How can i tell my mum to start being nice without offending her?

Evansangel

Meh im really annoyed, is it unreasonable if i say to my mum that she cant come up anymore unless she starts behaving?

On Saturday she came round with my stepdad and my 3 siblings to see my new house. We previously weren't speaking and have just started speaking again.
And this is what happened saturday.

She came round, was due at 1pm but was really late. Then showing her around my house all she did was insult it. So we're sat in the garden and i said i'd rather the kids dont go upstairs as they will wreck the place, (they are 9, 5 and 4)
Well they did keep going upstiars and wrecking everything and dropping food everywhere, and she wouldn't control them at all.
I kept telling them to stay in the garden and conservetry to play but they wouldn't at all.

She was constantly slagging off people she was supposed to be friends with and other family members, and she kept calling my dad and stepmums two boys (half brothers) ugly weird kids.

Then we got onto baby names and i said we were having Lily for a girls name, and she instantly went "oh thats a disgusting name, thats horrible, i hate it"
So i said thats its my baby not hers and i'll call him/her what i like.

Then she lit up a cigarette and the convo went as follows
me: your not allowed to smoke here
her: yes i can
me: No the landlord doesn't want people smoking here
her: im in the garden, there is no roof so i can.
me: No it says in my contract no smoking in the house or garden
her: I smoke where the f*ck i like, and no one can stop me

So she did go ahead an smoke, then put the end in a tree stump, which proceeded to start smoking everywhere and i had to pour water in it to stop it setting alight *sigh*

So anyway, after a while i now have a massive headache cause of the kids screaming and i said i wanted to go to my letting agent to ask them something at somepoint soon, and she was like "what you invite me round and now are telling me to p*ss off"

So now i dont want her to come round again unless she can stop being rude about everyone and can respecting my property. But how can i say it without offeneding her?

Thanks in advance x

Caroline73_2

Why are you worried about offending her? You asked nicely already.

She sounds like a complete cow and her kids have no respect either.

puddy

why are you bothered about offending her. write to her exactly what you wrote here and tell her that from now on, you are happy to keep in contact by phone or meeting her in a local cafe or something

stationaryace

you appear overly concerned about offending her. i wouldn't invite her round until she can behave like an adult, and if she makes any comments on this tell her the truth. tbh the bit that appalls me is her pointedly smoking despite you asking her not to and highlighting that it is against your contract.

Evansangel

Well i dont want to offened her because she twists the story and makes out like im the bad guy and turns people against me (happened last time we stopped speaking)
I want to remain on speaking terms with her, but without all this.
x

babymoo

Just tell her straight, Yes shes your mum but you've always had to live by "my house, my rules" now its time for the other way around, she can come round if kids stay where they are told, she doesn't smoke and she is polite. Otherwise tell her to bu**er off.

Buddingblonde

Mother, if you dont have anything nice to say about baby name/ friend/ family member then dont say anything.

It is your home, if she isnt disciplining her children you do it. Make no apologies and dont get emotional about it. She obviously has the hide of a rhino and subtle isnt going to cut it is it?

KK22_2

Why should you worry about offending her when she obviously doesn't care how offensive she is towards you. Making rude comments about your house, baby names and showing a blatent disregard towards you and your house makes me think that you mum might need you to tell her this is a no nonsense manner. It doesn't sound like she respects you (her fault, not yours obviously) and it sounds like she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it's YOUR house, YOUR rules and YOUR way while they are there.

It sounds like whether you offend her or not while telling her this, that she'll turn it around to make you the bad guy regardless.

searching_me

EA tell her out right you dont need it and no matter what you says its gonna offend her so you might as well just come out with it and if she dont like theres nothing more you can do .......... but you have your own life to think about you maybe her child but you are also an adult and so should treat you like one x

harley1

oh, EA, I'm sorry she has behaved like this with you. I agree with the posters above that offending her should be the last thing you worry about. Was she worried about offending you with her smoking, insults, language?

She doesn't sound like anyones mother that I know so I don't really have any experience to know how to advise you to speak to her but personally I would come straight out with it and demand more respect for yourself and your property. Don't invite them round again and if that is questioned explain that you expect to be treated with more respect than they have shown you up until now and therefore you do not want them in your house until they can treat it, and you, a bit better.

Bear in mind, if you keep in fairly regular contact with this side of your family this sort of behaviour could influence your baby as it grows up and it will be very difficult to get baby to behave the way you want if you are letting its uncles and aunts (if I've got the relationship right?) get away with things that he/she can't.

xxxxx

elaine373

She probably still see herself as having the last word as she is your mum but Her behaviour is unnaceptable.Just tell her straight.It shouldnt be that hard to be `friends` with your mum. She sounds very stressed and aggressive.Perhaps you could suggest meeting one day, just you and her for a cuppa and a chat? Maybe see if you can meet as equal adults.