How do I get my wife back to work?

dbs

My wife has not worked for 15 years to bring up our 2 children (with my help as well) she does not drive and refuses to take any lessons.

We have a small semi house mortgage paid off.

I have worked different shifts, o/t ,weekends to bring home the bacon etc.

Lost my job a couple of years ago but luckily got a new one again working varying weekend shifts including nights etc (I hate working nightshifts and I am fed up of working weekends which I have done all my life now 47 years old).

When I loss my previous job I thought I would try and change my working life style to a regular Mon to Fri 9-5 job due to bouts of backpain and IBS so I asked my wife to go back to work part time to help with the shortfall in money this would incur.(My wife has never liked me working shifts and weekends.)

To my amazement she was furious and we had a massive row and a few others since mainly because she wants to spend my redundancy money buying a bigger house.

We have two kids 15 and 10 suggested she started working again when the youngest is 12 years old so she would have plenty of time to retrain etc.

She now says a house is coming up for sale near her mums so the same row is going to happen what can I do?

barnaby-bear

dbs wrote: »

My wife has not worked for 15 years to bring up our 2 children (with my help as well) she does not drive and refuses to take any lessons.

We have a small semi house mortgage paid off.

I have worked different shifts, o/t ,weekends to bring home the bacon etc.

Lost my job a couple of years ago but luckily got a new one again working varying weekend shifts including nights etc (I hate working nightshifts and I am fed up of working weekends which I have done all my life now 47 years old).

When I loss my previous job I thought I would try and change my working life style to a regular Mon to Fri 9-5 job due to bouts of backpain and IBS so I asked my wife to go back to work part time to help with the shortfall in money this would incur.(My wife has never liked me working shifts and weekends.)

To my amazement she was furious and we had a massive row and a few others since mainly because she wants to spend my redundancy money buying a bigger house.

We have two kids 15 and 10 suggested she started working again when the youngest is 12 years old so she would have plenty of time to retrain etc.

She now says a house is coming up for sale near her mums so the same row is going to happen what can I do?

What does she do all day - watch Jeremy Kyle?
Sounds a bit of a lump, maybe divorce and get a younger more grateful model.

wornoutmumoftwo

I've not worked for seven years, though I worked since school prior to having the boys. I'm currently doing a degree and volunteering in a local school and have to say that after seven years out of work walking through the door into a work enviroment scared the life out of me at first I was a bundle of nerves.

Could it be that the lenght of time off has affected her confidence to return to the work place?

I wouldn't go buying a bigger house if she wasn't prepared to contribute - you really need to talk and try to get the bottom of how she is feeling, or it could be like the previous poster has said and she is used to her daily routine.

All the best

bristol_pilot

You earn...she spends. It's called marriage. You have promised to keep her for the rest of her life in whatever style she wishes to become accustomed to. There is no way to get her back to work - you either continue as you are or get divorced and she will basically get the lot. Why should she work? Either way she wins.

Let this thread be a lesson to any young guys reading this and thinking of getting married.

slowandsteady_2

what a difficult situation for you. I am a mum and wife and im the only one with a job so understand where you are coming from, and we've only been doing things this way for 9 months!

Perhaps she is frightened of re entering the working world, after all it is a long time to be away from paid employment. Does she have any qualifications, or a career before she came to be a stay at home mum? Would she be able to look for work in the area she previously worked in, so maybe it wouldnt be so difficult or does she just need to get any job ASAP?

If she wanted to would you support her if she went on some kind of training course or studied towards a qualification in order to get a job? I f she doesnt want to go to work straight away would she consider maybe volunteering in a charity shop or similar? That way there may not be the added stress of having a boss and a paycheque to worry about as such, and she can get used to working.

As for buying a bigger house and using your redunancy for it, if it was me there is no way i would consider that, especially in the current climate. If you are mortgage free why would you want to start again? Unless you are very short of space. I dont have a mortgage we rent, and i worry enough about paying that every month so dont know why you would want that again if you are happy enough.

I think perhaps your wife is being a little unreasonable, im assuming she is still quite young, given your childrens ages, surely she doesnt expect never to work again?

She may feel her role and effectively her job is now redundant and perhaps she feel sad about that about the kids growing up and not needing her as much, it must be a very hard thing to deal with and it might take a while to accept they are not babies anymore.

I think she is so lucky having such a wonderful partner who has worked so hard to support his family and allow her to stay at home and give your children the best upbringing. Maybe try and make her realise that soon the children will be at uni or working and that her having a job will allow you both to enjoy much more quality time together and as a family as you may have a bit more money to spend on what you enjoy.

Hopefully you will be able to talk about it again and not row, that would be such a shame if it became a battle. Give her time, she will probably realise soon enough that there is more to life than cooking and cleaning and then you will be wishing she was at home full time again when she does get a job!

Welshwoofs

bristol_pilot wrote: »

Let this thread be a lesson to any young guys reading this and thinking of getting married.

*raises eyebrow*

Oh I wouldn't generalise. I'm a woman earning in the high tax bracket. I've never needed or wanted a man to support me. I've never wanted to sit at home on my backside at someone else's expense.

Not all women are a !!!!less waste of space who view the birth of a child as an excuse to sit on their backside for years on end you know...

dbs

My wife does not sit around all day but she is OTT with the housework and she does all the gardening.

I have stated if she went back to work I would help with the chores etc but thats a no starter in her opinion.

She has done a basic computer course for a year and now helping out in a school one day a week but tells me nothing about her plans for the future.

abbecer

I think your wife is being totally selfish and unreasonable. I had 3 years off work with my sons and my husband worked every hour under the sun. As soon as they were both at school etc (4 and 7 now) I got a part time job for the NHS. Childcare permitting I do overtime and try to ease the load on my husband. I think it'd only fair that he gets time with his boys too rather than been at work all the time. A marriage is team work and it sounds very one sided in your house. What does your wife actually do with all her time?

LilacPixie

I think your wife's reaction is quite understandable. She has spent the last 15+ years with the 'job' of mum and housewife and now you want to effectivly make that position redundant and retrain her in a totally different role.

I think she is probably scared. What did she do pre kids??

I totally understand why you helping with chores is a no go. If you are like my husband you just don't do things 'right' which means i have to follow him doing everything correctly which takes twice the time and triple the stress.

Emily1990_2

bristol_pilot wrote: »

You earn...she spends. It's called marriage. You have promised to keep her for the rest of her life in whatever style she wishes to become accustomed to. There is no way to get her back to work - you either continue as you are or get divorced and she will basically get the lot. Why should she work? Either way she wins.

Let this thread be a lesson to any young guys reading this and thinking of getting married.

The 1950s called, they want your views about marriage back.

1sue23

Welshwoofs wrote: »

*raises eyebrow*

Oh I wouldn't generalise. I'm a woman earning in the high tax bracket. I've never needed or wanted a man to support me. I've never wanted to sit at home on my backside at someone else's expense.

Not all women are a !!!!less waste of space who view the birth of a child as an excuse to sit on their backside for years on end you know...

I find this insulting I do not go out to work in so much as earning a wage , but have stayed at home to look after the children ,they are no longer at home but I have a very busy life helping out in charity shops , I help the elderly in their homes shopping paying bills etc when they are unable to do so for themselves , I stay and chat when they are lonely , I help my daughter with child minding so that she can go to work , I help out on a trip boat for the disabled serving them tea and sandwiches .
You do not need to be earning a wage to lead a full life and I most certainly have not used the birth of my children as an excuse to sit on my backside watching daytime tv, I am proud that I have three lovely grown up children who have all doing well in life and now have four lovely grandchildren so in my view I consider this a job well done .