I'm messing things up, help (long)

Jo_R_2

This is quite a hard post to make but I'm quite upset right now...

I have been with OH for just over 2 years. He is a very good man; we did have some teething problems initially but once we've settled down together and especially since the birth of our baby seven months ago, he's really come into his own, he works hard, pulls his weight around the house, and is a great dad and stepdad, really good.

We have a good relationship; he treats me well, and as well as him being supportive, he is quite simply really good company. I completely and utterly adore him, and he always tells me how he feels about me.

However (ah yes there *had* to be one didn't there?!), I think I am in the process of ruining any good thing about me and him. Even though he asked me if I wanted to get married, I have somehow convinced myself that he is only doing it because he knows I want to.

I did make it quite clear how important it was, he had various reasons why he wanted to wait, but in the end he asked me and I was sooo happy.

He has made a number of comments since asking me that reading between the lines, have put the negative thought into my head. Things such as what's the point of getting married if I won't even change my name, saying he doesn't know why he wants to get married, saying that nothing would change after we got married anyway (so say all of his work mates apparently), and how it's more important to women than it is to men to get married.

I have tried to talk about it to him, and although he will conversate about it, I get something different every time. I admit completely that I have brought up the subject quite often, and to me this is because I have never quite felt that I've gotten anywhere with him listening and responding. To me it's not that I'm looking to hear something in particular, it's that he seems to go from one extreme to the other in terms of how he feels about marriage and I'm completely confused as to whether his heart's in it or not.

Today he told me that he is sick and tired of me wanting to talk about it, he says I am forever wanting to have answers to questions, to take everything to pieces and analyse what he says, that nothing is ever simple with me. He says he's fed up with it and that if I carry on as I am that I am going to end up a very lonely old woman...

I was gutted... I can see what he says is true - yes it hurts but it describes me to a tee. I have no idea what to do from here - my senses tell me actions speak louder than words and he says a lot but I don't feel it in my gut if that makes sense? I believe he wants to be with me 'forever' but stupid as it sounds, the fairytale I suppose I was wishing after isn't happening, and although I can't ask that he whisks me away for a romantic proposal, tells me every day how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, much as I would love that, I know I would be stupid to throw things away by acting like this.

It doesn't help that my sister has just gotten married and although I'm so pleased for her, I can't help but wish my OH got involved in a proposal and wedding plans like my BIL did, all the things he said he would want to do earlier on in our relationship but hasn't done... I feel so stupid just wanting to have a bit of something special and for OH to just look like he wants it as much as he has said - it's like he says it then the day after it's back to 'normality' and all the negative things about getting married...

I don't know whether to just carry on and not talk about it... To me it goes against everything in me to *not* want to talk about things if they don't feel right but I'm really not sure what to do. OH did apologise later, he said he was sorry and I was his baby and he hates seeing me upset - I said no, it's okay, you were just saying what you thought.

Sorry for the rambling post but I just needed to get it off my chest... I wish I was one of these self-assured people but I'm not, I feel really upset, am trying to hide that from OH but work out what I'm supposed to do because I really don't know

tandraig

awwww - you have a seven month baby hun - youre still hormonal and emotional and out of kilter!!! saying that you also have really good insight - you have a damn good idea where you are coming from. you really need reassurance from OH and dont think you are getting it? try telling him that - and btw - his mates know nothing about you and your relationship so tell him to leave them out of it. (men do like to think they in charge but listen to their oHs and you will hear something different).
also - your sis just had fairytale wedding? while i am not saying youre jealous but perhaps you imagined this for yourself? hard to take when youre knee deep in nappies and babysick.
your oh sounds really lovely btw - can you arrange a babysitter - have a nice meal sit down with bottle of wine and explain how you feel ? not nagging - make that clear - but just tell him you feel so unromantic lately? need to put romance back in your lives? for his sake as well as yours - i imagine he is gettin a little fed up as he has shown his commitment to you and feels you are nagging him?
I am really not having a go at you......just trying to help. PM me if you want to will listen if you need to let off steam.

lcazma70

Maybe agree with him to put marriage talk on the back burner for now. Whatis the issue? I dont believe marriage will bring the security some part of you believes it will and he is obviously feeling pressured to capitulate to your needs. How about respecting your man and putting his needs in front of yours. Your clearly love each other. Being married is not a goal post but only part of the journey. dont be frightened of your happiness. best wishes.

property.advert

Marriage is an outdated commodity which has no value. I was married and am divorced and was really only married because of visa issues.

Just think about it. People used to get married because you couldn't live together and weren't supposed to have sex before getting hitched. Nowadays, you'd be laughed at for being a virgin or not living together first. You can probably divorce over the internet as well now.

So why get married ? Why chuck stupid money at a feed and booze up for people you hardly know and care less about just because mama and papa were invited to your nephew's wedding 20 years ago ?

He sounds committed to you and the baby so ease upon him. Maybe you'll get everything you wanted eventually but perhaps not in the order in which you would have wanted them. Most people don't even get what they want, in any order.

Zazen999

Chill out!!! An alternative from his point of view:

What's the point of getting married if I won't even change my name...this could mean he thinks that you aren't committed to him

saying he doesn't know why he wants to get married....security for your child yes - but if he feels that he is committed then he won't be thinking in these terms

saying that nothing would change after we got married anyway (so say all of his work mates apparently)...I don't get this - is he saying this or his mates and why would things 'change'....why would anything have to change? It's better that it doesn't change; but it often does by the looks of it

how it's more important to women than it is to men to get married...ie it could be YOU that is doing this for reasons other than just wanting to be together with HIM

Did he ask you if you wanted to get married, or did he propose? I take it you aren't setting a date quite yet? If not, let it go. Asking someone if they want to get married isn't always the same as a proposal....

viktory

I can understand why you want to get married and have to say it was the best thing I ever did. Made me feel even more secure and I love being a wife as opposed to a partner (been married 18 years now).

However, my OH did not do the big proposal and our wedding was the simplest in the world. It doesn't matter. What matters is knowing that your OH loves and wants you, now and forever.

As another poster said, your hormones are still all over the place. Give your OH a big hug and let the wedding talk drop for a while. Being together as a family is the most important thing at the moment.

seven-day-weekend

Do you want to get married or do you want a 'romantic' proposal and wedding?

Sometimes men (and women too!) don't want all the fuss, bother and expense of a big white wedding with a flouncy dress and bridesmaids, speeches etc.

If this is the case, why not just have a simple wedding at minimal cost? It need not cost much at all at a register office and you can actually do it in your lunch hour.

My husband and I had a tiny wedding 38 years ago with just us and ten guests.We just wanted to be legally husband and wife, it didn't matter about all the frills and folderols.

Chakani

I felt much like this when my son was very young (he's not much older now, nearly 1, but the hormones have subsided somewhat now) - I had never planned to have a child out of wedlock, and I felt very unstable and insecure, and also upset that our son and I had different names. That was my choice, but I felt that he ought to have his daddy's name.

We eventually had a very frank and calm conversation about it, and my OH said that he didn't want to marry for the wrong reasons, and although he loves me, he didn't want it to seem that we were marrying because of our baby, he wanted to wait until things were "right". I admire his ability to be honest and now things have settled down, and I can see that he is a good and committed father and partner, I think I am happier than if we had rushed into anything, and I know that if we ever do marry, it will be because he and I want to make a lifetime commitment to each other, which is separate to the lifetime commitment we have each made to our beautiful little boy.

Lavinder

I'm only 17 and I'm dreaming of the fairytale fantasy wedding with my boyfriend who I've been with for nearly 3 years - the thing is, it's just a fairytale fantasy! It costs a lot of money, it's stressful arranging everything and if your partner is no all hyped up about the wedding too then it won't really work. Just put it behind you and do all the romantic things young couples do to satiate your romantic desire.

One thing that puts men off doing anything, is actually asking them to do it - they like to be in control of their lives and hate us nagging women! Wait for him to be ready, and propose to you, then you have have your magical wedding which both of your will enjoy because he will think it was his decision all along.

:rotfl:

whitewing

My DH didn't propose to me, although we had obviously talked about it on occasions. He said he would ask! Then we got the opportunity to buy a house so we put plans on hold. Then we got 6 months' of tax credits in one go, so that was make or break time (coupled with an important date looming).

I would not have stayed with him if we hadn't got married, much as I love him and I knew he loves me. I was half-worried that he wouldn't turn up, but he promised he would. I believe marriage is important with the right man. And, although we lived together already, and nothing in our day to day life has changed, 13 months later I still think I am very lucky. (And he says he is lucky too). It's simply not true to say nothing changes. It feels different and that touches each day with magic.

notsayingaword

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Do you want to get married or do you want a 'romantic' proposal and wedding?

Sometimes men (and women too!) don't want all the fuss, bother and expense of a big white wedding with a flouncy dress and bridesmaids, speeches etc.

If this is the case, why not just have a simple wedding at minimal cost? It need not cost much at all at a register office and you can actually do it in your lunch hour.

My husband and I had a tiny wedding 38 years ago with just us and ten guests.We just wanted to be legally husband and wife, it didn't matter about all the frills and folderols.

The above quote could be talking about me! I didn't get a romantic proposal and I chose to have a very quiet wedding with just our parents invited and a nice meal after. It sounds like you are over analysing everything. Men don't think like us women and it sounds like he is happy to marry you and give you what you want, but you are not happy at that and think there is more to it when there isn't! And no, things don't really change after getting married if you have a solid relationship to start with, it just adds a sense of security and in my case respectability (ie I finally have the same name as my son ). If the marriage idea doesn't feel right then maybe you should just take a step back before your analysing takes you somewhere that you don't want to be.