I'm messing things up, help (long)

whitewing

Jo, I agree with taking some time off. If you know roughly when you'd want to get married, why not just wait until this year is over and then say you can discuss it again in January. That should still give you plenty of time, but allow you to focus on the here and now.

iamana1ias

larmy16 wrote: »

Iamanalias please can you bottle that ability you have to look at things so differently and in a more detatched way? I would love to buy some.

Of course

weezl74

Jo_R wrote: »

...he says I am forever wanting to have answers to questions, to take everything to pieces and analyse what he says, that nothing is ever simple with me. He says he's fed up with it and that if I carry on as I am that I am going to end up a very lonely old woman...

Hi Jo, Not sure that I have anything useful to say about the rest of your situation, but your OH's description sounds like me, and I don't believe I'm headed for a lonely old age! I think we need to be with people who accept us as we are, the question everything types and the non-questioning types

I really hope your OH returns to a position of being positive about ALL of who you are

larmy16

weezl74 wrote: »

Hi Jo, Not sure that I have anything useful to say about the rest of your situation, but your OH's description sounds like me, and I don't believe I'm headed for a lonely old age! I think we need to be with people who accept us as we are, the question everything types and the non-questioning types

I really hope your OH returns to a position of being positive about ALL of who you are

How true Weezl. I am with a non-questioning type, while I am a question-everything type. It seems that he finds me rather interesting (if a little perplexing) and I find his way very soothing and reassuring. He is grounded and I am up in the air, but somehow it works.

What I think is more important than actually understanding someone, is wanting to understand them and most of all accepting them for who they are, warts and all.

I totally understand where Jo is coming from. Many years ago I was railing about my ex partner and my friend said to me "Well if he just does not have that sense of responsibility, then there is nothing you can do to change that. I was moaning about my son's dad not wanting to see him. That one sentence set me free from mentally trying to change something I could not. Anyway I digress.

Jo, put the thought of a lonely old age right out of your mind - it seems you are worrying enough without adding that to the list!!!! Can you two get out together, go on a date and just enjoy each others company?

consultant31

As a (very much) older woman would you take my advice? Stop with the over-analyzing everything. My son does this, always has, even when he was a little boy.

As his Mum, I found it very tiresome and would feel exhausted when he'd done questioning everything. I would answer to the best of my abilities and my replies where analyzed and questioned............over and over and over, ad infinitum!

I know his fiance feels much the same, though she loves him and has the ability to say "Oh for goodness sake, give it a break" which is the kind of signal he responds to, lol.

It's not easy to change, but you really need to before you do the one thing you least want to do and that's drive him away. Trust him. He is with you and your baby because he wants to be, no amount of romanticism can top that.

My husband has never been what most people would call romantic, but he has a special grin that only I ever see and even after almost 50 years together (not all that time married, but I was very young when we met) he can still make my heart beat faster.

'Romance' is for young girls and fools, steadfastness is what counts. Being trustworthy, honest, kind and thoughtful all come way ahead of being romantic in my book.

Take time to calm yourself, tell him you don't care about getting married right away just as long as he loves you as much as ever. When you're both pulling in the same direction you'll see how much better your relationship can be.

Good luck x

larmy16

Wise words Consultant. I think over analyzing is a habit like any other and just needs some work to break it. It is exhausting for all concerned.

tandraig

consultant while i totally agree with most of your post - I dont think romance is for young girls and fools......but it depends on your definatition of romance. to me romance is having a lovely night in with OH a nice meal glass or three of wine and no distractions - then a lovely cuddle later (and you can put your own definitions in there). and i am 55 and been married for 34 years! of course its not mills and boon stuff - but i know a few 20somethings who would be happy with that! as sometimes being chucked dirty rugby kit and asked to run it through wash just isnt romantic enough. lol

Zazen999

Be careful what you wish for; sometimes the 'romantic' ones are also being 'romantic' to all and sundry.

consultant31

tandraig wrote: »

consultant while i totally agree with most of your post - I dont think romance is for young girls and fools......but it depends on your definatition of romance. to me romance is having a lovely night in with OH a nice meal glass or three of wine and no distractions - then a lovely cuddle later (and you can put your own definitions in there). and i am 55 and been married for 34 years! of course its not mills and boon stuff - but i know a few 20somethings who would be happy with that! as sometimes being chucked dirty rugby kit and asked to run it through wash just isnt romantic enough. lol

You're right - romance can come from unexpected sources. It's the Mills & Boon stuff I meant (good phrase, I didn't think of that one).

larmy16

Zazen999 wrote: »

Be careful what you wish for; sometimes the 'romantic' ones are also being 'romantic' to all and sundry.

How true. In some cases for romantic read player!