What would you do if..

vaio

houseofboys wrote: »

......... The one thing that really hurts me the most is when our eldest was 1yr old I was suffering with P.N.D and very low.We went out with my hubbies workmates,bowling 1 evening. I saw her there,size 10,long blonde hair,the trophy girlfriend....me,depressed,no make up,size 18....anyway I told my hubby "oh look its such and such" .... A few minutes later I catch him whispering to a mate and them looking in her direction and laughing...Its obvious he told his mate he used to go out with her and it really hurt me,I was too far from home to walk home otherwise I would have.........

When was this? how long has this been going on?

Bettyboop

I haven't read all the replied but I would also hit the roof. In fact clearing out a few things yesterday I came across a London Postcard with a pornography shot on the font. I would definitely not buy something like that but it's obvious my husband did. I tore it up into a few pieces and gave it to him! To which he replied he didn't know where it came from or he thinks we bought it together!. Worse case, burn the photos and give him the remains. Becareful though a girl I know burnt all her ex boyfriends letters and in the process she melted her dustbin... luckily it was that and not her house! Hope you are okay.

melancholly

if you've been together for 18 years it gives some idea of how old this woman must be.... now i don't see any need for them ever but if you're 18 it's a poor decision, at an older age it is quite creepy!

given that you've asked your husband to delete all trace of her, it's no real surprise he didn't tell you about looking at them. i would still be upset though! we all like seeing our exes and finding out what happened to them (or at least i do, and sometimes i even hope for bad things - and i know that's immature and silly but it's true!). i would put it down to that because i know i'd look at photos! the cards being kept and deleting browsing history are a bit more worrying.... but the fact that you look for it is also tricky - you have some trust issues with eachother that will need sorting at some point because this sounds like it will come to a head about something else if not dealt with now.

i wouldn't be jealous of this woman (the photos are enough to make me recoil!) and i think most men (and also most women!) like to window shop, even if they have no plans to purchase!

ailuro2

There's always a bit of jealousy over ex girlfriends and boyfriends. You know that because hubby made you get rid of your old stuff from exes. Keep quiet and bide your time.

Organise a loft clean-out and see what he says when you say I thought you'd dumped these old things when you find the cards?
Mention you've seen her pics on friends reunited and isn't it funny she dresses the same as she did all those years ago? He'll probably agree, keep it light and don't go looking for an argument. Like most men he's probably forgotten they're even there.

As for your hubby looking at her, discussing her, laughing with his mate, how do you know he wasn't saying look at the mutton dressed up as lamb! Or that maybe she had looked good but she was boring between the sheets! Since it's some years ago, you might even have skewed the memory a bit to make it seem worse.


(fwiw there's a woman from my school, in the year above me, she's 40 now, posts pictures of herself in her bikini for all to see on friends re-united. No kids, no belly, no boobs either! Lots of fake tan though:p All it does is remind me she was the girl who everyone talked about for not taking off her make-up when she went to bed on a school holiday, rumour had it she put on another layer in the morning!!:rotfl: She only recently married for the first time)

You're the one who has been with your hubby for 18 years and has three kids with. Even if he was looking and thinking she was well preserved, or even if he liked the way she was giving a free show, he still went home with you.
If it is really bothering you that she's a size 10 and you're not, then don't blame her, use her example to motivate you to get some exercise and eat a bit healthier. But when you're looking leaner, don't follow her fashion example and start wearing 'hooker chic' clothes though - it's never a good look anywhere except the bedroom.:beer: I bet your hubby realises this, though, and is glad he chose you, not many men would want a wife in their forties going round flashing her bits at all and sundry!

carolan78

I would be jealous inside but ultimately after 18 years of marriage I would realise he would have gone long ago if it wasn't me he wanted. I would however be concerned with him deleting his browing history and request him to stop it as it just leads to mistrust.

Tom1234

If it was sexy pictures of another woman (not his ex) would you be as angry?

If so, that's a very different relationship to the ones I've been in, and I'm not sure I'm really qualified to comment. I've always been very open with partners regarding looking at that sort of thing, and them with me. It's not an issue for either of us to know the other occasionally looks at a 'naughty picture' or two. A lot better that it's in your imagination than entertaining thoughts of going out and finding someone else in the flesh!

If not, then maybe you and your husband need to sit down and talk about why you find it particularly troubling that he's looking at pictures of HER. For him, I imagine it's a combination of factors -

1. He's looking at pictures of a good looking scantily clad woman, bit of a no brainer.
2. He's 'not meant to be looking' at them - even though they're in the public domain, they're still almost private photos (in a lot of mens minds). Some guys get a thrill out of the illicit.

I would guess that for him, it's possibly a bit more exciting than looking up pictures of random women on the internet, because he's not meant to be seeing her in that state of undress, and because he's had relations with her in the past, he may be reliving some of the 'good times' they had in his mind.

That's not to say he doesnt still love and respect you, and find you attractive. It may just be that he's enjoying a bit of fantasy and doesn't realise how much it's upsetting you.

Sit down and talk to him about it, if you've been together as long as you say I'm sure he'll be more than willing to listen.

hot.chick

this might sound a bit harsh...

but would you be so upset if she was say - the same dress size as you?

Is it your upset because you think she's thinner, prettyer, blonder, or more what ever than you?

Have you thoght about doing things to make yourself feel prettier, sexier, etc???

People look at pics on social networking sites - it's part of what thier about, I think your a bit upset because you feel you don't match upto this woman from your OH's past.

Does she match upto you? Maybe she looks at pics of your family life together a thinks about how different her life might have been?

Just a thought...

Be proud of what you have and what you are, woman, wife, mother etc... some people pray for these things and never get them...

Pee

Errata wrote: »

I'd use his head to reshape my cast iron frying pan

Is that a money saving wok?

Kandipandi

If you dont like him being in touch with her, tell him how much it hurts/upsets you. If he gave a s*&t then he would stop.
If they have no children together (which is the only real reason that ex's still need to keep in touch) they he should not have any contact at all if it is upsetting you.

I love my DH so much and if I was doing something (even innocently) and it was upsetting him then I would do whatever I could to stop that pain for him?

Wouldn't everyone?

p.s. Don't ever compare yourself to the ex - if she was that amazing your DH would still be with her and would never have met wonderful you! x

houseofboys

Wow,thanks for the replies!

Let me start off by saying that I haven't mentioned it again,there is no point dwelling on it.

Me and hubby have had a day off together today and lets just say we didn't get time to have lunch till 3pm!

Yes I have issues with my weight,i'm 36 now, we met when I was 18 and a shapley size 14....now an hourglass size 20,he loves my boobs n bum! .....any more days like today and i'll be a size 10 in no time pmsl...but yes joking aside I really need a kick up the bum and get myself motivated,I have spent the last 5 yrs grieving the loss of our only daughter and have just seen the light thru the clouds so to speak.

Just wanted to add that he only went out with her when he was 16 & she was 14 for a few months but she obviously meant a lot to him....kind of first love thing I think.

BTW hot chick I am far prettier than her ,used to be blonde am now brunette,she is thinner with no boobs,I have more than a handful ...and yes,she has never married,has 2 kids by different dads and is always on the look out for mr right.....thankfully she dumped my mr right all those yrs ago!

Cheers again xx