I'm messing things up, help (long)

iamana1ias

Jo_R wrote: »

This is quite a hard post to make but I'm quite upset right now...

I have been with OH for just over 2 years. He is a very good man; we did have some teething problems initially but once we've settled down together and especially since the birth of our baby seven months ago, he's really come into his own, he works hard, pulls his weight around the house, and is a great dad and stepdad, really good.

We have a good relationship; he treats me well, and as well as him being supportive, he is quite simply really good company. I completely and utterly adore him, and he always tells me how he feels about me.

However (ah yes there *had* to be one didn't there?!), I think I am in the process of ruining any good thing about me and him. Even though he asked me if I wanted to get married, I have somehow convinced myself that he is only doing it because he knows I want to.

I did make it quite clear how important it was, he had various reasons why he wanted to wait, but in the end he asked me and I was sooo happy.

He has made a number of comments since asking me that reading between the lines, have put the negative thought into my head. Things such as what's the point of getting married if I won't even change my name, saying he doesn't know why he wants to get married, saying that nothing would change after we got married anyway (so say all of his work mates apparently), and how it's more important to women than it is to men to get married.

I have tried to talk about it to him, and although he will conversate about it, I get something different every time. I admit completely that I have brought up the subject quite often, and to me this is because I have never quite felt that I've gotten anywhere with him listening and responding. To me it's not that I'm looking to hear something in particular, it's that he seems to go from one extreme to the other in terms of how he feels about marriage and I'm completely confused as to whether his heart's in it or not.

Today he told me that he is sick and tired of me wanting to talk about it, he says I am forever wanting to have answers to questions, to take everything to pieces and analyse what he says, that nothing is ever simple with me. He says he's fed up with it and that if I carry on as I am that I am going to end up a very lonely old woman...

I was gutted... I can see what he says is true - yes it hurts but it describes me to a tee. I have no idea what to do from here - my senses tell me actions speak louder than words and he says a lot but I don't feel it in my gut if that makes sense? I believe he wants to be with me 'forever' but stupid as it sounds, the fairytale I suppose I was wishing after isn't happening, and although I can't ask that he whisks me away for a romantic proposal, tells me every day how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, much as I would love that, I know I would be stupid to throw things away by acting like this.

It doesn't help that my sister has just gotten married and although I'm so pleased for her, I can't help but wish my OH got involved in a proposal and wedding plans like my BIL did, all the things he said he would want to do earlier on in our relationship but hasn't done... I feel so stupid just wanting to have a bit of something special and for OH to just look like he wants it as much as he has said - it's like he says it then the day after it's back to 'normality' and all the negative things about getting married...

I don't know whether to just carry on and not talk about it... To me it goes against everything in me to *not* want to talk about things if they don't feel right but I'm really not sure what to do. OH did apologise later, he said he was sorry and I was his baby and he hates seeing me upset - I said no, it's okay, you were just saying what you thought.

Sorry for the rambling post but I just needed to get it off my chest... I wish I was one of these self-assured people but I'm not, I feel really upset, am trying to hide that from OH but work out what I'm supposed to do because I really don't know

I'm not surprised your OH is behaving like this. You've backed him into a corner and seem to be using him as a puppet.

You've posted about the minutiae of your life including threads entitled "Getting OH to propose - and think it's his idea!" http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1328015&highlight=

So he did what you wanted and proposed and you launch headlong into planning your dream wedding. You want a ring, and a dress, and a date, and so on and so forth. Nothing about what your OH wants (which is actually to be left alone). He probably feels completely detached from it. He didn't want to marry you (probably can't see the need when you've already had his baby) and given the rate that you ask questions on here the poor bloke must be sick of hearing about it.

That's the problem when you manipulate someone into doing something that you want but they don't. (This is the reason I left my ex. He was desperate for marriage and I don't want it at all.)

Sorry if this sounds harsh.

Frith

That link leads to a discussion about Tesco!!!

iamana1ias

ACEY wrote: »

That link leads to a discussion about Tesco!!!

I've corrected it.

Jo_R_2

No, don't be sorry, you're probably right. He is sick of hearing about it - and in my quest to somehow recify all the stupid mistakes I've made in the journey to ending up as a single mum of two before I met him, I am realising I am pushing him away.

You know, the way you paint it iamana1ias it's all about the wedding. Well the wedding is important, but it's not just that. A ring would be nice, but I have one he gave me a while ago anyway. I suppose if I get down to the bare essence of it, I want him to be romantic.

He used to be when we first got together, cute little thoughtful things, and he still is thoughtful. I guess what I still want is to be swept off my feet, not everyday, not all the time, but just once in a while would be nice. He says he wants to get married, but I can't see this in his actions iyswim, and that may or may not be because of how I went about getting him to propose. I just want to feel wanted for me, for who I am, not just as the person who looks after the kids and cleans the house, and I want to know that he wants to get married just as much as I do to have that overwhelming feeling that he's found the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

I was at my sister's wedding the other day, and when my father did his speech, he joked about how every father hopes his daughter finds the right man and gets married - eventually - cue pointed looks at me and the whole room broke out in laughter... I laughed along but I felt so embarrassed and upset and it's been in my head since.

I *do* post a lot about various things... I'm a very quiet person IRL and find it hard to discuss deep and meaningful things like this with friends so I come on here, what can I say? I appreciate the well-meaning advice however it comes.

iamana1ias

Jo_R wrote: »

No, don't be sorry, you're probably right. He is sick of hearing about it - and in my quest to somehow recify all the stupid mistakes I've made in the journey to ending up as a single mum of two before I met him, I am realising I am pushing him away.

You know, the way you paint it iamana1ias it's all about the wedding. Well the wedding is important, but it's not just that. A ring would be nice, but I have one he gave me a while ago anyway. I suppose if I get down to the bare essence of it, I want him to be romantic.

He used to be when we first got together, cute little thoughtful things, and he still is thoughtful. I guess what I still want is to be swept off my feet, not everyday, not all the time, but just once in a while would be nice. He says he wants to get married, but I can't see this in his actions iyswim, and that may or may not be because of how I went about getting him to propose. I just want to feel wanted for me, for who I am, not just as the person who looks after the kids and cleans the house, and I want to know that he wants to get married just as much as I do to have that overwhelming feeling that he's found the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

I was at my sister's wedding the other day, and when my father did his speech, he joked about how every father hopes his daughter finds the right man and gets married - eventually - cue pointed looks at me and the whole room broke out in laughter... I laughed along but I felt so embarrassed and upset and it's been in my head since.

I *do* post a lot about various things... I'm a very quiet person IRL and find it hard to discuss deep and meaningful things like this with friends so I come on here, what can I say? I appreciate the well-meaning advice however it comes.

Men try very hard in the early stages of a relationship. I've never found one that bothered after 6 months (which is IMO when you see their true colours). Some of the strongest relationships I know have no romance whatsoever.

I read your posts like you want to change your OH and you think marriage will do it. It won't. Your OH made his commitment to you by having a baby with you. You can't force him to do what you want, be it flowers every Friday or gushing over a wedding/marriage to you.

I think you need to lower your standards and count your blessings rather than looking for the things that are missing in your life and expecting your OH to supply them

Ruby_Moon

Jo_R wrote: »

No, don't be sorry, you're probably right. He is sick of hearing about it - and in my quest to somehow recify all the stupid mistakes I've made in the journey to ending up as a single mum of two before I met him, I am realising I am pushing him away.

You know, the way you paint it iamana1ias it's all about the wedding. Well the wedding is important, but it's not just that. A ring would be nice, but I have one he gave me a while ago anyway. I suppose if I get down to the bare essence of it, I want him to be romantic.

He used to be when we first got together, cute little thoughtful things, and he still is thoughtful. I guess what I still want is to be swept off my feet, not everyday, not all the time, but just once in a while would be nice. He says he wants to get married, but I can't see this in his actions iyswim, and that may or may not be because of how I went about getting him to propose. I just want to feel wanted for me, for who I am, not just as the person who looks after the kids and cleans the house, and I want to know that he wants to get married just as much as I do to have that overwhelming feeling that he's found the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

I was at my sister's wedding the other day, and when my father did his speech, he joked about how every father hopes his daughter finds the right man and gets married - eventually - cue pointed looks at me and the whole room broke out in laughter... I laughed along but I felt so embarrassed and upset and it's been in my head since.

I *do* post a lot about various things... I'm a very quiet person IRL and find it hard to discuss deep and meaningful things like this with friends so I come on here, what can I say? I appreciate the well-meaning advice however it comes.

Jo, if your OH was romantic at first, it could be that he will be romantic again if you were to give him chance.
It could be that he feels that he can't do anything good enough at the moment so is just sitting back and letting you get on with what it is you do.
If you relax and just enjoy your life with him and your children and allow your relationship to grow gradually, you might find that all those little romantic touches will come back now and then
You could also be a little romantic with him but not all the time, maybe once every few months or so. Saturation of a trait can kill a relationship..even nice ones!

larmy16

In my view if you ask a man what he is thinking about and he replies "Nothing" then he is invariably telling the truth.

If you ask a woman the same question and she says "Nothing", she will probably be lying!

I have no idea why women (generally) tend to overanalyze everything and anything and men take stuff at face value and live in the present!

Iamanalias please can you bottle that ability you have to look at things so differently and in a more detatched way? I would love to buy some.

Good luck to the OP by the way - it sounds like you get yourself focussed on an idea as do I and it takes over. My ex hub used to say I would disappear up my own ar*ehole one day.

Jo_R_2

It's mad when I think about it because in many respects as I have gotten older I have become very self-assured and confident, and I hate feeling 'needy.'

I am very conscious of what I have done badly in my previous relationships and am keen to avoid making the same mistakes again. So I make an effort... Things like spending 'quality' time together, it is usually me who makes the effort, albeit only staying in and spending time chatting, snuggling up etc in the week Other stuff like holding hands, hugs, making sure I don't look like a state as well:D I don't smother him - I know he appreciates the effort, I just wish he'd respond instead of it being me who's making all the effort.

Being honest I guess I think of deciding to get married in our position (ie already living together and having children) as cementing our relationship and saying, yes, this is the person I love and who I want to spend the rest of my life with, totally and utterly. I suppose I find it hard to fathom what he thinks - and for me I need to know because I couldn't get married to someone who was just doing it because it was what *I* wanted; I want him to feel it too.

Last night after we had our 'talk', he came to me a bit later and as I mentioned he apologised, but he also said after that, "so we're still on for getting married then?", very brightly, almost like he was worried he'd upset me so much I'd just not want to... So now I feel like I'm in this weird position where he says he wants to, so I'm supposed to know he wants to, but I can't talk about it because that is hassling him and questioning him, so I have no idea what to do... He does talk about it himself but only passing comments, which are the ones that confuse me.

larmy16

Why don't you take a month off from any mention of marriage and re-connect to each other and your family. Sounds like you both need a breather. When I get a bit obsessive about a certain idea or thought I put on a relaxation cd or hypnosis and that seems to help a little. Or get stuck into a good book. Good luck Jo.

iamana1ias

Jo_R wrote: »

Being honest I guess I think of deciding to get married in our position (ie already living together and having children) as cementing our relationship and saying, yes, this is the person I love and who I want to spend the rest of my life with, totally and utterly. I suppose I find it hard to fathom what he thinks - and for me I need to know because I couldn't get married to someone who was just doing it because it was what *I* wanted; I want him to feel it ..

I'm sorry, but this is completely unrealistic. You have posted about problems you've had with your OH and I just can't believe that he would utter the words "rest of my life" about marriage. You got pregnant very quickly into the relationship and chances are that it was a bit of a shock to you both. As you already had kids it was something you know you can do, but he didn't. Now he's barely getting used to living with you, being a father and a step father and you want declarations that the rest of his life is yours and yours alone.

As someone else said, stop rushing for more and enjoy what you have.