the dealt with things were at an opposite to the way we handle things at home.

We gave her a few weeks at home with me then contacted another local nursery (the one we turned down over the shiny nursery)- slightly chaotic, slightly messy, but with a lovely bunch of staff in a little church hall and she settled in beautifully, learnt loads and had a brilliant time there. She never once made a fuss there, nor at school now.

Just follow your gut instinct.

CG77

Thanks all,

RebekahR, those things you mention witnessing fill me with absolute horror! As galvanizersbaby said, I hope/presume you challenged these things and reported them to the relevant body so it's no longer happening there.

The daft thing is, we CHOSE to send him to nursery for a day a week just for social reasons really, so he's more used to this type of environment when he begins school next Septmeber. All my friends' children who are this age are attending preschool, but for various reasons we chose for me to reduce my hours to very part time so I can be here with him. He doesn't NEED to be in this, or any nursery for childcare reasons and when we do need someone he can go to the childminder. I know this is a totally different question now, but does anyone have experience of NOT sending their child to any type of nursery before they begin school, but keeping them at home with them (obviously socialising with friends and their children etc)? Maybe I need to ask this in a new thread?

Thanks again for the replies so far!

CG. x

PS. Galvanizersbaby, you're right that I'm not 100% happy with the nursery, but I am a fuss-pot and for lots of background reasons, probably nowhere would be good enough for my little one! Sometimes I can't distinguish real reasons for me to worry with my overprotectiveness for my precious, precious little one...

LJM

i think you need to discuss this with the nursery just so both parties are aware of the situation and can keep an eye on it