How do I get my wife back to work?

whitewing

Perhaps your wife just wants to be nearer her mum anyway. That would surely help if she did go back to work.

Is there any way that if you did move you could have a lodger or foreign student to make up the wage shortfall, without your wife having to go out to work for now? My DS is nearly 13 and in some ways I feel he needs me more now than he ever did; not so much that he spends a lot of time with me but he likes to know that I am there if he needs me.

I agree that training courses would boost her confidence.

I think you need to be careful that every improvement to family life doesn't start to become a 'not until you get a job' thing.

Have you checked the situation with tax credits if you were to change jobs due to your health? www.entitledto.com

Molly41

Hi,
I actually feel very sorry for your wife. She has worked hard and will continue to work hard looking after you and the children. Believe me im a mum of four who has always worked part-time until recently and its incredibly difficult to juggle. It becomes much harder to parent your children as they become older they need much more attention and its important to be there for them.

It seems to me you hold the power in your relationship - particularly financially. It does not sound equal at all. You refuse to have a dog - a family pet that would benefit you all until she contributes financially and can drive it to the vet. How mean minded is that? You wont spend youe redundancy money because she isn't contributing financially? So she wont live near her mother which is important to her. There might be a good reason why she doesn't want to drive...perhaps if she did she would drie off into the sunset and leave you to do everything? No because she is a caring person whom by the sounds of it you are bullying into submission. Shame on you. You sound like my ex OH whom only focussed on the financial elements and it split us up. Be warned...unless that is what you want.
Molly

dbs

After reading all the replies I think it must be her fear of not being able to go back to work overides any willingness to help me out which comes across as being nasty which in reality when she goes off on one is more blind panic which makes me feel better about the situation.


I think the lessons to be learnt from this is that when you have kids make sure you have time for yourselves and not make your life soley for the kids house and money or else its too easy to drift apart through lack of communication.

Also make time to discuss what you will be doing in the future as this could avoid possible conflict further down the line.

Thanks for all the replies got to do some homework now as I have volunteered to start doing an office based job at the company I now work for which is hard going at the moment especially when you have been doing a manual job all your life.

My has a free reign to go to her mothers house at any time 2 bus rides away if we moved closer to her mums this means she would have to get up very early to take to take our daughter to school or our daughter would have to change school so its not very practicle.

Why I should move house for my wife when she does not want to go back to work when I am happy living where we are mortgage free and with savings in the bank?

Its great having some savings for a rainy day, the days of me doing loads of overtime are done I am NEVER going back to that for anybody.

I have to be true and happy with myself first before I can true and happy with anybody else.

elisebutt65

1sue23 wrote: »

I think most stay at home mums do a little more than just flip a duster around ,I have always handled the family finances , I cook from scratch , I decorate, I do the gardening in fact my hubby does not lift a finger and I would not want him to , running the house is my job and I do it well .
When my children were young we were on a low wage but I managed on very little and went without but for me it was important to be at home for my children .

Ahem!!

I do all that already and I'm a single parent and I work as a teacher full time as well! I get the kids involved in the cleaning and am teaching them to cook as well. I do all the finances as there is no one else to do them! So if running a house is a full time job, then I have 2!!

Sorry but I'm on the husbands side all the way here and think that his wife is a lazy bee who needs to get off her well padded backside and see what the real world is like!

I am on her side about the learning to drive thing though cos I totally refuse to learn - well scary :rotfl::rotfl:

Why don't you compromise - move into a house that's in the centre of a town so she doesn't need to drive and then she can get a job - doing a till at Mr T's doesn't need much training so there's nothing to feel unsure about there!

jayII

I think there are a number of issues here, that need to be addressed seperately.

First and foremost: why are you working such long and difficult hours if it is affecting your health so much? We all tend spend the money we have, and get used to that income. We can all manage on less or learn to spend more, that's human nature, and nothing at all is more important than our health. In your position I'd be changing jobs and telling the rest of the family they have to manage on that reduced income.

The question of moving house, and your wife returning to work, are different issues that need to be discussed as a family.

For the record, I'm a woman who has always worked and done 90% of the housework, shopping, and childcare, due to OH working long hours. When the children were small I worked from home, to allow me to be with them and have an income. At the moment I'm jobhunting, after a break to deal with family stuff.

I also can't see how housework and caring for children is a full-time job, but there we are. Yes teenagers need us, (I have 2 myself) but a few hours a week isn't going to hurt anyone.


OP please look after your health, you getting really ill wouldn't help anyone.

Welshwoofs

alison999 wrote: »

this post just makes you sound ignorant. being at work is a lot easier than dealing with screaming babies and toddlers. and i wish it was as easy as just 'flipping a duster' around :rolleyes:

I find it ironic that you're calling me ignorant and then trucking right on to spout the mammoth generalisation that being at work is "a lot easier" than dealing with children. It depends on the job and the children doesn't it. Some jobs are fairly undemanding but many are not. Likewise some children are fairly undemanding and some are not.

have you spoken to her about just working 2 or 3 days a week? that way she'll still have a few days to sort the house and your children could also help with the chores now they are older

Exactly. It's not a case of her having to steam out and do a full-time, demanding job and the house going to wrack and ruin (though for the record, my Mother brought me up on her own, working 40 hours a week, living in a house with no central heating and no bathroom and managed to cook, clean, garden, shop, get me to school, balance finances etc on top of work).

If the OP is knackered then I'm sure he'd appreciate her doing some part time hours to help out - it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

dbs

Molly41 wrote: »

Hi,
I actually feel very sorry for your wife. She has worked hard and will continue to work hard looking after you and the children. Believe me im a mum of four who has always worked part-time until recently and its incredibly difficult to juggle. It becomes much harder to parent your children as they become older they need much more attention and its important to be there for them.

It seems to me you hold the power in your relationship - particularly financially. It does not sound equal at all. You refuse to have a dog - a family pet that would benefit you all until she contributes financially and can drive it to the vet. How mean minded is that? You wont spend youe redundancy money because she isn't contributing financially? So she wont live near her mother which is important to her. There might be a good reason why she doesn't want to drive...perhaps if she did she would drie off into the sunset and leave you to do everything? No because she is a caring person whom by the sounds of it you are bullying into submission. Shame on you. You sound like my ex OH whom only focussed on the financial elements and it split us up. Be warned...unless that is what you want.
Molly

I let her have another dog after the first one died but I did not want one but hey ho!

When she told me she did not want to drive did I have any say in the matter? or when she said if we have kids she would not continue to go work? I had no say whatsoever.

As for finance she has never bothered with it because its my job in her opinion why should she when she can get some mug of a bloke to go out to work to earn the pennies well she had the right man for the job up to a couple of years ago but not any more.

If my wife can make life stlye decisions by telling me then its only fair that I can make those choices as well.

(Edited edition)

As for holding the power she has all the aces does not work now if she gets divorced still does not work she should know she brought a leaflet home about it and because she does not work now she gets everything I get nothing at all but there is no way I am buying another house for her if she does not go back to work if she threatens divorce then divorce it will be.

Its not about finance its about an equal partnership in a marraige thats all I am asking for, at the moment we have defined roles decided by my wife not me.



Actually my last comments sums it up in a nutshell really (at the moment we have defined roles decided by my wife and not me), when I was made redundant I decided it was time to review not just my job but also future lifestyle etc. working 9-5 Mon-Fri for me, my wife having a part time job now the kids are older therefore I would be at home more when the wife is dealing with the kids and I could do all the driving jobs helping out with the chores more than I do now(due to shifts).

I feel there is a need for change my wife does not, until its resolved there will be conflict but I have moved on some what I am investing my redundancy money so I can retire early in 10 years hopefully when I am 57 my daughter will be 19 then (if my final salary pension does not go bust) no more shifts or weekend 12 hour shifts I have a dream folks I have a dream.(Unless I get divorced before then due to OH wanting to move!!!!)

whitewing

Oh dear. Sounds like a lot of resentment here on both sides of the equation. I can't see this getting resolved between the two of you without some independent help. Could you maybe try Relate?

I think you both probably have very valid points but there's too much stubborness going on.

dbs

Thanks for all the replies but I think its better to end this thread now because I dont want it to end up as a gender or SAHM v working mum arguement.

I shall read all the posts again and consider any ideas put forward.

Thanks again.

LouBlue

Good luck, let us know how you get on.